I crave solitude like an addict
maddened by need
a burning desire to be alone
unable to breathe
and when it’s only me
like liquid injected into my veins
silken relief wraps around me
and that is the only time
that anything feels right

The hardest moments come when the moon is high
all around me is dark and all inside me is darker
wrapped in a suffocating blanket thick fog
twisted stomach and frogs in my throat
I slip into a world of terror and calamity
and I forget how to switch on the light
I forget about the unlocked door
the open window the easy path
back to my safe golden honey dipped reality
trapped instead in the horrifying parallel universe
where nothing is right or good or kind
where monsters lurk and the sky rains blood
where every step I take each choice I make
Unravels further pain like I could never have imagined

peering into the trees
spreading the branches
fingertips tinged green
from the moss and the leaves
higher and higher I climb
sitting amongst the birds
the air is colder up here
are you there?

buried alive now
winding deeper to the core
down down down
lost I might never find the surface
I might never have to
you don’t consider the heat
when you reach the centre of everything
will I ever reach you?

midnight arrives and with it
brings a wave of melancholy
a tsunami even
it engulfs me fully
takes the breath from my lungs
and my feet from beneath me
i fall into the abyss and feel my
heart full of tar
everything is heavy
and i am exhausted
so alone and so sad
i feel it in my very bones
as though it is everything and
all that i am
and i kinda think it is

Most captivating beauty
in tragedy
Her melancholic existence
quiet agony
forever unreachable
she’s otherworldly

Blue in colour
and blue of mind
if only I
could reach inside
feel her warmth
and our souls entwined  

Never together
always apart
a losing battle
two lonely hearts

Outside it rages
blusters and blows
away with the cobwebs
enough of those
the air so fresh
flows down my throat
a cleansing purity
had ever I hoped

hair pulled and clothes tugged
this way and that
A dance with nature
though it feels like combat
unforgiving and powerful
the wind at sea
a wake-up call, a reminder
of how thankful I must be

A crack in my mirror, right in the centre
splits my image into a thousand pieces
versions of myself never quite realised
all that I am and all that I could be
each fragment a glimpse into a path not chosen
fingers reaching out to touch the glass
dipping into the reflection, a pool of possibility
if only I could crawl through the looking glass
or break on through to the other side
would I miss this place
am I happier there

robotic rhythm ebbs and flows
like a well-oiled machine
but you still know it’s a machine
the same voice for a hundred men
proves the falsehood within
your attempts to be relatable
with the dips in pitch you can’t cover it
oh how I’m sick of hearing this
the same songs on repeat
you realise your words lose meaning
when you speak them so often
I switch off when I hear your voice
nothing new to say it’s all the same
your repetitions are offensive
don’t you think we deserve better?
what is this achieving?
do you think you’re helping?
your fearmongering is weakened
your phony supportive sense of solidarity
we’ve turned cold to your tone
I can’t hear those words anymore
they can’t penetrate the wall
the forcefield I’ve created
to protect myself from losing my mind
that’s enough from you and your
robotic rhythm, your ebbs and flows
you know, we all know you’re a machine

a vast nothingness the sky is drained
white and empty
pouring upon us endless rain
the earth thirsts
joyfully receives

saturated bark deepens in colour
lush green leaves I can taste them
wet and juicy life giving
am I dehydrated

house heated hot
soup settles in my stomach
warm and heavy
fluffy socks and a big jumper
cheeks turning red
wind blows outside
the couch swallows me whole
cocooned

Small sharp stones stab
the soft sensitive undersides
as my feet pick their way
across a sea of wild pebbles
some smooth plenty pierce
such a short journey
feels so long
Eager hobble
desperate crawl
ocean in my eye
ice cold lap of wave against toes
soothing sore wounds
cleansing cooling
purify me
heavenly ice with sacred salt
skin risen in delicious goosebumps
waist shoulders head under water
then breaking surface
holy light shines down upon me
gasping for air I feel
reborn

pigeon coo’s echo outside the window
relentless repetition please stop,
grey skies, lacklustre rain
drip drop drips from the sky
like a tap not turned tight
enough

the kettle is screaming at me
fogs up the window
desperate, don’t look out there,
the forbidden fruit, sacred outdoors
sterilised sanitised inside, free me,
I long to ***** my feet

how can the world keep on turning
when we are all so still
does the passing of time matter
during this vast nothingness?

a cup of tea to calm my nerves
hot liquid chases down the fear
bubbling up in my throat but
it just crawls back, and settles
so quiet becomes the house
eternally occupied, no respite

heavier now, thankful for the sound
drowning out the silence, rain
like the white noise, grateful
the sound of breath has become
too much, all of us in mute,
in sound, in colour, in all

Soft brown bread easily cut into
teeth seek out seeds to split
slight crunch of salad
green and still a little wet
brown spread of pickle
just a little, not too strong
save strength for the cheese
salty and satisfying, addictive
simple sandwich uncovering
memories of simple times
always sunny all the colours
seem brighter when I remember
family picnics games of rounders
wildly swinging the bat
I always missed
lounging on the green grass
gently placing crisps
with extreme precision between
the soft brown bread

tonight the sky is alight with silent flashes of white
one moment and the spotlight
is upon us
then in the same breath we are plunged
into darkness
over and over
light and then dark
black and then white
oh how it can all change
so quickly

unable to break free i see no light
no end no dawn but eternal night

How funny that air
should leave me so breathless
whipping my cheeks rouge
pulling on my hair
like a puppeteer on strings
strand dancing with strand
wild and free
trees bend from side to side
joyous feverish flow
Lost in music I can't quite hear
blossom twirls a tornado
towards the sky then falls
down upon us like confetti
at a wedding

rising now in darkness
the sun climbs sleepily above dew dampened fields
casting a hazy light over crystal rain drops
breath swirling in the air before me
nose blushing pink
rosebud lips dried
brushing gold dust from the corners of my eyes
crossing my fingers
that the rain might stay away
then turning my face to the sky
feeling the hesitant sun
gently warm my skin
while all around me is cold

oh how grateful i am
for winter mornings