I barely feel happy anymore.
I just don’t feel it.
I don’t know why,
but it’s been going on for a while.
Most of the time, I don’t feel sad,
but I just don’t get happy all the time.
I’m mostly sad, my happy moods are too easily disrupted,
and they come not often enough at all.
I feel like I’ve changed too much from who I used to be, I can’t tell
If it’s because of my friends, my family, all the stupid heartbreaks,
Stress, or whatever. I can’t tell anymore.
It’s just all a part of my life.
It’s super frustrating because I don’t know what to get rid of
To have my life be happier because I don’t know yet
What will break me? I don’t know.
People keep having these problems all around me
And they say I’m the happy one
And I have all the joy,
And if I only knew how they felt….no.
I do. I know how you feel when you have depression and anxiety
I was raised in a divorced family with not one,
But two verbally abusive dads.
One mom who’s always away from home,
Working an hour away from right here.
One dad who doesn’t care.
One who cares too much sometimes and none the next day.
No parents who support my hobbies and what makes me happy.
No parents who are proud of me for my grades.
Three friends who help me when I’m in trouble,
And listen when I’m sad.
Three. TWO.
Two friends who are there when I need them.
Two friends who I send monologues and paragraphs.
Two people I trust.
Two. ONE.
One person,
I trust to not leave me,
To not break me,
To support me,
To not call me annoying,
To tell me the truth,
To tell me I’m doing great and I can do this.
One person who knows how my mind works.
One person, I trust with my mind,
My life,
My soul.
Three. Two. ONE.
They aren't here right now.
They're gone into the void where I can't see them.
Not clearly.
All I have are pictures,
Pictures of who my best friend is.
Pictures of who they were when I last saw them.
Pictures of the friend I love more than I love myself.
And the friend I miss most in the world.
But I wonder if they have any pictures of me.