CAM Mar 13
I can feel the tears on my cheeks,
My lips,
My clothes.
They drip down to cover me,
In the one thing that reminds me that I'm still here.

I can feel the racking sobs,
My chest feels compressed,
And that familiar lump resides in my throat.

I can hear the mantra,
Running through my head.

Why am I still here?
Why am I the one who's like this?
Why am I not the good enough one?
Why am I not happy?

Why am I like this?
Why am I doing this?
Why can't I get over the dramatics?
Why do I feel overdramatic for having emotion?

Why does this always happen?
CAM Mar 8
I missed it.
This feeling of happiness.
This feeling of strength
And that little burst of joy.
Each time you pop into my head.

But I didn't miss people.
"He's not good enough for you."
"He's into bad stuff"
"I thought you were a rule follower."

I don't miss that, not at all.
I don't miss being criticised,
Every time I try to be happy.
Every time I think of your face.

I miss thinking about the way we first met.
Letting that memory and others flood my mind.
Every single time I'm bored.
Your hair, voice and manner are all adorable.

And I miss thinking someone is adorable.
I miss thinking of someone when I get good news.
I miss talking to someone and letting it get better every day.
I miss talking to someone and almost not going to bed on time.

I missed talking to someone,
To take my mind off the day.
Or even just to make a good day better.
My day is tiring, and you tell me to sleep.

And that's what I miss the most.
Having someone who cares.

But of course,
"You're going to get hurt."
Is the only thing I hear.
CAM Mar 7
What's going on inside me?

I feel something in my gut like
Something that's wrong?

Then again, almost everything
Has been making today worse
I don't know what it is about today.
But nothing is going right.

My friends all seem to hate me
My crush hasn't said a word.
My family feels like it's falling apart,
This couldn't get much worse, I'm sure.

Except for the fact that it's snowing outside.
What if someone gets hurt?
It looks like a blizzard,
But it's March.

I have practice tonight, until nine o'clock.
I have a tournament right after school.
Today makes me feel like I need to leave.
My head is saying to go.

But wow. It's weird.
To be cast out and lonely
For one day. For people to ignore
Your feelings and then ask them the next day

It's weird talking to your crush
Having that confidence,
Starting a conversation you
Didn't think you could

It's weird how your bad days
Only make you better.
It's weird how the things that could kill you
Can make you stronger instead

The things you told yourself
You couldn't lose
Are the things you're willing to fight for
The things that push you to the limit.
CAM Feb 20
God. How am I still not okay?

God. It's been so long.

God. I'm so tired of life right now.

God. What happened to me?

I was such a nice kid.
I was calm all the time.
Mature for my age,
Little but so lively.

I was so helpful.
So loyal.
I always supported my trust.
But I never really spoke my mind.

I was shy.
I was small.
I never stood up for my feelings
I never stood up for myself.

And now I'm older.
I realize I don't need support.
I need myself.
I need confidence.

Speaking your mind is not wrong.
Standing up for your feelings isn't rude.
Standing up for yourself isn't mean.
Saying what you feel doesn't make you imperfect.

No one's perfect. Not even them.
The ones you hate for being so amazing.
Maybe she has anxiety.
Maybe his mom is alcoholic.

No one has a perfect life.
There's not one perfect family in the world.
There is not a person in the world who's perfect.
There's not a person who doesn't have one bit of strife.

But just because you aren't perfect.
Doesn't make you less worth it.
You're amazing.
You're still charming, kind, and strong.

You're just more experienced.
You just understand some more things now.

And maybe, just maybe,
You just aren't as shy anymore.
I'm not perfect. But I'm not shy anymore either.
CAM Feb 14
It's been a while.
Since I wrote a poem.
But not since I wrote about you.

I write about you all the time.
Every once in a while,
I forget why.

Then I remember why.
I remember you,
Or I see a picture.

I see your blond hair.
Your brown eyes.
You're the reason I have a type.

I think of your adventure,
And your shyness,
And your varying range of emotion.

I think of all these
Random memories,
Floating around in my head.

Like ping pong.
And capture the flag.
Like long flaring lights and computer bags.

Like fire escapes,
And hiding under tables,
Like missing you in winter with eyelashes like a fable.

Like long walks in the dark,
And hidden dark handkerchiefs with white polka dots.
Like plaid checkered jackets, even when it's hot.

Like cargo shorts and a white fedora.
Gathering under the arch like it's an agora.
Hiding that handkerchief between the flora.

God, I miss you more and more.
Months til I see you,
I'm down to only a few before.

I almost can't wait,
It makes me feel sad.
The fact that I'd leave,
Just like that.

Just so I could see you again.

It's Valentine's Day
And I'm here without you.
And I wish more than anything,
For that to not be true.
Argh. Oh. Now I'm a pirate.
CAM Jan 30
There's this feeling.
In the pit of my stomach.
It makes me kind of think,
Something will definitely go wrong.

I had plans today.
Things I could have done.
People I could have talked to.
But now I'll just play dumb.

I wish I could make it go.
Fly away, fall like the sun.
I needed something to make me strong.
Not something that makes my anxiety strong.

It hasn't disappeared yet.
It's been making me fret.
It's been several hours.
It's not like somebody brought me flowers.

I shouldn't feel like I'm nauseous.
I feel like I'm at a loss.
What could I have done that would have been a total failure today?
What kind of button would have pressed play,
On all my bad luck?

Maybe tomorrow I can use my luck.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Maybe I won't feel like a crook,
Every time I start a single letter.
Idk but now it's here.
CAM Jan 29
I lied when I said I could trust you again.
I lied when I said I could easily fend.
I lied when I said I was telling the truth.
I lied when I told you this was proof.

I lied when I told you he looked fine.
I lied when I told you it left with the time.
I lied when I said it was no big deal.
I lied when I told you I could give you time to heal.

I lied when I told you I was fine.
I lied when I told you I’ve never lied.
I lied when I said he wasn’t my best friend.
I lied when I told you how much time I don’t spend.
Talking to him.

I lied when I told you I was doing okay.
I lied when I didn’t lie straight to your face.
I lied when I didn’t tell you how I felt.
I lied when I was uncomfortable and didn’t tell.

I lied when I kept a straight face.
I lied when I ran past you, upping my pace.
I’d be lying if I said I don’t want to tell you.
But I’d still be lying if I wasn’t being true.

I’d be lying if I said I don’t think about you every day.
I’d be lying if I said I was okay.
With you not being here,
Not knowing why I fear.

I’m lying when I say I’m fine without you.
I’m lying when I say I’m over what I didn’t do yet.
I’m lying when I tell people I didn’t ask for advice about you.
I’m lying when I say it’s about someone else.

I’m lying when I say I don’t want to be with you.
I’m lying when I say I know you like me too.
I’m lying when I know I can’t escape.
This lying is covering me like a cape.

I’m not a liar all the time.
But I can’t stop lying,
When I tell you I’m fine.

Just to see the smile on your face.
It makes me feel better.
I’m almost okay when I see that smile.
It almost makes it all go away.

If I saw it more than once a year,
Maybe I wouldn’t have to lie about being okay.

But don't you tell me you're okay too,
Because we both know it isn't true.
I'm really tired of lying.
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