I will drag my knife along your skin,
sharp blade down into your fragile, shaking canvas,
incising an increasing beat of whimpers and whines.
Please hold still. I promise this will hurt.

I will expose your clattering bones,
rip out your chattering teeth,
erase every impugned utterance
you muttered against me.
I will carve my letters slowly
on your unzipped frame,
sliding the burgundy blood across to
blot
       clot
              dot.    

This is only preparation for what is about to follow.

I will puncture your throbbing organs,
slash your stretched cartilage
with an unwritten script.
Before I press further,
I’ll assure you, you are still alive.

I will twist each phrase,
haunt you to believe it is your fault,
force you to beg the slightest escape.
I will permanently etch my name
deep in the frozen chambers
of your quivering heart.

I will open up the blueprint as a demolition expert,
remove whole fractions of your fractured soul,
leave you a horrid wreck in the abyss
of a mess you just made.

You will not get rid of me,
though no trace of evidence is left behind.

My hands have been clean from the start.

whatever souls are made of, I'd love to watch them
in their bare bones and swirls of color
darken, burn, and mold together
rather than just our faces. I'd like to sit
and observe each orb of love and hatred,
some consumed and lost to apathy, some bright
one way or the other, I'd love to see what happens
every time I meet someone new, every time
I lose someone old. I'd love to watch my heart flicker
and to know for sure the right or wrong by the
light I show the world- I'd love to see it, pure,
so that it's no longer a war of lies and masks and faces
I'd love to hold the raw, stinging, spitting essence
of someone close to me, so they can't deny it anymore
and I can't deny it anymore- the world would be good,
I swear, if we'd all just let go and open our doors
(although I'd like to see yours- I don't know if I could.)

Maybe the girl I know
Isn't born perfect
She had freckles and burns
Under her skin
She had violet scars,
Dark circles under her eyes.
She is weak and vulnerable

She longed for peace
A minute of escape
from all of the distress
that has been following her.
A moment of silence.
A moment where she could free herself
and prevent the pain from spreading through herself,
even from being felt.

She searched everywhere for it
She's been to places to find it
But she couldn't
She wanted it so much
She could trade her life for it.

Sleep was the only place
for her to calm the raging storm
that has been roaring inside her stomach.
And she aches for it.
She aches for it even more.

your happiness should NEVER be based solely on one person.
your home shouldn't ever be nestled inside of someone's chest
or tucked into the creases of their arms.
your happiness shouldn't be measured by the amount of times they say i love you
or by how many times their fingers intertwine with yours
because if you want to get brutally honest here,
happiness that's based on a person will forever and always lead to disappointment.
because the second that they even as much as threaten to step out of the door,
you're back to the way you were
or even worse.
you're left with a shadow of your former self.
you can't make a person your home no matter how sturdy you think the foundation is because their arms will always crumble around you and leave you cold.
not because they meant to,
but because they weren't built to.
they could have had every intention of holdin' you up steady,
but no matter how hard they try,
their arms will never compare because
they weren't made to be your brick walls.
you have got to understand that.
you can't put that much weight on one person.
one human being.
one soul.
they can love you.
they surely can love you.
they can love you with all of their heart.
and as you to them,
but your home should not be composed of
veins that do not belong to you,
and arms that aren't attached to your own body.
your happiness shouldn't be solely based on the way
that your body seems to perfectly coincide with theirs.
they can surely be a factor,
a part of your happiness.
but babe,
you're in some trouble if they're your whole.

Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid
it's also being the only one who knows you're lonely, sad, or broken
bravery is walking alone and smiling because the people
in the cars driving by need to have their days brightened
bravery is leaving home and saying you had a good day,
when you're crashing down inside and you might as well
have built a sandcastle in a hurricane for yourself to stand on, bravery
is still being a rock, because others need a place to stay as well.

I hope you meet a person,
any person,
who makes your heart beat
in tune with your favourite song.

I hope their laugh becomes
your favourite melody,
and that their breathing
turns into your new lullaby.

I wish for you the amazing miracle
of meeting someone that makes you
feel like you have orchestras
in your chest.

I hope you have the privilege of
finding a person,
any person,
that gives you a reason to sing.

Because right now there is someone
who's looking at you
and they're busy having an affair
with the music that you are.

a year will be here
soon enough and I cannot seem to
control myself when I am around you
the sound of your name pushes my
heart of my chest and the touch of your
fingertips let me know that you're not all
ice you are a burning fire that consumes my
soul and roars with the wind in the winters
brisk air and I've never met someone who could
take my heart and burn it with their eyes as if I had
never seen a fire before which is true, I have never
been burned by another person before because how could I
possibly let someone inside of me that way?
our hands touched and I instantley knew that you owned every single
part of me, including my wrecked and aching soul that could only seem
to see that you were the one for me and we took a chance that some are
afraid to take, and we were too, but we took this chance on us because
we could see that something was there, something called love was there
and I've never felt so beautiful in my entire life, you have loved me time
after time and have showed me how this horrible world isn't so horrible,
it is actually quite beautiful in a way, but you have showed me
that life isn't just about grades and being touched by
someone who doesn't burn your very being
but that this life is about the love that
you can hear in the middle of the
night when you are starting to
fall asleep and the smell of
her hair when you are
telling her you will
love her forever.

I want to feel your fingers slip up my vest, feel your hot breath dancing down my chest.

I want my pillow embedded with memories of you that put fantasies and dreams to shame. I want scents, moans, tastes engrained.

I want my naked skin weaved around yours, I want to leave claw marks along your spine as you beg for more, smash your palms into our headboard.

I want to feel your legs shake, as I start an earth quake inside of you, that'll leave you quivering for days.

Her fingers danced
Along my ribcage
As she told me why
I must be having pains
In my chest.

Her fingers danced
On my *******
As she cupped them sweetly
And nuzzled between them like
She's always belonged there.

Her fingers danced
Down my spine
As she counted the freckles
On my back and made constellations
Out of them.

Her fingers danced
In my hair
As she grabbed close to my
Scalp and pulled where she knows I'll
Respond with "Ohhh".

Her fingers danced
Down between my thighs
Floating above the ocean below and
Diving in to explore her sea.

Her fingers danced
Around my neck as her
Hands cupped my face and
Kissed my lips gently but
With a fire that only I could
Recognize.

Her fingers danced
As they intertwined with mine
Because what is more intimate than
The innocence of hand holding
With a promise of forever
Imbedded in our fingertips?

Death by fire.* The skin melting off of my bones and the smoke choking my throat and holding me down, my screams unheard of by those outside and seeing the dance of fire around my charcoaled bones.
Never knowing truth. Never understanding why I am here and what God wants me to do, to have him laugh in my face saying "You were always wrong!" Even when I thought he said it was in His plan, not ever fully understanding the ways of the universe that He so graciously let me explore.
Relapse. Becoming so sad again that I throw away almost a whole year of becoming who I am to succumbing to the hellish act of cutting open my wrist to see the blood flow from my body and to let the demons out again. To feel the sting, wait, numbness of it all.
Him touching me again. Never being able to say no. Feeling the touch of his sweaty palms around my waist, his fingertips making trails down my spine to my bare bottom, feeling parts of me that do *not belong to him.
Nobody believing me  Everyone telling me that I am a liar again, that I made it all up for attention and to break my family apart because I was "jealous" and I was "overreacting".
Losing her.  She can easily have any boy she wants, even other girls like her. I can lose her so easily, she's so beautiful. People constantly flirt with her, temping her to be theirs. But I am just me, and I feel like I am not enough, because she is everything, and I am nothing. No matter how dominating I am, I will always submit myself to her, because I belong to her. She can't leave me. I am hers.
Not getting into UC Berkeley.  I know I am not good enough, but I try to be my best. I try to get good grades and keep myself busy. I do not just want to attend this school, I need to be a part of this school because if I do not, then who would I be? All of my life's work would be thrown away and I would be feel hopeless, useless, and undeniably a failure. If I do not get accepted then I know I will never accept myself.
Going insane. I've seen these faces before, in the corner of my eye, hearing manic laughs within my mind, voices not there and things that run amuck. They are not there. They are not there. but oh! how they truly are sometimes. I just hope that they are not real.
Her taking her own life. Sometimes I feel like I do not help her at all. I can feel her sadness starting to creep back up on her again, wanting to take her and swallow her whole. I try so hard to help, but who I am to do that? I am powerless, I am weak. She is the strong one, not me. But oh, how sometimes even she succumbs to Deaths somber friend, Depression.
My parents finding out before the time we wish. Everything would die if they found out, they would extinguish our love so quick and **** everything that ever led to us being in love. If they found out, I wouldn't be myself anymore, I would lose the part of me that made me feel whole, I would lose the part of myself that I never knew that I was missing, I would fall apart, I wouldn't want to live anymore. What am I without you? Maybe life could happen again, and maybe we could find each other in the future when we are out of our parents hold, but that does not mean we would still be in love with each other. We would just be ghosts of each other's pasts, haunting each other throughout each other's lives and making us each feel so alone. Who would I be without you?
Last but not least, myself. I can easily do so much damage to everyone around me. I have hurt my love before, and my best friend, and my parents, and everyone else. I am my own worst enemy, and I can destroy everything that lives. I fear that I am constantly on self destruct without my love, that I am already dead and wishing to **** everything due to my unhappiness. Only love can cure the dead in heart.