I, phantom limb, sense there's mo re

to miss than flesh.


Laugh along with Go

d, pick

at scabs, wrinkle my nose.


Notice

sunsets, grab for mothers' hands, choke

on water.

the feeling of peace and calmness
seems to come at an unavoidable price
like killing brain cells or losing an arbitrary piece of your memory like the
details to a scene in a good film or the exact measurement of cream in a recipe, but then you question why these things would matter on a deeper level than common small talk between occasional acquaintances who may never care to bring it up again. So you just continue to inhale that good ****.

-a.lorraine

I punched m y self today
Amidst to many thoughts
And helplessness.
An over whelping hopelessness.
A tired soul an active mind
I've been thinking thoughts with to much weight.
Seeing people walk around living their lives is begining to make me feel
Like....
There's already enough going on in the world
Like plenty of people will do plenty of things.
Like what's the point in one more person fumbling their way through life.
I'm going I'm going.
But it's not out of hope.
It's put of guilt and fear.
When I think of my husband
While I think of my uselessness
I feel such a deep sorrow.
Not because I feel like he needs me.
But because I know that he loves me.
And I know that he would some how feel guilty.
And I'm tired. I'm so ******* tired. And I'm frustrated because I feel guilty. For being tired. And what sounds so lovely is sleep for ever. I don't hate myself. I don't even want to **** myself. I just don't want to be alive because my ******* tired. I'm so tired of day to day life that I could **** myself. I'm so tired of all of it. I love my husband very much. So so much. He is the sweetest most christ like being I have ever met and I am happy with him. I think he's perfect. There's nothing he could do to become a better person to me. It's not that that's not good enough. It's that I'm to tired. It's like having a really nice meal when your not hungry. You love it it looks great it smells great it makes you happy. But it doesn't make you hungry. I don't have much a a drive to be alive and I don't know why.......
I just wish I could hit the pause button shut everything off and nothing existed any more.
They say this is a temporary feeling... that it goes away..... but why does it always come back.

I hate you
Makes you never understand why
The longing for you back
Is an instinct to me  
To hug you each morning
To say hello to you each day
Makes you never understand why
I love you

time isn’t lost anymore,
no longer do I watch
the hands of the clock
waste away through a
film of sadness
in my melting eyes.

you have found me,
a me that I didn’t know
I still had.
the strength in your
eyes translates itself
into the tips of your fingers
and the trace of your lips
in the divots of my spine.  

trace away the prayers
of previous mistakes
show me religion
through your infinite pulse
of grace and power.

my red runs through the blues
of you, as we become the veins
of our own universe.

voraciously consume me
in ways only stars consume
themselves.