i.

light in lazy pools
patches of shadow
like closing doors.

ii.

i float
like a ghost
open the sky
like a love letter.

iii.

a bird hovers,
shudders to
a sky that
unwraps its
dreams like
inky pools.

iv.

greyer than ghosts
that kiss for my
lips,
that trembling
of my heart
just for you.

oh God*
please don't let that song come on the radio
it reminds me of the curve of his back
and the way his hair curled in the front
of the night he snuck out to come see me
and i was lost for words
but full of kisses
when i saw him standing at my door
messy hair and sleepy eyes at 2am
saying "i just had to see you"
don't let it remind me of
all the nights i cried myself to sleep
hearing his voice on the phone
telling me baby it'll be okay
or the early morning video calls
where he'd wake me with a smile
letting me know that there was reason
to still go on
that song reminds me
of driving through the sunset
turning on the radio
and simultaneously saying
"hey thats my song"
oh God
don't let that song come on the radio
it'll remind me of the way
his tongue slid down my abdomen
and his nails scratched my hip bones
my hands in his hair
don't let that song
take me back to the time
my legs were thrown over his
while he fed me french fries
with his mouth
i won't have any other choice
but to remember the hint of hazel in his eyes
the gaps between his teeth
the freckle near his eyes
the feeling of the summer breeze
when it was just him and me
oh God
don't let that song come on the radio
it belongs to me and him
it belongs to another age
another time
another era
it belongs to
*for(n)ever.

i didn't know you
but i think about you everyday

you were a friend of a boy whose brother i knew
and that's where i got the news
that you hung yourself when the pressure rose
your neck purple, the ground an inch too far from your toes
the ****** education system that got to your head
the grades and the scores and the race making you wish you were dead
you couldn't handle the look on your mom's face
"mom, i came second, not first, today"
you loved her, you loved your dad too
you loved your guitar, your band, the girl whose eyes were a million shades of blue
but the waves rose and you couldn't keep up
maybe it was just ill-fate or bad luck
you were just another fish swimming for dear life
but you were shoved away by the rough unforgiving tides
drowning, slowly, then all at once,
you went from being top of your class to being called a dunce
the disappointment and the rage and the wrinkles of stress on your mother's skin
made that sadness grow deeper and deeper within
until one day you realized it was better to give in

and so you climbed up that chair
pushed it away with your feet
kissed a picture of her
and listened to the last of your heart beat
hanging in the air
you whispered goodbye
"mother, i tried, i really did try"
and the wind left your lungs
the blood stopped in your veins
you dived away from reality
swimming into a new kind of pain

i think of you often
the friend of a boy whose brother i knew
i think of you often
because i can relate to you

its getting harder
the pressure, the stress
nothing is enough
not even my best
i think of joining you
in that darkness of bliss
looking at the world around me
there won't be much to miss
this rat race of doom running after a life of success
for me, it's just no longer worth it
so call me a coward or say i lost
but maybe death will give me what i want most
an escape from always having to win
an escape from the emptiness eating me from within

i think of you often
and i would like to know
are you happier now?
away from woe?

if you were here
would you advise me to stay?
or would you tell me to climb
that same chair, with the same belt, in the same room, at same same hour
in the exact
*same
way.

She was constantly shedding flowers,
Falling from locks of hair,

People always stepping on them,
As they didn't see them there.