hatred
for every human
that's ever existed
how pathetic,
naive,
stupid

they fill me
with disgust
and pity

isn't it ironic
how my
pretentious
view of humanity
is matched
by my inherent desire
for their company?

making me the
most pathetic
most disgusting
most pitiful
one of all

I'm ******* lonely as hell dude

can't stand to be around anyone
but even more,
can't bear to be alone with my mind

intimacy and conversation -
regardless of quality -
serve as a distraction
from the feeling of dread
which won't leave me
ever

in my solitude
it feels like
something is laughing
at my existence:

a cockroach
with a superiority complex
pretending to be dignified
like it won't be crushed
immediately
when stepped on

SOMETHING OR SOMEONE
PLEASE
END MY LIFE

If i told you i needed help
would you listen?
Or would your silence
Echo off the walls.
See my life is like a car,
Sometimes moving fast
And other times so **** slow.
If i told you i feel hurt inside
would you not just hear
but listen
to what i said
I need someone to care.
Im tired of trying to fight alone.
Im tired of trying to survive at a table for one.
If i told you
I cry all over my body
And each tear is a knife
And they are leaving scars on my flesh,
Would you cut me a bandage,
Sop up my blood,
Or leave me to bleed out.
If i told you
I was alone and my demons are taunting me
would you get me out
Or would you keep walking
or keep scrolling...
Im not begging for attention,
But one cannot be expected to be alone and silent like a life long detention.
If i told you
I was ready to confess everything
Come clean from my secrets,
Strip myself naked so you could see my imperfections
would you care even the slightest bit
Or are you so selfish
And so ignorant
To walk on
And leave this person to die.
If i told you i was ready to die
would you blame it in cliche,
Or believe it and save me from damnation
Its time to think.
It could be up to you
This isnt just my world,
Its yours, too
and dont you want to be
somebody
To someone?
I need you.
Because all of these "if i told you's
Are becoming
**im telling you

and you came back again,
and then the thoughts come back again,
and the world turned to **** again,
and my life felt worthless again,
and the coffee tasted bitter again,
and everything was bitter again,
and the voices came back again,
and I cried in my room again,
and I pictured all my mistakes again,
and I found my old photos again,
and I forgot how much I missed being loved again,
and I remembered all the terible things you did again,
and I cried even louder again,
and then my mistakes the followed came back again,
and my eyes got weak again,
and I thought about my friends again,
and then I figured they hated me again,
and everyone hated me again,
and no one came back to save me again,
and i'm alone to save myself again,
and I don't know how to again,
and my life feels meaningless again,
and its getting so hard to hold on again,
and I don't know who I can trust again,
and I'm not okay again.
and everything was wrong again,
and this keeps happening again,
and again,
**and again

wanting death is a poison
it takes over selfishly
but all of us in here want it
all of us in here are selfish
pinning for the first dance with the devil
for the first sip of poison

the woman in the bed next to me hears voices
the cackling of the clowns in her face
she tries to sleep and in her dreams she's running towards death

the russian woman in the 34A is screaming for someone to help her
but help her from what?
no one knows
she is pulling her maine of hair out
which was once so pretty when she was a young lady

the boy in the bathroom is trying to throw up lunch like purging will make him more of a person
now he asks me for a breath mint pretending like it's our secret
the next day he took a bite of the poisons apple hoping prince charming will find him one day

I kept begging to turn back time because i didn't belong here
but when I found a girl who's scars matched mine we told stories of the devil's diseased trees
and how laughter become painful noise

we talked of how the wind began to hurt and whisper to us
it would tell us that the only way to escape was to pick the leaves off the trees in the forest of hell

she made me realize death wasn't what i was running from
she made me realize that hell may be at my heels but it doesn't mean that i have to keep running
she made me realize that if i want to i can turn around and look the devil in the eyes and say
you won't be the end of me

Depression claims another soul
Carried it down the rabbit hole

There it will remain
Forever shackled in it's chains

For once the black dog bites down
He drags you underground

You will remain changed
Your world rearanged

Your buried alive
No chance to survive

Dawning dullness covers eyelids
Vailed feeling shrinking numbness
Sitting quiet watching shadows
Like a dream it's slipping dripping
Life between my fingers sinking
Into dirt transforming slowly
Thickly painting feelings heavy
Yet...

Final song is still to catch
Distill from the air that
Nurtured lifeless cells
Oh no, wasn't born to waste

No real gesture emerges
For the sea of falseness,
I need some truth
To keep on going
My hands too busy
Keeping my head above
This muddy water

I know I should be sorry
I know I should feel bad
Because here I am doing the thing
I said I'd never do again.

I said I wouldn't hurt myself
But that's been ******* all along.
The only thing that kept me clean
Was knowing that if I slipped
I'd be hurting more than just me.

But now I'm sitting here
Like I have so many times
Tearing at my skin
For a glimpse
Of sweet relief.

In the grand scheme of things
A few small scrapes
Doesn't make a difference.
It's nothing dangerous
And it's not hurting anyone
It's just a way for me to silence
The monsters in me.

I don't care anymore
About taking care of me
I'll do what I want
Even if it kills me.
I'll do what I want
Even if it means
ruining nine months
Of a fleeting fantasy

I think it's time
For me to close my eyes
And slip into the sleep
That I've always desired.

I think it's time
To say goodbye
To everything I've grown to know
And everything I'll have to let go.

I think it's time
To find out
Once and for all
What dreams may come.

My hands have betrayed me.
Once the means to write pages,
Now my hands are only dead weight.

My hands won't pick up a pen.
Or even type short,
Choppy sentences.

They dangle at my sides
And find refuge in my hair,
Leaving me bleeding.

Like my hands,
My mouth has declared itself
My enemy.

Once the passageway for words
To explain myself,
My mouth is now as useful as a broken bridge.

With nothing of value to say,
It talks  
And sings anyway.

It opens without my permission
But stays closed whenever I try
To scream meaning.

The inability to illustrate
Or translate my mind
And my soul
Is not an unfamiliar ordeal.

But it's lonely on the outside
And frustrating looking in.
It seems I'll always feel like an alien.

People will often say
That those who have trouble
Letting others in
Are "guarded".

And maybe that's true
In most cases.
They wear an emotional
Suit of armor
And build imaginary walls
Around their hearts.

I also have trouble
Letting people get close.
But I would not,
In any circumstances,
Say that I am "guarded".

To call someone "guarded"
Insists that they are protected,
Safe from harm.
That's where the word loses its
Relevance to me.

I am not protected.
Not in the slightest.
I wear no suit of armor
And have no walls
Around my heart.

I'm as vulnerable as a baby deer
Who's lost it's mother
And broke it's leg.
I am susceptible
To any and all types of injury.

I am not safe from harm
Or impervious to heartbreak.
In fact,
I'm fragile.
My heart is brittle
And will break as easily as glass.

I have trouble letting people in,
But I am by no means "guarded".
I have trouble letting people in
Because I am extremely unguarded.

I am not protected or safe,
But I am evasive.
Which is probably
The smartest thing to be,
For people like me.

I run from danger
And emotional intimacy
Because I know
I'm too frail
To handle being mistreated
Or left alone.

After letting myself fall
Over and over again,
I've learned that love
Is not worth the pain
It inevitably causes.

I am done risking
My delicate soul
To feel close to someone.
At least for now,
I don't want to love
Or be loved by anyone.

For now,
I'm still recovering.
I'm still learning how to live
With myself and without the
Infatuation of someone
Who will most likely end up
Being nothing but a memory.

I won't correct you
If you call me "guarded".
But those who do not wish
To be emotionally close
Are not always so hardened.
Sometimes they're soft
And scared of the world around them.

It absorbs me, you know?
Like a black hole
I fall into a recess,
A void in my mind.
It's like my insides dig their way out,
Surround me,
Dragging the puppet show smile
Into the center,
Hiding it like a bad gift.
I twist out of myself,
The darkest parts come center stage,
The spotlight a stark contrast.
The cold spot of my dreams
Drinking up the light
Turning into every lucid thought
we push aside.
I marry it
Like a death sentence,
Both prey and predator,
A battle along the seams of my skin.
They have to drag me out of it
Like a grave:
I want it badly,
Permanent and aching.