i’m so sorry for being such a mess
for not having the right words
or any words at all
but i’m trying
i really am
trying

*(s.m)

Turn up the silence and block out the sun,
Alone in my room, a bottle and a gun.
It goes click twice, I'll see another day,
Tears start to fall, can't carry on this way.

My world is not of the written word
It cannot be numbered
held captive on a so called page

My world is liquid
as sea , rain , snow or ice
It can be hot , cold , or entice

My world is cloudy
It thunders after it flashes light
My world is wrong , my world is right

There are no words that bind my life
I won't be delegated
to exist in the black on white

I will not be staved
by the limited sways
of the written words upon the page

Learned to scream without making a sound
Learned to cry with my eyes closed
Learned to dream without sleep
Learned to bleed without cuts
Learned to feel pain on the inside
Learned to hide scars so they don’t leave marks
Learned to bleed with a heart that stopped beating
Learned to breathe with lungs that have long since collapsed
Learned that my problems cause my loved ones to suffer
Learned that an apology don’t fix anything
Learned that living doesn't mean you’re alive
Learned that asking someone for help makes you a pathetic attention seeker  
Learned that its probably better to die rather than to fake living

My insecurities plagued me my entire life.
I never trusted anyone for fear of being hurt and the only one who not only gained my heart, body and soul was standing before me deliberating on whether I was worth the effort.

As my mind goes crazy
My clock beats faster
And the dam protruding from my face can't hold back the Red Sea any longer.
Everything that was once pure becomes stained
Stained with my sorrow
Stained with my love stations ooze

And in the midst of all of this insanity I start to question whether my body even wants to feel whole heartedly sad.
And yet it's my wish to be numb,
But my desire of honesty
And love gives no allowance for
Feeling nothing.

i'm the girl who tares herself apart
because she tries to find something she's missing

i'm the girl who is scared of her own mind
because i don't know how to control it

i'm the girl who used to cry herself to sleep
because i didn't know how to be "good enough"

i'm the girl who has a secret that will change everything

i'm the girl who gets stronger every fall

i'm the girl who makes jokes about things i really don't think are funny

i'm the girl who doesn't know what love feels like
but can give it to whoever needs it

i'm the girl who's more than an age

i'm more then what you think of me

do I
eat breakfast
or starve myself
again? tonight
i will write my
suicide note
but only in
in my head
tomorrow i
will wish
i was already
dead, and despite
all this i will still
will get myself out of bed.

I am
really good at
tearing away
people who love me.

The spring in your steps
And the spring in nature
Playing a match
That let me have a catch
Of a bit of happiness
In all my loneliness

In all my loneliness
This weather makes me
Light as a feather
Dreaming of us together*

Dreaming of us together
In a fairyland
We claim as ours
Where a vast meadow
Filled with flowers
Dancing as the wind blows

Dancing as the wind blows
Taking away my woes
Sun rays kissing our skin
Let the light shine upon us