i like the way you feel my skin after i take off all my makeup
i like the way the pillowcase wrinkles after you get up
i like the way you curl into a ball as you sleep
i like the way you smile at me when you wakeup
i like the way you pull me closer in the middle of the night
i like the way the sheets move when you sleep
i like the way you toss and turn when you’re trying to find a comfortable spot
i like the way you shed your beard hairs onto the pillow
i like the way you kiss me every time you wake up in the night
i like the way you always make sure the fan gets to me too
i like the way you always make sure i have water to drink for when I’m thirsty during the night
i like the way you always tuck me into bed
i like the way you hold me close
i like the way you kiss me when the sun rises
i like the way you never leave me without a kiss and hug goodbye
i like the way you always ask how i slept
i like the way you hug me even when I'm mad
i like the way you kiss my forehead as we argue
i like the way you accept me for me

i remember the anorexia
depression
suicide attempts
long days
silent nights
endless fighting
screaming
bruises
tears
packed bags
getaway plans
drugs
fainting
draining thoughts
restless body
empty thoughts
emotion

that was eight years ago
but its somehow coming back
in split seconds
with no warning
like a storm
flooding your home
trapping you
with nowhere to go
and you don't know who to call
the help can't get to you

I'm trying to let go
but i think I'm letting go of all the wrong things
myself
my health
my feelings
my mind
my future

I think it's coming back
My scary thoughts
My burning temptations
And as I sink further into this couch
I want to sink even further
I don't know what's wrong with me
I know what makes me sad
But I don't know why it makes me this sad
Why do things keep happening to me
It's never ending
And I don't understand why
Why can't I just go on with my life
Why do I crave sad songs and lasting tears
And why do I have to feel sad to feel inspired
Why can't I be inspired when I'm happy

I always feel restrained
I crave outside
I crave the sky, the wind, the birds, and the trees
I wish I could write with my eyes closed
To truly write what I see, feel, fear, and dream of
I want to float into the sky
But at the same time I want to sink to the bottom of the ocean
Because I want to be free
But I don't know if that means living or dying
I want things to make sense again
I want to make sense again
They don't get it
Sometimes I don't even get it
My mind is so confusing that I have to take a breath
And try to move forward with it

Why does the ocean floor feel so inviting
Why do the dark nights and empty spaces give me so much peace
I like being alone
I like not wanting to see anyone
I take steps back and watch everyone ahead of me
I try to figure out what's going on
And why I am so different
But I can never seem to figure it out
And I know life was never meant to be easy or simple
But I know life was never meant to be empty or dangerous

I'm dangerous
I need to escape my mind
Because it controls everything I do
And that's the problem with human bodies
Mind over matter always wins
And by the time we realize what matters
It's too late
My mind always wins
But I always lose

"dont do it"
i say to myself in my head

because i know i want to text you so bad
and talk once more
start things up
and see how you are

but i know it would be the worst mistake of all
because i know it will do me no good
it will only make me worse

im in love with someone else
but i still care about you
we grew up together
and now i never hear from you

i don't want you to get the wrong message if we speak
because i only care as a friend
but i know you care for more

you know me inside and out
and i thought i knew you inside and out as well
but no one really knows
because you never let anyone in
you almost let me in
but i ****** it up
and I'm sorry

i know you'll never forgive me
and when you see my face
you'll only think of what i did to you
and how hurt you were
and still are

but i am sorry
and saying sorry won't ever make up for it
but i will spend the rest of my life wishing i was different back then

i am different now
and i would never do now what i did to you then
but its too late
isn't it?

i want to see what you're up to
and hangout like we used to
spend hours just talking about pointless ****
but laughing uncontrollably

i want to spend hours on the phone
like we used to
about how life ***** but we'll make it through

life is short
and things change too quickly
without choice
or realization

its weird not talking to you
its weird not seeing you
its weird not having any communication at all
i miss it
but you'll get the wrong idea

because i miss you as a friend
but you miss me as someone more

im in love with someone else
and he is absolutely perfect
i will never let him go
but if you want to talk to me too
then you have to let me go

i want to scream
i want to cry
i want to breakdown
i want to kick
i want to throw

why are we back
to the nonsense no one believes
why are we back
to the threats
the violence
the unfair trial
and the lack of respect

i thought we were getting better
i thought we had finally fixed it
i was wrong
and i am more mad
at myself
for thinking that anything would get better

you don't understand
you're not hearing me out
you're shutting me down
and i don't know what to do

why am i to blame
for someone else's doing
why am i the one to be
screamed at
threatened
cursed at
and why am i the one to be
here

i don't want to be here
i want to run away
and leave
like a rebellious teenager
trying to figure out
who they are

but I'm not a teenager
and I'm not
typically rebellious
i know
who i am

i go by the rules
test the small ones
always try to please
and never disrespect

so why

why am i being kicked out of my own house
that I've lived in my entire life?

because

because my dad's girlfriend left ***** pots by the sink
and i didn't clean them.

i was not asked to clean them
it was not my mess
it had nothing to do with me
i didn't even see them
because i was not even home

but my dad is kicking me out
because i didn't do the ridiculous

so you wanted a rose tattoo
but you never got one
you thought eventually you would
but not now
you thought you had time

but you never got one
because eventually never came
and now meant ever
we thought you had time

you were in the hospital bed
chemo always keeping you company
but you knew that hospital bed wouldn't be there soon
and now you're in the clouds

my cousin wanted a tattoo
but she couldn't decide what to get
you told her just get one already
because life is too short to not do what you want

one week later
you were gone
we were broken
and you looked over all of us

my cousin listened to you
she got that tattoo
so that you're always with her
oh those angel wings

you wanted a rose tattoo
just on your ankle
but you never got it
because time ran out

you never got the chance
to truly do what you wanted
to be wild
and feel free

so I'm getting a rose tattoo
just on my ankle
because next summer
it will be 10 years

10 years ago
you told my cousin to live her life
10 years ago
your life was taken

so mom,
I'm getting a rose tattoo
with your birth date
going up along the stem

the stem will be dark green
with thorns
but the rose will be red
and fully bloomed

because you didn't have a great past
but i know you're free now
something rough
can become smooth

so i want a rose tattoo
and I'm getting it next summer
because 10 years ago
my mom didn't live out her life like she wanted
so i will for her