normally if its a rainy day
i would be sad
unmotivated
unproductive
and impatiently waiting for the sun

but today its pouring
and there is thunder and lightning
but somehow I'm the happiest I've ever been
because of you

even though the weather is unhappy
i am beaming
you make me the sun in a storm
and i know this is the cheesiest thing you will ever read
but its true

you're my sun
in the eye of the hurricane

you're my warmth
when the cold water hits my skin

you're my glow
when the sky is grey
and filled with despair

its raining
and all i want to do is
smile

im glad i never kissed you
im glad we never had that moment
im glad nothing ever happened

i thought you were the one
and we shared so many memories
but what was it for

we grew up together
and confided in each other
we helped each other
and said we would always be there

wow how much we've changed
you decide to come up with made up conclusions
about thoughts and ideas you think i have
and i decided to not put up with **** i don't need

I'm through helping you
since you no longer help me
since you no longer care
and no longer keep me in mind

you wouldn't believe the things I've said about you
that make you seem like a god
that would make your confidence and ego beam
but thats all changed now

now you're ignorant
now you're cynical
now you're a narcissist
now you're so far removed from the world

why couldn't you see what you had
right under your nose
and inside the deep valves of your heart
because i know you loved me

I'm happy its done though
i don't want that negativity anymore
i want someone who makes me shine
and i finally found him

he makes me thankful you're no longer in my life
that you're done with
and that i decided to move on
because now i can be who i am

you made me mad
angry
cry
and scared

the man of my dreams now makes me happy
feel respected
feel confident
and he makes me be myself around him

we have disagreements
yes
but they never end in a fight
just a simple lesson of communication and compromise

thats something you could never do
it was always your way or no way
you were controlling
just like my father

i couldn't handle you
i never tried to change you
i only tried to understand
and now i understand completely

you are not the one after all
and i don't know if you were
at some point or another
but i know you are no longer for me

but i wish you well
and hope you find someone
just like i have
because i think you will feel how i feel now

its always my fault
with my face full of makeup
bare skin showing
my tight clothing
my "female" attitude

was i drinking?
what was i wearing?
well how much makeup did i have on?
did i give him false intentions?
maybe i shouldn't go out at night

except

i wasn't drinking
i was fully clothed
i had little makeup on
i had a boyfriend
and it was in the middle of the day

but

even if i was drinking
even if i was wearing a short skirt with a small top
even if i had a lot of makeup on
even if i was flirtatious
and even if it was at night

it wasn't my fault

i said no
i said stop
i cried
i trembled

i went to a clinic
and the police were notified
but i was the one questioned
like i was the one who decided this
like i wanted this

"it's a man's nature"

no it is not.

i am so sick of hearing that.
my boyfriend
is the sweetest
most caring
affectionate
human i know.
he loves me for me
he respects me
and i know he would never hurt me.
it is not in his nature to assault someone

so stop telling me
it's a "man's nature"
no it ******* isn't.

and it was not my fault either.
it was his.
i said no.
what is there not to understand
about the word
"no"

people always tell me the police care
i have never laughed so hard in my life
no they don't
they care about protecting reputations
rather than saving the hurt

we're in a world
a society
where protecting the boys
is more important
than helping the girls

and i am here to tell any victims
whether you are a male or female
that it is not your fault
ever.

what a ****** up thing this world really is.

sometimes i wish i could go back
and tell myself not to go that day
tell myself to stay home
don't use the car
eat at home

sometimes i wish i could go back
and tell myself to not trust him
tell myself he's unprofessional
you can find new friends
in public areas

sometimes i wish i could go back
and warn myself
that something will happen very shortly
if i choose to go out for lunch
instead of stay home

sometimes i wish i could go back
and make different decisions
make a decision to find food at home
and to not trust everyone you meet
because there are some terrible people right under your nose

but i was only eighteen
i had 2 hours to spare
it was lunch
i was hungry
and you offered to bring me out to lunch

i shouldn't have gone
i should have stayed home
i shouldn't have waited in your house for you
i should have seen the signs
and then everything turned upside down

because as i yelled for you to stop
you covered my mouth
and as tears ran down my face
you got angrier
and i got scared

i wish i could go back
and not go out to lunch

i wish i could go back
and not run into that situation

i wish i could go back
because then maybe
just maybe
i wouldn't have been
*****

you act like it didn't happen
like I'm completely fine
and nothing ever ruined me

you don't know what its like
and i don't expect you to

but as a sister
i expect you to care about me
like any sister should

you never care about when I'm sad
you never ask me how I'm doing
or if i need anything

you tell me to get over it
to move on
to start acting like an adult

excuse me

any person
whether they are 9
19
28
or 47
would be affected just the same

we never asked for this to happen
and it should never happen to anyone else

"act like an adult"

i am

i am acting like the true person i am
which is an adult who was ***** by someone she trusted

you don't know what its like
and i don't expect you to

but care
care for me
I'm your younger sister
and you should care for me
like i care for you

I'm always there for you
through everything
thick and thin
but why can't you be there for me
for something i don't know how to deal with

all I'm asking for are
ears
hugs
and an understanding of how i feel

thats all

i just want the person i look up to
to still be in my life

i feel worse now
than i did last year

it didn't hit me until several hours later
but a year later and its hitting me even harder

i don't know who to talk to
i don't know how to move on

my dad can't know what happened
but his brother knows

because its happened to him
and no one else knows that

except for me
and my siblings

its so ****** up

how someone could do that to another person

and then go on completely fine
as if nothing happened
as if they have done nothing wrong
as if they haven't ruined someones life over their decisions

i just don't know what to do anymore

i thought i could do this
but I've become weaker and weaker
as the days go on

i want to cry
and break down

but i have classes to attend
and my health to keep up with

i don't even know if its all worth it anymore

i want to give up
but at the same time i want to keep going

i want a future
with my soulmate
and kids

but i want to give up now because part of me thinks i can't do it
i can never move on from this
and deal with this properly

so i sit on my deck
typing on my computer
in the shade
but the sun is infront of me
and i feel the wind brushing by my ears through my flyaways

i wish i could figure my life out
and seek help

i want to go back and dig deep
i want to go back into my past
to bring up all of the dirt
and secrets
so that i can move on

I'm stuck
and i don't know how to deal with my past

i have so much baggage
i am my own airport
except i don't know where to move on from
or where to go back to

but my mom dying
my dad abusing me
my depression
my anorexia
my anxiety
my assault
my ****

is all haunting me to this day
even though its been

9 years
8 years
7 years
7 years
7 years
3 years
1 year

i feel like i am so ****** up
i can never be fixed

i feel so trapped
with all of the freedoms that i have

i moved away
found new friends
found a soulmate

but I'm stuck
and yet still positive that i will eventually get through this

i just don't know when
when ill finally be able to be at peace
with all thats happened

i don't know who to tell my troubles to
and this poem is me venting
because this site are my ears
no one will listen
so i write to you
the readers
the site
my computer
my online brain and thoughts

so ****
i need someone to help me
i need someone to tell me what to do

because i am lost
in my backyard
where i look out
behind gates
and a pool deck

white privilege
but real issues lay behind me
in my middle class home
where i should be happy
in my backyard