Is it really so true that fear can keep us trapped and imprisoned by nothing but mere thoughts?

Invisible bars with such real rigidness in their stance.

Within these walls I wonder, is it normal to watch another person cry and feel like it's the most intimate you can be with a person? And if so, what does that say about what I'm putting up with?

You can open my legs repeatedly, but you'll never know me there; because unlike other humans I live in my heart.

If you know the key to that door isn't your ****, even though it fits, but it was your deepest secrets, would you dare to open me still?

Should I consider the ones who answer no to be cowards?

And maybe that is why I have grown to hate you. Because I stand in the bravery of authenticity but still tremble at the thought of being alone.

So maybe then in actuality I hate myself too.

In conclusion, I suppose I hate neither.

I only hate the mirror you are that shows me who the real coward is here, and I'm sick of staring.

My
Incessant
Struggle to
Understand myself.
No one else
Dares to
Even
Really
Seriously
Try. Not even for
One *******
Ordinary
Day.

I don't want to remember you anymore.

I want the essence of you to disappear in between the wrinkles of my brain.

Stashed thinly away like money or pictures in between pages of books for safe keeping and I hope to God that I don't pull out the wrong book on a rainy day.

I don't want to see your picture fall out that day,  
Or any day.

You say you want to drink it all away.

Bottom to top,

Bottles empty.

                                                Yet, when you sober up,
                          
                                  You'll
                                               pour
                                                         more
                                                                    alcoholic
                                                                                     thoughts

Down your brain.

                         I don't know if you can cure the alcohol poisoning
                                                 Soaked in your head.

I get to watch you drown even though I've taken the bottle away

Cause I can't take away the repetitive toxic songs you decide to play.

Self Love.

A plant inside of us all that we have to constantly remember to water

And grow with.

You can be the fire
And I can be the air.
Fueling flames and going higher.

We can twist and dance,
Spin and twirl.
Essence of Earth,
Hidden, buried pearl.

I can be your tornado
And you can be my inferno.
"Natural disasters"
Booming thunder
But also, a worldly wonder.

I feel like a little kid trying to catch a rolling ball but my toes keep tapping against it every time I get close at all.

Instead I'm tripping and stumbling after my own heart.
Scraped knees and loose laces.
Ignoring all the laughing faces.

Somewhere along my way,
A boy looked up and noticed
All the disarray.
He thought it was cute
So he comes my way.

My heart came to a stop
Hugged up against the side of his shoe.
He picked it up, smiled, and said,
"I think this belongs to you."

Do they know how hard it is to roar as a lion
When you feel like the mouse?

Do they know how hard it is to leave the nest
When this has been you're only home?

Do they know how hard it is to
Spread your wings and fly
When the ground is all you've ever known?

Do they know?

When they watch you day after day
They should know,
Shouldn't they?
How strong we are now that we mustered up enough courage
To jump
And soar.

Do you know
How brave
You really are?

I hope I get to see the fear in your eyes ignite in wildfire.

The terror you turned down to a low burning flame as you locked in the chains.

I hope you hide away when you watch me break link by link, and drop the things that have weighed on me.

The princess you shut away in the dungeon, so afraid she'd take your kingdom.

I hope you watch me take back all that was mine.
My birth right.

You will fall from so high
And you'll watch as I rise.

I will no longer bow and obey.
I am the queen and you're about to learn the tale of
The slave.

If your heart
                      has strings attached
                                                        ­  to the stars,
                                 The night sky your puppeteer;


                                                 Then find me.


        Because I need more people connected to a belief in magic.
                                   Who's hearts live elsewhere
            And minds wild enough to fly off into space with me.

All the times that you whispered, "You don't love me,"

I came back tenfold shouting, "Yes, I do! Yes dad I do!"

But my kisses fell on the ground, the wind could not carry them far enough.

But my words fell upon deaf ears, ears that must have been burned off once from your own days in the past.

But my eyes could not have been teary enough, my heart must not have felt it enough, my soul must not have shouted it enough.

Was I just not enough?

I watched that door everyday since it was "the right thing" to do to say goodbye to Dad on his way out to work.

God the torturous mornings of feeling my heartbreak in tiny pieces every time I had to say goodbye because I just wanted you to feel it.

I just wanted you to hear it.

But you couldn't. You can't. You won't.

And I've seen the back door close in my face so many times

That one day I let it close on my heart instead,

And no matter how many times you knock,

Or bang,

Or yell,

I will not come.
I will not hear you

And instead of coming to the door I so desperately wish I could open,
I won't even put myself through touching the ******* door ****.

I almost don't even remember you..
I keep going back to try but
You feel like a dream.

One where the memory is fading
Like when you try to hold on as
You wake up
But it's slowly disappearing
As the morning sunrise shines through the window..

Sometimes I just want to fall back asleep
To make it continue.
Other times, I'm glad it's just black.

My mind is breaking down
And I'm speaking words at walls.
I see them float out of my mouth,
Letter by letter
Like the Alice in Wonderland
Caterpillar.

They float and stick along the brick.

I'm so done. I'm so sick.

I can't keep speaking because it doesn't get through
And it doesn't matter what I do.

I keep asking, is it all me??
Am I the one with a problem?

Then I can feel my mind start detaching
When it goes through all the possibilities
Until the thoughts go so fast that my mind can't even see them anymore.

It starts to slow down then turns into one giant bomb.
And I can't stop...

My reality is twisting and turning.
Leaving me behind
And I can't make sense of anything anymore.
I'm ****** up.
I have a broken mind.

You're the creator of your life.
No tools needed other than your mind
But for some reason mine just can't make the grind.

I feel like i need a pen or
A magic wand
To reach the infinity and beyond.
I picture places and people,
Imagining more to life
Than just a short sequel.

I feel like I don't grasp time
And that I'm not prophetic,
More like the blind leading the blind.

I know I'm at the forefront now,
Aware of every little shape and sound
But it's not any better
Sitting in silence.
Just because I'm calm
Doesn't mean I'll stay quiet.

Now I see problems are lessons
And happiness a blessin'.
It's still hard even when you've found yourself
But at least I can say
I wouldn't rather be anybody else.

The lion takes the reigns
And I am learning what it's like to take
Courage.

I do not need a mane to be
Powerful.

I am finding my claws, my strength,
My roar, my teeth.

Watch my lips curl back
And let me show you what it's like
To be queen of the jungle.

I am scared to become human again.

This mind has expanded and this Eye has

lifted this world from grey to color.

If you only could read these words and understand

The me that you knew

Has left the view.

I am I N F I N I T E

and I seep into the dirt and the leaves,

pieces of me are in everything and them in me.

I can finally feel it all so much stronger.

I am no longer here,

I am with

The Mother and The Father.

I'm sick of dragging and sinking.
My head full of excessive thoughts with no way of escape
Because they always come back.
I'm playing them on repeat and eventually the words split up and
fall apart
Into their individual letters and they stack.
Like Tetris,
Going and going
Until there is no more room and


                                                       You lose.

I've been told over and over
That one day there will be a second coming
That arrives in flames and fire
And the righteous will be exalted.

As much as I've imagined that day,
I'll tell you that I've never felt closer to
Transcendence
Than when I was surrounded by the trees.

The door that lifts the veil,
For me,
Is stepping out into the wild
That they say,
God created.

You walked in,
And I could feel everything bursting through the door.
Emotions swirling around you to the point I think it spun me dizzy
But it woke me up,
And I was hoping I could just catch
A little bit of that wind
Comin' off you;
My grand tornado.

We watch movies and repeatedly listen to songs
Drawling on and on about the perfect, most passionate love.
Soulmates;
But if I loved the way I want,
The way they do in the movies,
Boom box outside your window,
Traveling across the world at the drop of a hat,
Grabbing your hand and dragging you out at night and early morning to watch stars and sunrises,
The grand gestures.
People would look at me like I was crazy.
It would get old;
To have someone who's eyes have glassed over with a rose colored shade.

You wouldn't live me.
You wouldn't experience me.

No.

You'd rather sit on your *** and watch me, portayed in bits and pieces,
On your TV screen.

In the stillest of moments,
Like in early morn or
Late night when the world has
Teetered on it's quitest side,
My soul escapes.

Floating in small pieces on the coarse of my breath,
It drops like snow and melts
me into the present.

And I let an essence of myself
Bind into the fabric of those memories, and every early morning
Or late night when everything around me has settled,

I come back to life a little.