If I pretend that you aren’t here
                                 long enough



                                                 Maybe I’ll be numb


                                        Maybe the thumping of my pulse
                                                         Of my veins

                                                          ­       Right by
                                                                my bones,

                                                     Would disappear with you

                                                Maybe then
                                                         Maybe then
                                                            ­     Maybe then

                   Maybe then I could live without you

The story of us,
As Tay-Tay would say
Is nothing like it was
What once was inseparable dependence
Has been diluted;
Reduced to ashes;
Burned by pain, jealousy, fear…
I hold the match

Arsen has become my second nature
My thinking,
Breathing...
The worst part is,
I never wanted to be this criminal.
This fire.
I loved you with such intensity,
That I learned to trust myself...
I wish I didn't.
Because once I did,
I thought, I believed, I
Knew
You were going to put me out
Stop the flames
But...
I was selfish
I was wrong

Between mood swings and whiplash,
Us and them
Somewhere along the way…
I lost you.
I
Lost
You.

Love is…
Love is everything and nothing all at once.
A mighty wallop of childlike ecstasy,
Blinding you;
Sedating you...
It’s beautiful misery.
Euphoric pain.
The high is unlike any other,
And the lows
Seep and sit with
The ghosts of Hell
Decaying like their once bodies.
And yet...
Here I am,
Thanking you for this pain
Once again.

I can't breathe.
What a feeling.
The taste of blood in my mouth,
Sutures inside my heart
Pulling me into the sky
Like the final smoke of dying embers
I watch the end from behind a glass screen
Screaming at the top of my lungs
My throat is red and tight
Tears cling to me in waves
And I still
Can't
Breathe.

It's not anxiety, no
I've gone through that
Panic, too...
This is an attack of a different kind
A sickness of the mind and heart
That invades my system in viral storms
Lightning bolts
Of anguish and excruciating thunder...
There is no pain like this...
I'm just stuck
Until you deem me worthy enough to fight for.


But I only have so much oxygen left...


Only so much time, before...

Well...
You know.

I'm gone.

I just walk around
Looking for someone
Anyone to talk to
Anyone who will listen
Because I'm so starved for affection
For attention
That when I see you
The only source of adoration I have
I choke
At the idea of you
Because all I can think of
Is how wonderful it tastes to feel
Loved,
And how much it tortures me when you
Don't.

This bracelet
This bracelet means nothing, really
Just some plastic beads
Black thread
Uncomplicated knots with strings of offset orange, yellow, green.
It’s just a bracelet.

But it’s your bracelet.
Your bracelet.
The replacement for the blue one I lost in New York
The one I hated myself for dropping
But you never did
You just fixed it
And every time I see it,
It’s like I’m there with you again

My heart leaps from my chest
At it’s shining, vibrant face
Smiling at me like an old friend
Because that’s what we are

When I’m nervous, I twist the band
The beads click and dance and sing in my fingertips
I think of it like those ruby red slippers
Maybe if I click it enough times you’ll appear next to me

I wish that were how it worked
Wished the bracelet could talk me down
Off of this ledge of conclusions
But it can’t.
We will never be the same...
Unlike the bracelet.
Because when it comes together on my wrist,
Kissing the skin you used to

It feels like you
It feels like home

I remember that day
When we first met
I remember everything after it, too
The way we talked
How we held hands like little kids
Too happy to be anything but

But…

But then that ended
Like a burning sunset, it faded
It was my fault
I know
It’s fine, I get it, but none of that matters now
Because I need you
I need you

I will be okay
If it means I can be with you
I will be okay
If it means I can help you
I will be okay
If it means we don’t let go
I will be okay
If it means you’ll stay with me
I
Will be okay
As long as you’ll be happy
Because that’s all I’ve ever wanted