I am a specter; a ghost
Reliving my past through new eyes and tongue-tied words.
The first time was easy--
Carefree,
Consistent;
But not now.
No,
Not now.

Emotions, like zombies, crawl out of their home,
Their graves shallow,
The scent of never-touched-before thick in the winter air.

Before, there were ducklings and salted-pretzel parades;
Now it’s hot chocolate, rain, and quiet smiles
Shining in the back of my mind.
I had only ever felt that way about the snowflakes.
The ones that danced on the side of concrete cadences,
Where chestnuts roasted over sparkling flames
Cigarettes lit and street lights blinding the passersby…

But that was then.
I exist now.
I exist in arguments with no true end that take me away from my sanctuary.
I exist in bad puns and hands intertwined.
I exist in the future of what I recall to be the truth.
There was nothing like this before;
So sweet and kind in subway cars
Or flights of stairs.
Together like two mismatched yet
Perfectly paired puzzle pieces.
I never owned that puzzle as a child living on the East Coast.
But I’m glad I do, now.

These are the moments I live for;
Too late to dream, too early to rise.
In between white cotton sheets that press on pale legs
Shifting ever so slightly.
Fluorescent light shining on wide eyes
From too much honesty...
It’s blinding.

This is no unordinary occurrence.
Nightly conversations that go too far,
But never far enough.
Living alongside the stars in an attempt to find you.
Learn you.

This is feeling of sacrosanct darkness;
Holy ground.
An intimacy so crystal clear and strong,
It cuts through me like a diamond.
Every nerve alive
But somehow sedated
All at once…

Love.
Sacred, and magical,
Radiating and infecting everything it touches
In the best of ways.
We don’t need to be there to be here,
But it doesn’t hurt if we are.
It never hurts.

I’m not sure if this is what remains for you,
But I still feel the surge of electricity,
Of warmth,
Of happiness from forever ago.
We were beautiful…
Weren’t we?

Red, yellow, green…
They’re all I see
Flying backward in time
Into dimensions of warm autumn colors
Heads spinning
Dizzy dreams weaving together
Like our hands
Intertwining

Red, yellow, green…
All of them pull me back
Back to that moment
Under the stars,
Breathing symphonies
Of crisp air
Lungs tired and feet sore
The stars shining in your eyes like sparklers

Red, yellow, green…
The crunch of the leaves as we run
Run to fly again
Above the heads of people
I could never love like you
Sleeping like the butterflies
Softly lulling us into submission

Red, yellow, green
The color of the leaves
But also
The colors of our voyeuristic lips as the day went on
The colors of the golden lights that lit the way home
The color of your army jacket wrapped around me
The colors of fall
That day in October
Where you and I were more than ourselves.

We were heroes.