It was only a kiss.

This I must repeat,
As I feel my own selfishness,
But also my guilt.
Like a monster from a fairy tale,
It crawls from my stomach
And into my throat,
Clawing its way out.

You wanted this.
The truth.
Instead, another monster came to you.
One with green-eyes and
Speculations.
I should never have made you read that play.
The one I wrote
To push my fears of you away.
But alas…
The past and I aren’t friends.

And soon--
Neither will we.

This bracelet
This bracelet means nothing, really
Just some plastic beads
Black thread
Uncomplicated knots with strings of offset orange, yellow, green.
It’s just a bracelet.

But it’s your bracelet.
Your bracelet.
The replacement for the blue one I lost in New York
The one I hated myself for dropping
But you never did
You just fixed it
And every time I see it,
It’s like I’m there with you again

My heart leaps from my chest
At it’s shining, vibrant face
Smiling at me like an old friend
Because that’s what we are

When I’m nervous, I twist the band
The beads click and dance and sing in my fingertips
I think of it like those ruby red slippers
Maybe if I click it enough times you’ll appear next to me

I wish that were how it worked
Wished the bracelet could talk me down
Off of this ledge of conclusions
But it can’t.
We will never be the same...
Unlike the bracelet.
Because when it comes together on my wrist,
Kissing the skin you used to

It feels like you
It feels like home

I am what I am.
The wavering question mark at the end of the nervous inquiry.
I am the final drops of dandelion wine that grace your monstrous lips as you scream at me for being empty.
I am the first drag of your cigarette as you blame the stars for your twisted fate.
I am the silence after the collision of your fist to my cheek, the stinging of my eyes and red stained skin promising not to fade until the morning after.
I am the sunflowers you left on her grave last winter, long forgotten by both you and time.
I am manic love and screaming intemperance.
The final burst of carelessness as you run to the cliff’s edge in an attempt to mimic Icarus.
I am the intrinsic bleeding of burning star-crossed losers.
I am a universe of exploding stars, unanswered questions, and questionable prayers.
I am the throw of a ticking clock at five am after hours of restless insomnia.
I am going 90 on the freeway at midnight with the music just as volatile.
I am the shudder of anticipation.
The relentless ache for more.
I am Jane Doe.
I am oblivion.
I am freedom.
I am what I am.

Page One



I'm not sure what's worse--
                  Losing my mind
              or
Losing you

Either way,
I'm no longer myself.
What a
beautiful
misery to
need you
so...

Fervently.

Chances are we'll never stick.
Not like glue.
Not like anything you
Could hope for.
I'm not a psychic
But if I were
I'd tell you everything
You wanted to hear
And nothing more.
Because you come first;
Always and forever.
That's not to say
That I'd have it any other way
But it would be nice
If anyone knew
What I actually felt
For you and only you.
But again...
That's only what I
Want to hear.
And this was never about me.
Only what I wished
For us to one day be...
But as each day,
Week
Month
Year
Passes, you begin to wonder;
Will that day ever really come?
Or am I ****** to a lifetime,
An eternity of praying for you?
Fingers crossed
That those promises made
Will be kept?
...
And if not...
I'll look into my crystal vision
And I'll tell you what you want
Because it's your happiness or mine
And as I've said before
I choose yours
Every time.

It’s nights like this
Hyped up on the high
Of post-sadness
And you

My music running laps in my brain
You keep me up, though
You make me like this
I get you tomorrow
To hug you
See you
Maybe even kiss you
But probably not

I do not want to go to sleep
Because it ends this
Feeling of euphoric silence
Because the music in my head
Is so blissful

I don’t know really
Am I sad!
Happy?
Alone.
Who knows
I do not

I should close my eyes
And let this go
And give into it all
But I am stubborn
I need this darkness
A lamp as this is too bright for me

I miss you
Now I sound insane
As if I didn’t before
Oh well
Goodnight nobody

Red, yellow, green…
They’re all I see
Flying backward in time
Into dimensions of warm autumn colors
Heads spinning
Dizzy dreams weaving together
Like our hands
Intertwining

Red, yellow, green…
All of them pull me back
Back to that moment
Under the stars,
Breathing symphonies
Of crisp air
Lungs tired and feet sore
The stars shining in your eyes like sparklers

Red, yellow, green…
The crunch of the leaves as we run
Run to fly again
Above the heads of people
I could never love like you
Sleeping like the butterflies
Softly lulling us into submission

Red, yellow, green
The color of the leaves
But also
The colors of our voyeuristic lips as the day went on
The colors of the golden lights that lit the way home
The color of your army jacket wrapped around me
The colors of fall
That day in October
Where you and I were more than ourselves.

We were heroes.

Once, I never cared for this.
Incandescent lights,
Snowy streets.
Finding adventure in your own two feet.
Swift shoes on misty pavements,
Calling to you like sirens from old
Myths we've long forgotten to tell.
Once, I didn't care how badly
This desire inside me burned.
This call to the unknown,
A cry so deafening
It made me sick,
And I---
Liked it.
I was a wanderess stuck still.
A statue of wanderlust and unlicked postage stamps
So close but oh, so far
From being where I belonged.
It was a nightmare far
More sinister than any
Monster under my bed
Once, I gave up on trying to fly.
To get away
From the poison place I couldn't stand.
I didn't care how I lived
Because no matter what,
I never saw it as my life.
Needless to say
I was wrong.
Once I realized that...
No longer do I stare out windows that stared back daggers
Blaming me for a life I didn't fight to live.
But don't worry, no...
That fight is not over for me, now.
It's only just begun.

I remember that day
When we first met
I remember everything after it, too
The way we talked
How we held hands like little kids
Too happy to be anything but

But…

But then that ended
Like a burning sunset, it faded
It was my fault
I know
It’s fine, I get it, but none of that matters now
Because I need you
I need you

I will be okay
If it means I can be with you
I will be okay
If it means I can help you
I will be okay
If it means we don’t let go
I will be okay
If it means you’ll stay with me
I
Will be okay
As long as you’ll be happy
Because that’s all I’ve ever wanted

If I pretend that you aren’t here
                                 long enough



                                                 Maybe I’ll be numb


                                        Maybe the thumping of my pulse
                                                         Of my veins

                                                          ­       Right by
                                                                my bones,

                                                     Would disappear with you

                                                Maybe then
                                                         Maybe then
                                                            ­     Maybe then

                   Maybe then I could live without you

Love is…
Love is everything and nothing all at once.
A mighty wallop of childlike ecstasy,
Blinding you;
Sedating you...
It’s beautiful misery.
Euphoric pain.
The high is unlike any other,
And the lows
Seep and sit with
The ghosts of Hell
Decaying like their once bodies.
And yet...
Here I am,
Thanking you for this pain
Once again.

Could you be different?
Truly?
Or have I gone too far yet again?
My love, you are the stuff of dreams
With your crystalline eyes and paint-stained fingertips
Those delicate movements from roughly hewn hands pluck gracefully on my heartstrings
That crooked smile, so clever and mischievous; it could get away with ******
You are not for the faint of heart…
But then again…
Neither am I

I can't breathe.
What a feeling.
The taste of blood in my mouth,
Sutures inside my heart
Pulling me into the sky
Like the final smoke of dying embers
I watch the end from behind a glass screen
Screaming at the top of my lungs
My throat is red and tight
Tears cling to me in waves
And I still
Can't
Breathe.

It's not anxiety, no
I've gone through that
Panic, too...
This is an attack of a different kind
A sickness of the mind and heart
That invades my system in viral storms
Lightning bolts
Of anguish and excruciating thunder...
There is no pain like this...
I'm just stuck
Until you deem me worthy enough to fight for.


But I only have so much oxygen left...


Only so much time, before...

Well...
You know.

I'm gone.

I do what I do because I love it/
Not to sound like something I am not/
I find new words because to me/
They are art//
I do not do it to impress/
I take photographs because I find things beautiful//
Not to make you think I'm creative/
I do not write for the glory/
But rather, the story I can imagine/
I do not do it for you//
I do what I do because I love it/
Like the child I'll never have/
My guardian angel/
The best friend I made up as a child//
I'm a mouthpiece for something I can't explain/
But I know it's not done for the praise/
It isn't done for anything/
Other than the fire-like passion/
And desire to make something matter//
I am not pretentious/
I am progressing///

There are sacrosanct daydreams
That, all at once, are too much yet not enough
Whether to make one scream
Between the deafening cries of undeniably divinity
And the consistent ache for the unknown
There’s a schism of morality that we all fall victim to at some point
It’s not a choice, truly
More an inclination to our own mortality
Our humanity
Whatever that may be, of course.
Not like we can cultivate anything near the divine
We can look upon the stars
But we can never call them home
It’s a beautifully tragic irony which begs the question—



Why?

The story of us,
As Tay-Tay would say
Is nothing like it was
What once was inseparable dependence
Has been diluted;
Reduced to ashes;
Burned by pain, jealousy, fear…
I hold the match

Arsen has become my second nature
My thinking,
Breathing...
The worst part is,
I never wanted to be this criminal.
This fire.
I loved you with such intensity,
That I learned to trust myself...
I wish I didn't.
Because once I did,
I thought, I believed, I
Knew
You were going to put me out
Stop the flames
But...
I was selfish
I was wrong

Between mood swings and whiplash,
Us and them
Somewhere along the way…
I lost you.
I
Lost
You.

Here you sit
Six feet from me
The girl who broke me

He makes you laugh
But...
Why so much?
My cheeks,
Hot and red
Turn my stomach into knots
No man could untangle
Except him.

And you
Want him.
You want every man
Except the one you love.
That is always the way.

I must not fear you
But I can't help it.

I just walk around
Looking for someone
Anyone to talk to
Anyone who will listen
Because I'm so starved for affection
For attention
That when I see you
The only source of adoration I have
I choke
At the idea of you
Because all I can think of
Is how wonderful it tastes to feel
Loved,
And how much it tortures me when you
Don't.

These are the moments I live for;
Too late to dream, too early to rise.
In between white cotton sheets that press on pale legs
Shifting ever so slightly.
Fluorescent light shining on wide eyes
From too much honesty...
It’s blinding.

This is no unordinary occurrence.
Nightly conversations that go too far,
But never far enough.
Living alongside the stars in an attempt to find you.
Learn you.

This is feeling of sacrosanct darkness;
Holy ground.
An intimacy so crystal clear and strong,
It cuts through me like a diamond.
Every nerve alive
But somehow sedated
All at once…

Love.
Sacred, and magical,
Radiating and infecting everything it touches
In the best of ways.
We don’t need to be there to be here,
But it doesn’t hurt if we are.
It never hurts.

I’m not sure if this is what remains for you,
But I still feel the surge of electricity,
Of warmth,
Of happiness from forever ago.
We were beautiful…
Weren’t we?

I am a specter; a ghost
Reliving my past through new eyes and tongue-tied words.
The first time was easy--
Carefree,
Consistent;
But not now.
No,
Not now.

Emotions, like zombies, crawl out of their home,
Their graves shallow,
The scent of never-touched-before thick in the winter air.

Before, there were ducklings and salted-pretzel parades;
Now it’s hot chocolate, rain, and quiet smiles
Shining in the back of my mind.
I had only ever felt that way about the snowflakes.
The ones that danced on the side of concrete cadences,
Where chestnuts roasted over sparkling flames
Cigarettes lit and street lights blinding the passersby…

But that was then.
I exist now.
I exist in arguments with no true end that take me away from my sanctuary.
I exist in bad puns and hands intertwined.
I exist in the future of what I recall to be the truth.
There was nothing like this before;
So sweet and kind in subway cars
Or flights of stairs.
Together like two mismatched yet
Perfectly paired puzzle pieces.
I never owned that puzzle as a child living on the East Coast.
But I’m glad I do, now.