when I was younger.
I told my self that one day I'd fit in
that I'd find my place.
And be happy....

Its been years.
It got worse.
My chest still pains from this feeling.
I've carried it for as long as I can remember .

My chest pains from loneliness.

Today I read about Bipolar
my question was if it is really a disease or a phase. So I went through the symptoms.
then I asked my self a question, am I that ill?

i) Constantly changing ideas and topics while talking.
I'd talk about Africa and Europe and how the moon would be a better home for me in one paragraph or sentence.

ii) Loud, rapid, and uninterruptible speech. My best friend says that she cant wait to talk loudly with me when I visit because I'll sing out loud and tell stories as loudly as I can. I often have to repeat things I've said but Its a happy place.

iii) Hyperactive behavior and amplified energy. There are mornings when I wake up and the first thing I do is sing and dance, hug people happily, sometimes I even have the need to dance over nothing in the middle of a road because I'm happy.

iv) Exaggerated self-image (self-confidence). I always say that things can not go wrong and should not, not because they wont but because I choose to think positively, walk i to that room and speak to a stranger if you can, put on that dress if you like it.. I say.

v) Going through Increased creativity and productivity,Grandiose beliefs, Irregular elation or euphoria, Irregular irritability, Random (very high) energy spikes, Loss of enjoyment in once-pleasurable things, Consistent sadness or depressed mood, Loss of energy or fatigue, Insomnia or excessive sleep, Problems with concentration and/or making decisions, Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, Feeling overwhelmed with sadness or despair, Impaired concentration and decisiveness, Diminished pleasure in once-enjoyable activities, Fatigue or lacking energy nearly every day.

Life is happening now and we should live it.
I'm not saying the diagnosis is wrong, I'm saying that some people have more than 4 symptoms but they arent sick, they are just having their best lives now.

its a struggle you must win everyday.
....living.

I'm so much into you it **** hurts.
Do not tell me that I'll move on because I will not.
I loved you yesterday, I love you now and I will love you tomorrow.
I just know I will.
I wanted to hug and kiss you so hard the first time you smiled at me.
But you are the strongest person I know and you go hard at stuff.
I was afraid you'd reject me hard as well.
You are the kind of girl that gives and withdraws your heart when ever you feel like it.
At-least you strike me as such.
Yet I just love you so hard any way.

You walked in today and all I'd think about was how much I'd missed you
I wanted to hug and hold you... so much
You just smiled at me while saying hello and went off to hug some one else.
I wished so much that it was me.
I watch you every day, every time I can.
You smile about the most normal things and worry too much when things do not go your way.
I wish I'd hold your hand through it all. the good and the bad.
To make you realize your not alone.
And you do not have to be.

I need you ....so much.

She turned over in her sleep
but she could not
she just could not push past the hard body behind her
then she remembered where she was and smiled.
he still had his hand around her
she tried to turn and peep at him
he breathed peacefully in his sleep
but even then ,
he still remembered to hold her tighter
he adjusted his position and re-aligned his body with hers.
to pull her closer into him
as though just holding her was not enough
his alarm sounded the first time
and sadness swept over her
the moment had ended, but she was wrong
over and over, his alarm sounded
but he constantly turned to put it off and held her closer
the smile on her face was as though it was painted on her
consistent and not leaving
just like her heart bit and the pulsing behind her
the sun rays kept passing through the curtain
the hours went by
she felt hot, but couldn't move
that was their story.

And that was enough.

Am I blind for believing you
for thinking the ordinary man
flaws and is exempted
its easier to blame, the weakest link
the one who will not get backed up by society
its easier to move on
if one is not affected directly
the system didnt fail us 100%
we fail the system at 50% and it meets us almost half way
its just easier for it to be wrong
because you are another smiling little ordinary man
because you dropped out of school, produced more children than you can handle, trash or *** where ever you feel like, give and collect bribes, cheat in exams or simply fail because you didnt work harder.
Join the others when they say the system failed them
but how many of you gave your best and the system didnot come through?

better starts with me and you.