I woke up in shadows,
The bottle beside me
Chasing the ghosts of what used to be me
Thought I found love in the haze of the night
But all that it brought was the cold empty fight
I rose from the ashes
Rebuilt my own way
No longer a puppet
Im learning to play
I’m standing alone
In the light of my truth
No longer a prisoner of dark wasted youth
With every step forward I’m more than alright
The love that I lost led me back to the light
Memories haunt me like smoke in the air
The laughter the love it’s simply not there
But I found a new strength in my solitude
Embracing the calm, I’m cleansing the rude
In the silence my heart found a song
A melody whispers
“You’re where you belong”
Im standing alone
In the light of my truth
No longer a prisoner of a dark wasted youth
With every step forward I’m more than alright
The love that I lost lead me back to the light
So here’s to the journey
To healing and grace
I found my own home in this damaged space

Though I'm not in jail it all just feels the same
Waking up depressed told just not to complain
A shotgun to my head i feel like Curt Cobain
Not a literal sense, but the context sustains
I don't want money, success, not even some fame
I just want to learn to play this game
Each day it gets hard i just keep  breathing
Wondering how the **** this happened, it feels like treason
From a comical skeptic to a reliable source
I question the water that was gave to the horse
Viewed as a sinner but always in doubt
"Read from the scripture and figure it out"
Nightmares keeping me awake like a proxy
SO many bad thoughts I wish I could get off me
Do your 12 steps Bob, everything is kosher
Yet I wake every night screaming still sober
A stranger does the same, and everyone wants to know her
A technicality set, a glimpse for closure
Different from most but related to some
I feel alone but second to none
Shaking again always be the **** up
"drinkings a sin" Always press my luck up
Some things I will never understand
But if it doesn't change I will be ******

Up the ladder and into the night
Building courage to put up a fight
Down the glass embrace the pain
Frown collapse, stay the same
Mixed signals turned blind astray
It'll all change the next day.

Smiling, laughing joking alike
Thoughts toiling clashing poking with spite
A past written blood soaked tears
Wash them away, a few beers
Ridiculed and neglected a whim  
You're nothing, nothing just "him"
Pursue on, your mind would say
It'll all change the next day

Love and regret burning a fire
Lying awake, sleepless attire
Close your eyes and wish it away
Still nothing's better the next day

Burn the canvas and lose the attire
Just learn from this don’t choose the squire
I’ve lived rich and I’ve lived poor
Laid in a ditch and saw the end so near
Thrown out and cast away
Starving yet drunk lead astray
Good “friends” and good places
Make ammends and fake chases
Looking for redemption or a spot of glory
Searching for salvation in a place not holy
A voice burnt like the scars of time
A choice you learned yet far behind
Apologize and sleep it off
Wake up to realize you’re alone and scoffed
3 years and yet still alone
No more tears you’ve done all you’ve shown
Can’t take back the things that happened
Can’t fix the the rings that cracked and
Still here you are  
Awake 3 am writing in the car
Missing them and knowing they are gone
Wishing them the best knowing you might not see dawn
But none the less you go on
Rambling and talking
Just wishing the life wasn’t the picture you’ve drawn

Broken battered
Woken shattered
Descriptive of a time
Insisted to be fine
Left alone and your will to pray
Lost somewhere along the way

Your will to live
Your will to try
Your will to push on
Your will to strive
The will to get up and be alive astray
Lost somewhere along the way

Trials and stipulations
Walked miles for conversations
Memories of a hope once left at bay
All lost somewhere along the way

Try to run try to hide
Keep your chin up
But you're dead inside
Wear that smile and to everyone youll show it
Because youve already died and they just don't know it
The feelings all numb and
The liquore bottle full
Pour up a drink here here let me say
All of your life was lost somewhere along the way

Made from lust and greed
How can a memory continue to bleed
Swimming in saddness
Treading dead waters
Drowning again in the depths of your sorrow
Frowning again taking steps towards tomorrow
Wondering now just what is the point
Pondering how I sit at the brink
Ice cubes and a cylinder glass
Miscues and a dwindlers past
Wash them away 100s proof
Slosh them and stay, a bundles a spoof
Mere sight lost and all blurry
Clear as night I'm crossed all slurry
Saying thoughts with no worn remorse
Praying clots a lost souls torn corpse
Suicide always is calling my number
Aside the hallways balling my slumber
An unwoken home build on ashes
By an unspoken poem with blood stained clashes
The pictures are burnt and the pages torn
The scars still hurt a broken heart will never learn
Scream in silence at the voices to come
Dream in violence it's the choices your numb
Venture off in your personal hell
Knowing it's your own mind does you well
Swallow it down and accept your fate
Close your eyes and close the gate
Close the gate on the house you can't escape

I've got the news today
She packed her bags and moved away
Just wish I had the words to say
I just can't face another day
I look around and they're all gone
Just best to leave it in a song
I left my heart back home with you
The thought of sorrys overdue
But I'm hell bound
I'm hell bound
Lord help now
I'm hell bound
Another night I'm losing sleep
Too scared awake I'm on the brink
Another drink and its all gone
I hear your voice and I'm alone
The final time ive lost it all
And now im bleeding out the loss
If i could make things right again
I swear that I'll be at my end
But I'm hell bound
I'm hell bound
Lord help now
I'm hell bound

With Closed eyes and a grim face
Imposed lies paint a dim place
Dark and hollow with nothing around
Go ahead and scream you'll never be found
Keep going further down to your dismay
This ***** just beginning for sure it's just may
Etch up a symbol a portrait of hope
Catch up be nimble, forget about the *****
Hear the voices screaming in the night
Wake up you're dreaming, but everything's not alright
Blur out her memory one drink should do
Slur down what went wrong better yet make it two
Dig deeper into a false sense of relief
Tell yourself it didn't happen, I mean it's your own belief
Go on another liquor drenched ******
Talking to shadows, trying not to remember
You said you loved her, when was that? December.
4 years is a long time to be near
4 beers is a song, a chime to be clear
A melody to sooth and erase
But still you find yourself leading this chase?
**** if only you could forget her face
Close your eyes and drift off into sadness
Hearing the voices call in the madness
Still you'll sit just all alone
This darkness now is your "humble abode"
With no way out you soon decide
Contemplating the thought of suicide
The reality of all that was lost
All comes clear but at what cost
Now all thoughts and ambitions are tossed
Trapped in the dim dark place you come to know
You'll never get out you'll never just go
To forget her would be the key
To forget her is the lesson you see
There's no fixing or mending
No wishing or commending
It's just you and your thoughts in the dim to be

Shaking hands with warm embrace
Quaking words torn to erase
Doesn't just go away does it?
Just to know you say it does it?
With a gun to your head and them in your heart
You refuse to leave bed bc why even start
Just go to sleep at least there it's ok
That's just what you say isn't it?
A joke with no laugh I guess
Just a poke with a staff to that I digress
Becoming more convinced that you're ill
Short comings more intense almost surreal
Stop talking just to keep the silence
You stop walking just to sleep in the violence
Been drowning with no way to swim
Always frowning feeling so grimm
Someone else has them now it's over
Good for you take a bow you're sober
Why even push to be?
Why even push to see?
What's the achievement?
All it is is personal deceivement
This is who you are
This is who you are
Go back to your home
Go back to the bar

lights burn bright filling skies of grey
tonights the night that lies play
sickening and woahing an audience of one
burning a fire glowing for none
wrecking lives with plans they say to follow
tonight is the night lets pray for tomorrow
tonights the night that lies will play
some will leave you othrs will stay
burning down your statue with flames of dismay
tongues twisting lies set out to win
as young misting tides let us soak up the sin
tonights the night lies will play
tonights the night that sinners pray
forgiveness and salvation
for the ****** across the nation
yes tonights the night that lies will play
tonights the night what do you say

depression is my only confession my lord
I live a life of a sinner no saint
I am no winner but a loser so faint
I see my demons oh lord they're dressed in black
I see my demons oh lord they're calling me back
they see the splattered ink of my lies
they hear the shattered winks of my cries
I write the profanity streamed by conviction
but fueled but fueled by the insanity of an addicts addiction
not sane but not well
I say in vein I have seen hell
oh lord lead me not into temptation
for I am begging for salvation
its not just violence in the back of my site that gives fear
it's the silence in black and white that signals the end is near
no words to be spoken
I see now the line has been broken
I go now to sin again
I go now to begin the fin
lying back watching darkness unfold
nothing but silence I pray that words Ive been told
though I walk alone in the valley with the shadow of death
I pray not to take it this my last breath

being up or being down
should I swim or should I drown
demons a tailor and I have lost ties
demons a sailor and I have crossed lies
starry eyed wide a tumble
but isn't it to be true that's so humble
think it over pour my courage
I sink not sober is my porridge
flashes of lights like dreams less trying
clashed in the night dreamless I'm dying
take a step maybe a hobble
I wonder what if I was a bobble
a toss up for chance but dropped
a floss up a glace but flopped
conflicting actions with no remorse
just sifting fractions with in this course
no stop signs no lights left to flicker
no white lines no fights left to bicker
still so numb
and yet so undone
curled up alone in a ball of loss
all thoughts hurled up hear a call gosh
no writing or sense to be maid
I'm just subsiding not getting paid
pass out the nights been over
wake up do it again sober

why cant you understand
cant you see the shake in my hand
just leave and let me be ******
mentally I'm broken
physically I'm unspoken
this is hard to handle
I promise its no scandal
seas turn black where skys end
keys turn back the lies mend
all in all its a waste of time
just let me silent a mime
sew me up and tie me down
show me abrupt and cry for me drown
let your tears fall but don't be a weeze
let my fears call it won't be oh geeze
its scary everyday
its scary everyway
just want ot turn back the time
**** it all pause this for a dime
I know that I'm sick
skins just too thick
she left me now still a falsetto
I wish this feeling was just a placebo
paused the write to rethink the act
caused the fight to unsink the cracked
ship wrecked no anchor
hip checked no banker
just falling down
down
down
down
starting to drown
drown
drown
drown

I don't know why my mind does this stuff
I guess I can take it though gotta be tough
when will it stop
I mean really though when am I gonna just drop
I am the thesis of her sadness
jesus, just stop the madness
another night sitting alone
another fight my temper was blown
I guess I flipped and just tweaked
I guess It just slipped emotions peaked
calm still not keeping the cool
drawn thrill shes sleeping for school
I guess its a tempo thing
or maybe a "then go" thing
almost midnight still not sure exactly what this is
almost mid fight she said your exactly what caused this
I mean why let it cut in so deep
just leave why lose all that sleep
right?
wanting to drink
instead just sitting to think
maybe I can just blink and it'll be over
restart find some luck yeah lol a clover
a horse shoe maybe an oracle
naw just setting out looking for a miracle
its like the same thing here and there
a name thing not a hear it here heard it there
maybe shes right
maybe I should just catch a flight
out the door and onto the street
who knows the people I could meet
drunk and clueless its bound to be neat
then again why surrender to the hostility  
like why render to the thought of prosperity
probably wont sleep typical night
my thoughts up all night basically a fight
so I write and complain
maybe i'll kick something up to take in vein
just go for a walk
then we can talk maybe
I guess i'll do that that's what they say in therapy

from a boy of bliss
to a joy to miss
regret and shame
mixed with a name
the prices low but the chips high
the crisis shows but the lips lie
it'll be ok a deep pool of uncertainty
it'll be today a beep a toll of serenity
close your eyes and wait for closure
open your thighs and take the exposure
metaphoric and diabolic
feel it in and let it go
real it in and let them know
everyday it gets worse
everyday hoping for a hearse
god why have you given me this curse?
no way to express the feelings of doubt
no way to impress the dealings I shout
I hate this I want it to stop
I hate this I want it to stop
crack a bottle and reminisce
think about the times when it was all fixed
a picture now broken
inside a house now woken by ashes
trying to sleep the image clashes
choices in a blurred sight of abuse
the voices just tying the noose
breath, another drink
believe don't just sit and think
she didn't mean it she doesn't go
she could clean it and make it glow
15 years and still in sorrow
another drink and it will be tomorrow
of the things that happened I can never speak
tolerance this month is at its peak
drinking to drown the mental illness
shrinking to crown the intentional shrillness
you win take your lap
you sin just to clap
applaud the horrid things scaring a life while
abroad the morbid things caring for a lifestyle
I'm done no sense to ramble
wish it wasn't my life you **ed up with a gamble
© 2 minutes ago, bob   adult poems

no I can't write but I do it tonight to drown out these emotions that keep coming to light
trapped in my thoughts its always a fight
dark and confused locked out im always abused
not the accused but always the  liar
praying to god please lift me up higher
im not looking for drugs im not looking for ***
im just looking for hugs or someone to text
drowning in pain always feeling the shame
my emotions are nameless but always the same
stuck in my ways with nowhere to go
im ****** up a daze with nothing to show
please pull the trigger im ready to blow
one more down six more to know
i scream but its silent
i dream and its violent
no sleep here for this guy hes waving adios
sometimes i wish i could just be comatos
no more to feel no more to see
**** probably better if you ask me
almost near four she'll be home soon
numbing the pain creating a loom
she takes the hurt and makes it stop
so thankful i am to my knees i should drop
being alone isnt so tasteful
shaking at home its just so discraceful
fighting the urge and wanting to drink
instead i sit down and write as i think
not sure what i say or to who i know how
afterwards mentally i take a bow
letting it out in writing abroad
when she gets home i can sit down awed
feeling less and hoping more
i can do this i feel sure
just another day without a bottle
my mind going crazy near full throttle
soon it will end thanks to my wife
shes the reason i dont take my own life

fourteen days doesnt seem like much
at least not to someone whos never had the touch
never felt the pain of loss or surrenidy through  themselves not another
never delt the shame or inevidability threw themselves down without a mother
it hurts but theres a way to the end they tell you
it hurts but theres another day to spend and embell you
you dont need this you need to stop
you dont bleed this you need to stop
this isnt you it isnt who you are
just shut up and get in the car
another day hiding in the shadow knowing they see you hurt
no other way subsiding in the shallow glowing in the sea you burnt
another night another thought it'll stop it'll die
yeah another  travesty another lie
out again to chase the "dream" in the hours
in doubt again erase the dream im in dowers
slurring and swirving drowning in perfection
blurring the deserving and frowning at the reflection
abe to see it but not abe to know it is pain
sitting alone to remanice in the rain
i hurt her i couldve killed her
if it werent her i wouldve killed in a blur
shaking with the pain another drink down the hatch
quaking in shame another brink of the patch
yeah right another glimpse of the light i can get out
soon locked away with no way out
theres more i may never say
yeah fourteen days isnt much
fourteen days is no pride especially for somone who lied
fourteen days is where i am and its where i will be id like to think
i pray to "god" not to pick up another drink