Imagine apologizing for all the ways you were never enough.
Knowing you would never be forgiven.
Imagine the torture.
Imagine the curse.

Having a boy love you.
Wondering when he would tell you it was a lie.
Imagine how the sweetness would make you cry.
Imagine never knowing.

What kind of a life is that?

Consider the blood of people trying to touch.
Consider the cruelty of being different.
Consider the confusion.

Consider everything not said.
Paper airplanes that fly through the air for mere seconds.
Consider people’s hopes.

Consider your heart beating inches from mine.
Consider truth. Consider truth.
Consider what could be between two people. Shudder.

Consider the distance.
Consider the barricades, challenges.
Consider the fear.

Imagine mapping a way
through the heart.

If you remember how it felt
to dream of her at night, then you remember me -
The love you lost and couldn't keep.
The first time you looked into her eyes
and realized you were happy;
to the girl you thought you would marry.

Do you remember how it felt
to have her near, not yours to touch
Do you remember feeling everything so much?
Because first love is always an only.

If you remember how it felt to cry at night,
then you remember me.
You thought nothing could ever hurt you
that deeply. Your heart so brave and clumsy,
so sorry for itself. You belonged to someone else.

And yet look back and remember,
that girl made you less scared. You took risks
and you learned, and you grew,
and it hurt; it was the first -
the love you lost and couldn't forget.

The girl who went and changed
everything, the light of your world,
the love that made you believe
in heaven, 'cause she was an angel on earth

Though in the end she saw you
as nothing more than a friend,
you loved once, and you will love again.

I promise the world isn’t as big as you think; there’s a safe place almost everywhere you go. And if you need to drop anchor, I would be the happiest shore. The sea doesn’t need anymore of your tears, but I would be happy to catch them, in the fabric of my cotton shirt, holding you against me. I love you and I want you to be okay. *Please always know that you can come home.

You are a continental force. You are something to be reckoned with. You are a wild thing. You are a dust storm, made of the ashes after all that’s been said and done. You are a valley of regrets that has learned to laugh.  You are what rose from everything that’s fallen. You were not meant to be left alone.

My darling,
For 2016:

1.)  I hope you know you have nothing to prove.
2.)  Please stop wanting to end life early. Every sunrise is made for you. Realize that every night the moon kisses you good night and the stars ask that you choose to stay.
3.)  I hope you find time to be more grateful.
4.)  I hope the world surprises you with beautiful things in return. I hope what is normal never becomes boring to you, and you always see things with a sense of wonder. I hope you still believe in magic.
5.)  If it’s past midnight and you’re still awake for no reason, go to sleep. Rest. Clear your head. You will have more strength tomorrow.
6.)  Stop hiding behind your sadness. Wipe your tears, let it go. Learn how to be alone without hurting.
7.)  Learn to actually be there for people. You will be amazed how good real companionship feels. Believe me, you don’t appreciate your friends enough. Show them. Share your life with them. Be happy together.
8.)  Cherish that guy. He loves you; stop doubting it. Be there for him, not because he needs you, but because that’s where you want to be. Protect each other.
9.)  I think you already know who you are, deep inside. And it’s not how you think of yourself on a bad day; it’s not how greatly others think of you. You’re confused now but you’re trying. One day you will be greater than all of this, and you won’t even realize it.
10.)  I hope this is the year you become everything you want to be, but with a heart like yours, you will always want more: to do more good in the world; to be better, kinder; love deeper, love truly. Despite your struggle, I hope you realize you’re already all you must be.
11.)  Continue to live in the best way you know how.

'I think I am fine' — repeat as you grow surer and surer.

1.) That the world will not end.
2.) That you will be laughing, if it does.
3.) That you are indeed fine,

even if you are weeping, even if you are sure the inky black sky is about to fall through; this is not the house you grew up in, here are not your parents, and this time you can take care of yourself. Start with empty lungs in an empty bedroom and shaky breaths. Start with uncertain footsteps. I told you, that is not the earth shaking. Not today. Instead, what if i said it was something new growing inside you?  Something green, something leafy. rearranging your insides, finding space. Let the air in, let it rattle your caged heart like a breeze will tussle with an open window. Pause. This is breathing. Next is laughing. Back to crying... but without the shrieks. Start with quickly getting up and move on to slowly getting better. Start with a splash of water, your toes on the sand on the beach again. Touch your tears that taste like saltwater. I am going to be fine, I know. Tomorrow I will be me again (the me i wanna be). Tomorrow. A day in a string of neverending tomorrows.

I

And I don't know what they mean,
by not falling at your feet,
and kissing your wounds
every time, with apologies.

You learned
to run until your legs give,
and they never do.
You're still running.

I've watched you

pick yourself up,
dust yourself off,
and sigh, enough times.
It's just another scratch.

The world can't break you until
it does. God knows
they've had enough chances.

God knows you've been waiting.


II**

You're hardened;
you expect nothing, await
only one thing.

Come out of fights,
doubled up but breathing.

You don't know why your bones
don't break, just as easily
as promises have.

When was the last time
you were offered a hand?
When you stopped looking into
people's eyes

knowing you weren't going to find anything
There's nothing for you here.

And maybe every wound,
brings you that much closer
to leaving.