Your hands grasp but can't hold,
As I continuously cling on to any shred of hope
Despite what I'm told.

Your frequent departure
Has become routine,
When you board your flight,
I remind myself that it can't possibly be me.

My hands grasp, and they reach
Toward your place, your things,
and some type of consistency.

What a thing it would be
If someone kept track
Of the times I've felt in need.

What a thing it would be
If I could remind myself
that the only person I need is me.

Because your hands can't seem
To recognize me,
Even if I'm inches away
In your bed,
Yards away from a light's beam.

Your hands grasp but they can't hold.
Even when my hands is in yours,
It doesn't change the way our story unfolds.

The readers must be getting bored,
Because each chapter ends the same,
Each chapter beings with your same
Lead being the one I follow and go toward.

But no, the angle must change,
I need not your lies, or broken promise,
I need not the pain.

But we know how the story goes,
You'll be back in a few mornings,
And the redundancy continues to unfold.

Because my hands they can hold on,
They can hold on and on and on.

Every month
I am reminded of my fertility.
And while I feel physical pain,
I realize that of my emotions is
In the same vicinity.

I want my unborn child to know
That this life... Is like a funny show.
That while I'm unsure of what
She'll look like or he'll look like,
They come automatically into
A world that beyond their control
Will feel warlike.

That their future friends who bear
A darker skin complexion
Unfairly face the utmost rejection.
That their future friends
Who love the same gender
Get judged on their decisions
On who they love and if they happen
To be transgender.

But I want my child to know,
That this judgement and hate
Will always be up for debate
That when she finds her voice
Or when he finds her voice
It's to be shared with those
Without one because of personal choice.

I want my child to know that their pride
Is to be extended, wide, and
As far is it can go.
That when they witness injustice
They'll be expected to instinctually say no.
That these differences America
Still can't accept
Are the differences that
Bring beauty in every corner
And every aspect.

My children will know of the people
Who have bloomed in the midst
Of hatred and doom,
That the grass is not always greener
And that just when they thought they've Seen it all,
There will always be people who are meaner.
But I want my children to know of love,
Unconditional love,
Of acceptance,
Of hope,
Of being anti-weapon.
I want my children to bloom,
Because as their mother was expected to,
She faced the challenge of doing so,
In a world that depicted doom.

I wrote, but you never read what I had to say.
I kept track of it all, and you couldn't even
Track the day.
I laid in your bed, and I don't
Think you ever listened to a word that I said.

I wanted the world,
When you could only offer words.
I offered everything I possibly could,
And you never believed that beyond
Physical connection, anything
Between us could ever occur.

I held on to you,
While the reality of it all was that
I filled pieces of your voids
While you painted my entire sky blue.

I think my favorite
Is when I can feel
You so close.
No meter of distance,
Or second of time,
Cause in this moment...
I'm yours, and you're mine.

Or maybe it's when
I feel so content because
your opinions are still heard,
and you never made the decision and left.

When there's a promise of tomorrow,
The following day, and the next.
But no matter how tightly I
Close my eyes, or seep into my bed,
The next morning, I'll wake up
And be reminded that you left.

A low point,
I've been warned of the possibility.
When you came into my life
I thought you easily
Transformed any possible low point
Into inevitability.

I'm beneath the sea,
My lungs flooded,
And my mind overflowing
With wondering why you
Never wanted me.

I try to see the world with my eyes wide
Open, and these days
I find myself lost when my body
Is out in the open.

Somehow, someway,
In the mix of consistency, lust
And hope
I wasn't enough for you
To believe we'd ever be okay.

Your absence and departure
Didn't fully break me,
It chipped away at my inner being.
Things were spiraling so you just
Made everything so much harder.

No one gets it,
I don't expect them to,
In the mix of their lives, their
Needs and wants,
They know what to say,
They know how to make
Their people stay.

A low point, a cautious
Warning, that becomes reality
Unexpectedly, with harsh tips and
No sense of heart warming.
I can't breathe anymore...
And you left... but despite the pain
In my stomach and soul,
Sometimes I find myself feeling
Alive... because
All of the heart break and all the lies,
Reminds me that I'm older
And somewhat wise.
And that beyond the absence of happiness
And your consistent departure,
Going through it now
Won't make the rest of
My life much harder.
I don't know what to say
I don't know how to make it better
But if there's a God,
Or some higher power,
Beyond it all I have to believe that I'll be okay.

2 days
Of internal despair,
My lungs seemed to
Have forgotten what it is
To breathe.

My body isn't mine anymore,
I'm stuck in it,
My mind racing with thoughts
Of the night you tried
To make me yours.

Never have I been able to
Truly overwhelm
Over songs that narrate
Stories I never thought
I'd have to tell.

My bed never felt so empty,
I've never felt so hopeless
Over humanity.

So when I sit and see
The horizon,
It's as if the waves
Wash away the lies within.
When the below temperature water
Washes over my feet,
It's in those few seconds
That I begin to feel like me.

Me.

The one who kept hope
Despite her father's constant "no."
The one with veins profound in color
And in the words that seep out of them.

My second day of
Internal despair,
And as I waked upon pink sea **** so rare,
I inhaled salt water...
And for the first time in days,
My lungs remember air.

I came to terms with the fact that
You're never coming back.
So when I sit in my car alone
And smell you
I can't bear the unknown.

I did everything I could
And told myself
Beyond everything
That you understood.

So that night I never heard from you
And that night you didn't
Look at me
I did everything in my power
To tell myself that there was never
An us of ours.

I can't listen to certain songs anymore
And that feeling of being unwanted
Is like never before,
And sleep used to be my escape
But now the darkness I see
Is like the darkness I saw in your room
So no matter where I go
Or what I do
I'm always followed by
The thought of you.

I breathe you,
I remember you,
I smell you,
Its beyond me why I still sweat you.

But I did everything..
I did everything.
I did everything I could,
And beyond it all,
I always told myself you understood.