Once, on vacation, my friend and I journaled about
Where we saw ourselves 5 years from then.
I didn't think once of you.
Or him either.

I envisioned wooden floors,
A single toothbrush,
My mug collection
And a King size bed that
Only my body lies on.

My closet filled with button downs,
And in the back of it,
A box with the
Burnt matches that
Ignited every pain
In my young adult-hood.

I end up getting a dog,
Because they're
Guaranteed to be loyal,
And because sometimes its
Scary living alone in a big city.

My journals are filled with stories
Of failure
Pages of declarations
Of frustration and of hope.

My window sill a comfortable seat
Because every morning I make sure
To see the sky
To remind myself that the world is mine.
That I am mine.

My body and soul
Ache, but just a little,
Not as much as it does now.

My tattoos as meaningful as ever
My truths as prevalent.

For once in my life,
Perceptions others have of me
Became irrelevant.

On my table there's flowers,
Flowers from the shop down the street,
Singlehandedly picked by me.

An ashtray I made in a week-long art class,
A movie collection
Because it makes me feel okay
For any lack of affection.

I envision myself unapologetic,
A trait I finally mastered
And maybe i'm not too ******* myself
Maybe I finally got it together.

5 years from then,
I'm not thinking of you,
Or him.
Freedom is a concept I finally
Learned,
After years of unsaid emotion,
I got the life of pleasant solitude I
So rightfully earned.

Life.
a compilation of -
circumstance,
action, feelings
and understanding.

What if this is all so temporal,
that the mere idea of,
losing sleep
over something, beyond control,
translates into,
A fear toward lost time?

Your hands grasp but can't hold,
As I continuously cling on to any shred of hope
Despite what I'm told.

Your frequent departure
Has become routine,
When you board your flight,
I remind myself that it can't possibly be me.

My hands grasp, and they reach
Toward your place, your things,
and some type of consistency.

What a thing it would be
If someone kept track
Of the times I've felt in need.

What a thing it would be
If I could remind myself
that the only person I need is me.

Because your hands can't seem
To recognize me,
Even if I'm inches away
In your bed,
Yards away from a light's beam.

Your hands grasp but they can't hold.
Even when my hands is in yours,
It doesn't change the way our story unfolds.

The readers must be getting bored,
Because each chapter ends the same,
Each chapter beings with your same
Lead being the one I follow and go toward.

But no, the angle must change,
I need not your lies, or broken promise,
I need not the pain.

But we know how the story goes,
You'll be back in a few mornings,
And the redundancy continues to unfold.

Because my hands they can hold on,
They can hold on and on and on.

Your bedroom was small
But it held big dreams of mine

I should've known that first night
When you kissed me all too boldly
That what we had would unravel
So coldly

I should've known after 2 days of not hearing from you
All my visions and aspirations with you
Were ultimately untrue.

Your bedroom was small;
4 walls,
But each of them wide enough
To grip me at your calling

I should've known when you
Didn't say hi to me at the party
It wasn't me... it wasn't us,
It was always you.

I should've known
Each I miss you wasn't an "i miss you,"
it was a you missed what I did for you

Your bedroom was dark each time
I laid in it,
In literature class they don't teach you
That foreshadows happens in real life,
In my living room, my mother never warned me about the boy who
Would hold me with no intention of
Making me his wife...y

I should've listened when you told me
You weren't ready,
I shouldn't have italicized and highlighted
Your excuses as acceptable
When all you wanted
Was for my endless desires to be quieted
Because to you a label was unacceptable.

I should've known that a
Second chance,
Shouldn't be granted
To boys who selfishly grasp
At my vulnerability
When it comes to romance

I should've never written poems
Asking myself what it was that
Made you deem me unworthy
I should've realized
After relapse 2 and 3 and 4
That your words would always be
Untrustworthy.

Your bedroom is small,
It can no longer hold me,
Its walls thinned out.
Perhaps my dreams are too wide
Or perhaps I've finally
Found my pride.

When trust was a thing
I'd report my day
Starting off with my busy morning.

When trust was a thing
I'd share any little story
Without a second thought.

The thing about betrayal is that
All in all,
It sticks with you

Causing hesitation
And distrust to be a newfound fixation.

Months will go by, and still
That memory of disloyalty
swarms in like an annoying fly.

Those walls that were broken down
Are repaired

And all of a sudden your stories and day
Are no longer shared.

When trust was a thing
My excitement was high,
My door was ajar  
Letting anyone in

When trust was a thing
I'd report my day
Starting off with my busy morning.

But you see,
The thing about betrayal,
Is that it's everything that it seems.

All in all, it sticks with you without a fail.

18 years have gone by
A loving family by your side
And that's as I right this tonight.

So why is it that you remain
feeling like what they believe
Is how you should be perceived?

My birthday wish for you is not that
You get a car for your freshman year,
It's not that he'll tell you all the things you
Want to hear... Well maybe that's part of it
Because you and I both know
You deserve a lot of it.

I want you to believe in yourself wholly
And treat your body like it is... Holy.
I want you to let the value of yourself
Be so heavy that whether he stays
Or not doesn't leave your heart
Feeling so heavy.  

For the clouds to subside,
For the sky to be blue,
For the person you love
To firstly be you.

I wrote, but you never read what I had to say.
I kept track of it all, and you couldn't even
Track the day.
I laid in your bed, and I don't
Think you ever listened to a word that I said.

I wanted the world,
When you could only offer words.
I offered everything I possibly could,
And you never believed that beyond
Physical connection, anything
Between us could ever occur.

I held on to you,
While the reality of it all was that
I filled pieces of your voids
While you painted my entire sky blue.

Your warmth came at a time
In which I needed it most
But all you ever cared about
Was the curl of my toes.

I told you about my insecurities
And how you had a habit of making me weak
But all you ever wanted
Was for me to get down on my knees.

At first you were all about
Making me smile, and trying to
Spit game,
But that ended so quickly
And you were quick to put the blame.

That night at your house
I wasn't nervous on my end
I remember your line up crisp,
Looking like nothing but a ten.

You let me lay next to you,
The space between us small,
You knew the closer I got
The more that I would fall.

But I wasn't that naive...
No, not me.
To believe we'd ever get anywhere
Would be like a rerun of
Freshman year me.

You made it seem like you cared
Asking me questions on questions
Your sentences elaborate and
Charismatic.

You.
Responding to every messages
Within the same hour,
Knowing that continuing things
Gave you more power.

Clearly I was into you
Clearly I wanted something new
But clearly wasn't enough
To make you see us through.

His sheets are now marked
As her territory,
A territory that'll only be conquered
For the night.

In the morning,
There will be fussing because
When the sun rises, so do the questions
Of Reality;
The statements of cynicism and lies.

She'll try to maintain her place.. With
His body on hers,
Not an inch seen of personal space;
Ready to claim what is now hers
As His.

Her justifications
Her pleading eyes
Her lips drenched with temptation
His mind racing wanting to get the deed
Signed in the upmost speed of time
Her hesitation warming her up all the more
But he doesn't care because he's
Conquered and reconquered
Many bodies of land before.

You opened your sun roof,
It'd been hours
Your arm around me,
No man-made move.

We started at the stars,
You let out your thoughts
And I couldn't believe who you'd become,
Who you are.

You'll never be mine,
I will never be yours
But in that moment
I wanted a little more.

As time progressed
And the stars dimmed
I laid my seat back
And let you do the rest.

The music playing
Got lower
And as your lips found mine
I'd forgotten everything we'd been saying.
Time had paused,
We were back to that time when we were
Kids
and the stars soared.

No truth in the air,
Your hands on my hips
No internal despair.

18, 19.
The stars are out
And the boy I once saw,
Once wanted
Is finally seen.

But the sun will come up,
And the sun roof will close
And time will resume
And we will never again be as close.

Your side of the bed remains empty
And the TV bill is at an all time low.
I walk around
My chest heavy
Trying to avoid anything
That brings back your memory.

Your favorite painting is still crooked on the wall
Due to the last time we danced and made everything fall.

The dog wants nothing to do with me
And I miss the voice that swept me off my feet.

I haven't written in days
And I miss you in more ways ....

Than 1.

2 days ago I woke up past noon,
I checked my phone,
And no messages were received

I remember waking up to 3 from you once
Complaining about how you forgot your keys.

I know your leaving was done with such certainty
And I know she's everything I'm not
And does anything you please.

My mom said she saw your wedding invitation on Facebook
Last week, said she messaged you and you remain so sweet.

I'm chained to the everlasting memory of you,
And all those times I told you I'd die 4 you.

I'm in bed by 5
And look out at the moon
I wonder if she's ever told you
She'd die for you too.

I think my favorite
Is when I can feel
You so close.
No meter of distance,
Or second of time,
Cause in this moment...
I'm yours, and you're mine.

Or maybe it's when
I feel so content because
your opinions are still heard,
and you never made the decision and left.

When there's a promise of tomorrow,
The following day, and the next.
But no matter how tightly I
Close my eyes, or seep into my bed,
The next morning, I'll wake up
And be reminded that you left.

last night your kisses
made the moon brighter
we'd smoked before
but inhaling you
made me higher.

i went back to my empty apartment
dreamed of you real sweet

but i know better
than to text you
and wish you the
most decent day

i wanna believe in the concept
"ask and it is given"
but i know better
than to expect you to stay

A low point,
I've been warned of the possibility.
When you came into my life
I thought you easily
Transformed any possible low point
Into inevitability.

I'm beneath the sea,
My lungs flooded,
And my mind overflowing
With wondering why you
Never wanted me.

I try to see the world with my eyes wide
Open, and these days
I find myself lost when my body
Is out in the open.

Somehow, someway,
In the mix of consistency, lust
And hope
I wasn't enough for you
To believe we'd ever be okay.

Your absence and departure
Didn't fully break me,
It chipped away at my inner being.
Things were spiraling so you just
Made everything so much harder.

No one gets it,
I don't expect them to,
In the mix of their lives, their
Needs and wants,
They know what to say,
They know how to make
Their people stay.

A low point, a cautious
Warning, that becomes reality
Unexpectedly, with harsh tips and
No sense of heart warming.
I can't breathe anymore...
And you left... but despite the pain
In my stomach and soul,
Sometimes I find myself feeling
Alive... because
All of the heart break and all the lies,
Reminds me that I'm older
And somewhat wise.
And that beyond the absence of happiness
And your consistent departure,
Going through it now
Won't make the rest of
My life much harder.
I don't know what to say
I don't know how to make it better
But if there's a God,
Or some higher power,
Beyond it all I have to believe that I'll be okay.

She laid there,
Her head on your chest.
You inhaled her heavenly
Scent, pondering all the was you could
Make her wet.

She was amazed by the moon,
And when she wrote you
Paragraphs, you cringed,
Believing her feelings
Arrived too soon.

She prayed you two would
Be somebody,
You hoped you get to
Kiss every inch of her body.

She sees you and sees the world,
She stays hopeful
And you stick by your hormones.

She keeps you up, explaining
Why love is never fair.
You keep your eyes shut and
Keep your fingers in her hair.

She opened up to you just
Like you expected and
When you pulled her pants
Down, you didn't keep in mind
How much her feelings
Would be affected.

She kissed you goodbye that
First night, and you promised her
She was the only one in your sight.

She hoped on you two
Wanting everything to do
With you.

She laid her head on your chest,
Thinking you as different than the rest.
She held on tight to your hand, as you
Thought up endless ways
To make her wet.

The air smells like you
Like a bottle of givenchy
Cologne, except brand new.

Like the thought of me and you,
The thought of something actually being true.

I think back on that afternoon
Where we downed that whole
Bottle of cognac.

When you said the three words,
Your pronunciation so exact.

You saw all of me that day
And I admired all of your
Charismatic ways.

The lights were kept off
And I took in every bit of your
Neatly kept loft.

You'd said that I was the only
Girl you brought to your home
And for the first time,
I didn't feel alone.

And I remember all of what you said,
Every syllable, every vowel I clung on to,
Cause I always think back on that afternoon,
Praying that for the first time
What we have is actually true.

The air reeks of desperation,
Desire for happiness
Desire for the bodies of one another.

This will probably take a solid 15 minutes
Or so, and then after that
You'll tell me it's time for me to go.

Your ex did a number on you
And that boy I swore could've loved me
Did a number on me too.

I know my place
And make sure emotions
Dont get in the way
Unless it's lust
Or the constant wanting
Of your body pressed against
Mines.

I still make sure your fine
But you do the opposite
And though I already knew
It makes me certain we aren't a fit.

Sometimes I come to our spot
Without you
And I sit alone,
Which is no different than when I'm
With you.

I just remind myself that
It's strictly physical,
Any type of relationship beyond that
Is purely mythical.

I don't know if i should blame
My zodiac
For sometimes not keeping
my emotions in tact.

Your aggression drives me
Out of my depression
But I think it's also how you let out yours.
And when you ask for one last kiss
I think you mean
To leave me wanting more
And I do, I do I do.
But while I do have you
I know I can't have you.

bring me in
brutal honesty
I want to feel you fingertips
all over me and under me.

make my hair come undone,
true intentions
my clothes all on your ground.

breathless
and mesmerized
I want small things about you
to become big things in this world of mine.

the way you taste
and the sounds you bring forth,
it won't go unremembered the reason
we're here for.

I can't look at the sky
I can't stare at the waves
Is happiness being by your side though
Knowing that i'll be gone in the morning
This love continuing to be unsaved

I want my eyes to forget your
Existence
I want my heart to forget
That I hadn't felt this whole
Ever since.

My lips can meet new ones
I can touch other faces
I can feel the enchanting heat of the sun,
But the thoughts of you remain
Without waste.

You remain
In fragments of my life
Even if it comes with a side of pain

The sky used to keep me sane
Until it's inconsistent patterns
Screamed your name

The waves used to be my muse
Until its source of joy in my life
Reminded me that in yours
I am not and am only of
Temporary use.

If you asked me a year ago I would've told
You that meeting him was as accurate
As there being a second planet earth.

I would've told you all about
How much I doubted my worth.

Presented you with elaborate detail
On my fathers affair
My views on life
And why love is never fair.

A year ago you would've found me wrapped up
In the lies I'd been told
Came across the girl who's
Heart was once warm
And thus turned cold.

Who I was then
Is not who I am now

Because when I wake up
I'm no longer alone
I finally started picking up my phone.

You'll come across the girl from years ago
Sher underwent a recovery
Like never before.

Aided by his touch
And healed by his love
She became his priority
Knowing her healing was a must.

So now if you look
I'll be in his arms
Curled up in this newfound love

A kiss goodbye at the door,
Streetlights on,
I’ve never been anyone’s

But

I am trying not to think of
How much I want you to see the world
The way you look ahead as you
Get deeper in conversation

I don’t want to remember the
Laughs in between
Or that one time you told me
You didn’t want to mislead me

I don’t want to think about
How I am listening to The Smiths
And writing this

I try to not get lost in thought
But we both know I do

I want to believe not wanting me
Has more to do with you

I don’t want to remember
How easily comfortable I got
Every time in your front seat

I don’t want to know,
More than anyone,
How bad you are for me
And how much goodness I
Choose to see in you

I hate texting my best friend
And telling her “I know, I know, I’m stupid”
Hate this battle only I’m fighting

The one where I force myself
To where you’re standing
Where I tell myself
I’m standing with you
Even though it means
I want to stand with you longer
Than you’d like

I want more than anything
To not notice how you don’t
Touch me after getting off of me

I want more than anything
To prove I can do the same

I can’t bear the thought
Of this cycle repeating itself
But you say the words
And I’m there

Letting go probably isn’t as hard
As people make it out to be
It’s not like you’d grab on to my hand
To keep me

I don’t wanna think about
How it’s my fault we’re here
Because I’m the one who reached out
Because I’m the one who let you
Kiss me on the mouth

I want to share the same joint
But not get high off you anymore
I want it both ways
I want it to be me this works out more for

Want it to be you who thinks of me,
To be the reason you get deep in thought
But we both know I’m not
And I know you won’t

I want to believe not wanting me
Has more to do with you
But we both know I don’t

2 days
Of internal despair,
My lungs seemed to
Have forgotten what it is
To breathe.

My body isn't mine anymore,
I'm stuck in it,
My mind racing with thoughts
Of the night you tried
To make me yours.

Never have I been able to
Truly overwhelm
Over songs that narrate
Stories I never thought
I'd have to tell.

My bed never felt so empty,
I've never felt so hopeless
Over humanity.

So when I sit and see
The horizon,
It's as if the waves
Wash away the lies within.
When the below temperature water
Washes over my feet,
It's in those few seconds
That I begin to feel like me.

Me.

The one who kept hope
Despite her father's constant "no."
The one with veins profound in color
And in the words that seep out of them.

My second day of
Internal despair,
And as I waked upon pink sea **** so rare,
I inhaled salt water...
And for the first time in days,
My lungs remember air.

My grandmother always told me to not forget
To pray
When I lie down for the night,
And when I awake.

"Thank him," she says,
But what if I need to plead,
Like God, please point,
Please lead.

Lately my chest has been
Heavy, hurting
As if something's knocking and breaking in -
Maybe my anxiety trying to find a permanent home

How do you shut a door that flung itself open
Without your approval?
How do you properly thank God
When your words are no longer found easily out in the open?

"When you wake up, don't forget to thank Him," she'd say
And I'll never know
If it was my instinct to knock the conversation down
Or the desire within me when I'd nod my head sure
Knowing **** well that my first thoughts in the morning
Are always enveloped in being anxious and unsure.

I'm not saying I couldn't handle it,
But looking back, I should've
Thought it through
Because I knew what it was
When it came to
Me and you.

I could've offered you the stars
And you'd only want the moon.

Maybe I got too comfortable
Maybe you don't remember things as
I do.

I guess recollections can be romanticized,
Especially when connection can be identified,
When the basis of your argument was built on a simple lie.

I gifted you pieces of me,
And my heart clung onto you for free,
I held on for dear life
No matter the things people said to me.

You had me mesmerized,
Each time I left you with something
You didn't bother to keep memorized.

Every month
I am reminded of my fertility.
And while I feel physical pain,
I realize that of my emotions is
In the same vicinity.

I want my unborn child to know
That this life... Is like a funny show.
That while I'm unsure of what
She'll look like or he'll look like,
They come automatically into
A world that beyond their control
Will feel warlike.

That their future friends who bear
A darker skin complexion
Unfairly face the utmost rejection.
That their future friends
Who love the same gender
Get judged on their decisions
On who they love and if they happen
To be transgender.

But I want my child to know,
That this judgement and hate
Will always be up for debate
That when she finds her voice
Or when he finds her voice
It's to be shared with those
Without one because of personal choice.

I want my child to know that their pride
Is to be extended, wide, and
As far is it can go.
That when they witness injustice
They'll be expected to instinctually say no.
That these differences America
Still can't accept
Are the differences that
Bring beauty in every corner
And every aspect.

My children will know of the people
Who have bloomed in the midst
Of hatred and doom,
That the grass is not always greener
And that just when they thought they've Seen it all,
There will always be people who are meaner.
But I want my children to know of love,
Unconditional love,
Of acceptance,
Of hope,
Of being anti-weapon.
I want my children to bloom,
Because as their mother was expected to,
She faced the challenge of doing so,
In a world that depicted doom.

i can feel my hear beat
for you
drugs have gotten the best of me

laying in bed with you
is as lonely as my nights alone

its borderline
if not pathetic
how many times i pick up the phone

they say 'no answer is an answer'

but it isn't fair
your're so emotionless
so maybe
i'm not that hard to miss

there's a line in a song
that says
"broken hearts are made for two"
and it kinda reminded me of
me and you

i wonder if you
remember things
as vividly as i do

funny that it's always been
all about you from the start
i would've never responded
if I knew **** would get
this far gone
so far gone

cause i remember lying on your chest
listening to the rhythm of your heart,
but you'd never notice that – 

and that's what will always set us
apart

I came to terms with the fact that
You're never coming back.
So when I sit in my car alone
And smell you
I can't bear the unknown.

I did everything I could
And told myself
Beyond everything
That you understood.

So that night I never heard from you
And that night you didn't
Look at me
I did everything in my power
To tell myself that there was never
An us of ours.

I can't listen to certain songs anymore
And that feeling of being unwanted
Is like never before,
And sleep used to be my escape
But now the darkness I see
Is like the darkness I saw in your room
So no matter where I go
Or what I do
I'm always followed by
The thought of you.

I breathe you,
I remember you,
I smell you,
Its beyond me why I still sweat you.

But I did everything..
I did everything.
I did everything I could,
And beyond it all,
I always told myself you understood.

There were different pinks blues oranges and yellow,
Her feelings were depicted in the sky.

She remembered that time you counted off the stars
With her; the ones so neatly aligned.

She was as lost and mesmerized
As she was in your eyes..
The set with different blues and yellows
She hated to admit it but you had her at hello.

I saw departure first hand,
The ideas of love and staying
Slip out of my mother's
Soft and able hands.

Time and again,
I've worn my heart on my sleeve,
To only be reminded that
I can't trust men,
That I only got me.

Cynicism has found a
Home in my head,
Been denied entry in my heart,
Despite being realistic and cynical,
Every heart break and let down is
So ******* hard.

I be on to the next one,
Word to Jay-z,
Convincing myself and others
To not be mad at me,
Even though it's been known,
I'm worth more than some
Meaningless fun.

If only there was a handbook - a guide -
For people who choose to believe and then
Kick themselves down for mistaking words
For actions,
And being naive.

If only there were a handbook - a guide -
For people like me.
Who choose to believe,
And can't find the balance between that
And being naive.

You're like a speed bump
In the middle of a road
I want to continue going down.

One minute we're high and
The next you have me low.
I hold on to the times
In which you're kind
But sometimes, that's only
During the night.

I want to tell myself I could care less,
But the sad thing is I care most.
My constant frown is just me
Not wanting you to know
How down you make me.

I want to be the strong one,
I've always been the strong one,
But strong isn't constant hope
Over someone who's already
Told me no.

Strong isn't wanting someone
Who doesn't want to be wanted,
Or likes to be wanted but hides
In the mountains.

You're that cup of coffee I want
At noon,
And that cup of wine I want past two.

But I should run,
Because as much as I tell myself
You're not,
You're that speed bump
That makes me feel so high
But at the same time brings me to ask myself why?

how is it possible
that loneliness
follows me
the car can be full
and my soul so empty
i wish i could look past
things that are bigger than me
when people care less
when people can't see

contrary to social media based relief
this loneliness is something
that's always been in me

I'm done looking for love in all the wrong places,
I'm done withdrawing any evil from all the wrong faces.
Done telling myself this time it'll be different.
I no longer want to settle for 40 degree weather,
Telling myself it's warm enough,
Telling myself it's better.

I want to be held... Tightly
I want things to finally... Finally, go rightly.

When I tell myself that I'm done,
When I tell the world I'm no longer looking toward the sun,
I'm told I need to not beat myself up, not to be so down
I'm told I will only go up.

But I hate constant uncertainty,
I hate being mislead,
I hate wondering if it's me
That always makes them leave.

I try as hard as I can
To go back to those summer nights
When you were mine.

The cheap movie rentals play
And as you get up to leave
I beg you to stay.

It's been months since I last heard from you
I barely drink coffee anymore
'Cause it never is as fresh as the one
You'd brew.

All I have left is your unwashed tee
And the trail of polaroids you
Always took of me.

Sometimes your touch I still feel,
And then I realize it's 4:03 AM
And again, it was a dream and
Nothing real.

I close my eyes and think of you
And that time when you
Told me not to cry
And that
I was truly only mine.

I never believed you when you said
You'd leave
Cause it never seemed
Like you'd grown
Sick of me.

I try as hard as I can
To go back to those summer nights
When I was yours.
When you were mine.