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Ashlee Reyes Nov 22
A kiss goodbye at the door,
Streetlights on,
I’ve never been anyone’s


I am trying not to think of
How much I want you to see the world
The way you look ahead as you
Get deeper in conversation

I don’t want to remember the
Laughs in between
Or that one time you told me
You didn’t want to mislead me

I don’t want to think about
How I am listening to The Smiths
And writing this

I try to not get lost in thought
But we both know I do

I want to believe not wanting me
Has more to do with you

I don’t want to remember
How easily comfortable I got
Every time in your front seat

I don’t want to know,
More than anyone,
How bad you are for me
And how much goodness I
Choose to see in you

I hate texting my best friend
And telling her “I know, I know, I’m stupid”
Hate this battle only I’m fighting

The one where I force myself
To where you’re standing
Where I tell myself
I’m standing with you
Even though it means
I want to stand with you longer
Than you’d like

I want more than anything
To not notice how you don’t
Touch me after getting off of me

I want more than anything
To prove I can do the same

I can’t bear the thought
Of this cycle repeating itself
But you say the words
And I’m there

Letting go probably isn’t as hard
As people make it out to be
It’s not like you’d grab on to my hand
To keep me

I don’t wanna think about
How it’s my fault we’re here
Because I’m the one who reached out
Because I’m the one who let you
Kiss me on the mouth

I want to share the same joint
But not get high off you anymore
I want it both ways
I want it to be me this works out more for

Want it to be you who thinks of me,
To be the reason you get deep in thought
But we both know I’m not
And I know you won’t

I want to believe not wanting me
Has more to do with you
But we both know I don’t
Ashlee Reyes Sep 19
last night your kisses
made the moon brighter
we'd smoked before
but inhaling you
made me higher.

i went back to my empty apartment
dreamed of you real sweet

but i know better
than to text you
and wish you the
most decent day

i wanna believe in the concept
"ask and it is given"
but i know better
than to expect you to stay
Ashlee Reyes Apr 2018
I saw departure first hand,
The ideas of love and staying
Slip out of my mother's
Soft and able hands.

Time and again,
I've worn my heart on my sleeve,
To only be reminded that
I can't trust men,
That I only got me.

Cynicism has found a
Home in my head,
Been denied entry in my heart,
Despite being realistic and cynical,
Every heart break and let down is
So ******* hard.

I be on to the next one,
Word to Jay-z,
Convincing myself and others
To not be mad at me,
Even though it's been known,
I'm worth more than some
Meaningless fun.

If only there was a handbook - a guide -
For people who choose to believe and then
Kick themselves down for mistaking words
For actions,
And being naive.

If only there were a handbook - a guide -
For people like me.
Who choose to believe,
And can't find the balance between that
And being naive.
Ashlee Reyes Mar 2018
a compilation of -
action, feelings
and understanding.

What if this is all so temporal,
that the mere idea of,
losing sleep
over something, beyond control,
translates into,
A fear toward lost time?
Ashlee Reyes Mar 2018
My grandmother always told me to not forget
To pray
When I lie down for the night,
And when I awake.

"Thank him," she says,
But what if I need to plead,
Like God, please point,
Please lead.

Lately my chest has been
Heavy, hurting
As if something's knocking and breaking in -
Maybe my anxiety trying to find a permanent home

How do you shut a door that flung itself open
Without your approval?
How do you properly thank God
When your words are no longer found easily out in the open?

"When you wake up, don't forget to thank Him," she'd say
And I'll never know
If it was my instinct to knock the conversation down
Or the desire within me when I'd nod my head sure
Knowing **** well that my first thoughts in the morning
Are always enveloped in being anxious and unsure.
Ashlee Reyes Mar 2018
I'm not saying I couldn't handle it,
But looking back, I should've
Thought it through
Because I knew what it was
When it came to
Me and you.

I could've offered you the stars
And you'd only want the moon.

Maybe I got too comfortable
Maybe you don't remember things as
I do.

I guess recollections can be romanticized,
Especially when connection can be identified,
When the basis of your argument was built on a simple lie.

I gifted you pieces of me,
And my heart clung onto you for free,
I held on for dear life
No matter the things people said to me.

You had me mesmerized,
Each time I left you with something
You didn't bother to keep memorized.
Written 12/3/17
Ashlee Reyes Nov 2017
Once, on vacation, my friend and I journaled about
Where we saw ourselves 5 years from then.
I didn't think once of you.
Or him either.

I envisioned wooden floors,
A single toothbrush,
My mug collection
And a King size bed that
Only my body lies on.

My closet filled with button downs,
And in the back of it,
A box with the
Burnt matches that
Ignited every pain
In my young adult-hood.

I end up getting a dog,
Because they're
Guaranteed to be loyal,
And because sometimes its
Scary living alone in a big city.

My journals are filled with stories
Of failure
Pages of declarations
Of frustration and of hope.

My window sill a comfortable seat
Because every morning I make sure
To see the sky
To remind myself that the world is mine.
That I am mine.

My body and soul
Ache, but just a little,
Not as much as it does now.

My tattoos as meaningful as ever
My truths as prevalent.

For once in my life,
Perceptions others have of me
Became irrelevant.

On my table there's flowers,
Flowers from the shop down the street,
Singlehandedly picked by me.

An ashtray I made in a week-long art class,
A movie collection
Because it makes me feel okay
For any lack of affection.

I envision myself unapologetic,
A trait I finally mastered
And maybe i'm not too ******* myself
Maybe I finally got it together.

5 years from then,
I'm not thinking of you,
Or him.
Freedom is a concept I finally
After years of unsaid emotion,
I got the life of pleasant solitude I
So rightfully earned.
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