this man’s been gone to ground
a while,
and earlier i’d seen him
smoking something
out from his pen
[a contraption of deceit
like the photo
he carries of himself
from 1960]
place bets: he was exciting!
a real man
of daring-do! of action!
no doubt he had
his fill of women in his day!
why he gropes at them still
despite his wizened form of head

I think that’s the painful part,
remembering our start.
The innocence,
the uncontained bliss,
it’s such a contrast to now
and I’m still stuck wondering how.
How that chapter of my life is closed,
how is it that we’ve become opposed?
I think I believed we were indestructible,
that our relationship wasn’t corruptible.
It hurts most when I think about it, about us
and all the things we said in unshakeable trust.
Those words float now,
detached, but unforgettable somehow.
I keep asking, why?
For when we were together we aimed for the sky.
Here in the now, it’s much different.
I no longer have the ability to call you up in an instant.
We’ve grown apart,
strayed so much from our start.
We’ve grown up, but part of me is still fighting for what we had
and I know I need to stop because I laugh, but the disconnect makes me sad.
I can’t say I want to forget you, forget us
because you were somebody who had my trust
but things have changed
and we’ve become estranged.
I wish it were different, I don’t think you understand how much
but somehow I’ve benefited, for now I’m my own crutch.
So the goodbye is bittersweet.
I know a part of me, in some aspect, will always be incomplete
for a bond there was severed,
but I do wish you luck with your future endeavors.
I harbor no ill will,
and we’ll meet again on some rainy day, accepting a passing fill.
But we’ll know the truth,
we’ll share a smile that holds a million memories from our youth
and that’s what I’ll come to appreciate,
I’ll carry those wonderful memories even if we don’t affiliate.
We grow up, we change
the future isn’t something we can arrange.
We can only realize our choices,
and follow through on this voyage.
It’s messy, and beautiful, and can hurt like hell
but on the bad things we can’t dwell.
So the memories I’ll keep,
locked away, just for the rainy day when I see you on the street.

It's all strange to me.
Sometimes it's pain to see,
You're so far away from me.
The worlds falling apart and so is my heart,
it's plain to see.
Locked out, I keep wishing one day I would regain the key.
If this world dies, your eyes are the last thing I want to see.
Your'e close but so far away me
and it's changing me.

So many young, lovely girls.
So much heartbreak and suffering.
They won't believe this but
men are like airplanes:
if you miss one; there will be
another one for you to catch,
or to catch you, soon.
  ~mce

Inside a synthetic fantasy,
running from love's fall,
experiencing artificial destiny
when my life came to a crawl.

True life outside self-prison walls,
I can feel my purpose originate,
just another illusion's thrall,
twin ideas self-replicate.

(Why cant I keep misery at bay?!)

A lone perpetual memory,
I was just not chosen.
Reliving ancient agony,
I'm so cold, forgotten.

All senses lie to me,
truth hides unspoken.
Delusions are all I see,
I feel my mind is broken.

(Why cant this go away?!)

Unlit candles melt away,
under a cruel dark sun.
Colors fade back to grey,
watching a sadistic rerun.

Inside a forgotten cage
my heart lies sprawled,
unwilling to re-engage,
to her, enthralled.

How can I hope to see a new day?
If my heart still lies frozen..

When they see her they see straight perfect teeth, round full lips.
Dark hair and tan skin,
A shy smile
With big sweet eyes.
Small, petite, but with ***** up to her chin in all their perky triple d glory.
No stretch marks.
They all fall in love with her
Smiling at the ground when she asks why.
Then they all look up at her
Slow
And say
theres just something about you..

I sit down, giving up immediately.

I hold a crystal in my hand
Absentmindedly turning it with the tips of my fingers
Watching the light from the window break amethyst into seven
Colors bounce off the walls
Into my hair and yours
Onto our cheeks
Our legs, our feet
And we are moved by the rhythm of color

dad left
for his second tour of duty
on my third birthday

mom kept
a jar full of jelly beans
on the living room coffee table

every night
she gave me one to eat, saying
"when these jelly beans
are all eaten up,
dad will come back home"

sometimes
i would sneak another,
to help dad come home sooner

one night
the phone rang
and i watched mom
wipe away a tear
as she filled
the jar
back
up