Small ****
Big hips
Crooked smile
Slow denial
Fat face
I can't erase
Thin hair
Great despair
Green eyes
Sad goodbyes
Wide nose
Legs closed
Ugly face
A disgrace
Brown skin
I can't live in
Broken heart
I need to restart

You asked me what I want
But how do you mean?

Like a wish?
Because it's always been a dream of mine
to fly with my own wings
or to control time
so that maybe I'd get enough sleep
and I could draw out the memorable moments until I'm sick of them
and then
maybe
sometimes when I need a break I could just stop everything
and focus on the serene silence of a world frozen in place

But does this wish have to obey the rules of this reality?
because if that were the case
then I could wish for the attention of that one boy
the one with the electricity in his fingertips
and that might temporarily please me

Or I could wish myself convenience
I could wish that my hoodie strings never crept uneven
I could wish that my nails stayed short and neat
so I didn't have to cut them
I could even wish that I knew everything there was to know

Or I could wish for something to better the world
I could wish that natural disasters were a myth
I could wish that 'pretty' didn't mean anything more than the empty breath of air and intangible vibrations that it actually is
That it didn't have any more impact than 6 letters of graphite should

Or I could wish for something to better myself
I could wish for better handwriting
so maybe I can convince myself that my words are worth the paper they stain
Or I could wish for endurance
Or effortless conversation skills
Or pristine work ethic-
something I can use to my advantage in the future to ensure success.

Or I could just wish for success.
I could wish for the job of my dreams
endless money
the perfect family
but where's the fun in that?

I could even use my wish to help someone else
cure someone of their terminal cancer
Hell-
I could wish up a cure for cancer!

I could wish that mosquitoes didn't exist
or that I had a photographic memory
or that I lived somewhere I could wear flip flops in January
or that I would never age, never feel pain
I could wish for an A on my next science test
or that poverty inversely reflect humanity

But you know what I think?
I think it's human nature to feel discontent
and I think
that's vital
to the evolution of the human race

I think that we need it
to continue
to grow
and better ourselves

So what do I want?
What's my one wish?

I wish that I could believe in the magic of the stars peeking through tonight's sky

forget the drugs. yeah, they’re going
around and yeah, they’re pretty
dangerous, but they don’t take as many
lives. stop searching kids’
lockers and start looking for the deeper
stuff, the things that leave heavier
inflictions. yeah, i
know it’s nearly one
hundred degrees outside, and
there’s girls in here wearing
long sleeved sweaters. they’re
hiding something more
sinister, something
that can’t be measured in
kilos.

I want to be rich
with joy,

and I want to have
a job that
pays me
more
than what I'm worth-
and
that currency
will be
     loyalty and respect.

I will not cover my breast as an apology for this body
I will not bow my head as an apology for being beautiful
I will not smile at your misogynistic jokes to massage your ego
I will not let liquor give you an excuse as to why it is okay for you to pin my arms
And take my lack of communication as me wanting it
Me wanting you
To take from me something you would not get from a more alert woman.
I will not purchase pants
In favor of dresses and skirts that do not ******* say "this is yours"
Nothing about even my bare body screams "this is yours"
Nothing about my passing glance says "take me" unless I tell you to.
I cannot submit to a man who doesn't fix his mouth to ask me if I want to.
I will not walk this life as a nun hoping you don't pound me to the pavement in your struggle to take control
And gain this power you feel should automatically be yours
To overrule my *****.
No matter
How bare my breast are
How high my skirt rises
How flirty my friendliness is
How my back slopes
How my hands move
How firm my no is
                 my stop
                 I can't
                please don't
                please leave
                not yours
                don't ****
                please stop
                not yours
                not yours
                no
                no
                no.
And with a mind a weak as yours
You shatter
You break
You tear through flesh.
You forget we are made of the same bones
That their is flesh here
That now holds taint here.
I will never find an ocean deep enough to drown myself of you
Absolve myself of sins I had no say in.
And no matter how brittle my bones are
How broken my spirit is
My lips will seal themselves,
Hollow out any lingering screams
Because, society will tell me that I made myself too pretty
That I showed too much skin
in contrast to the heated sun
That I swallowed too much liquor
And walked too ******* ****
And danced a bit too free
all in preparation for
                                   concrete, cold, hard, forced, penetrated
                                   remnants of you.

The bane of courage was upon me.
I gathered myself
in the darkness of the truth.
You are not perfect, nor shall you be.
You are not always right.
It cut and burned like ice.
Shackled in the dark, by my own acts
I screamed and cried and fought,
as all Children of Men have once done.
Digging through the earth beneath me,
there lay the glowing key of Faith.
I had oft heard of such a treasure,
only when blinded could I see it.
Tears trickled through my smile,
tasting of acceptance and sweet catharsis.
Light was not at the end of the tunnel,
but here within my hands.

Break down the mirror, and break me down
brains in my hair and teeth at my wrists,
she said fourteen caps of alprazolam gave her all she needed
she needs a new world, a new earth, a new ruler, that's what she needed-
I told you it wasn't meant to be this way, i was meant to be the prettiest
but girls with thickened veins and thickened wrists are destined for the bridge edge
My silver smiler body double told me to cut out the poison in my veins
and guess what I did it I did it I did it again
tell them your name, dysmorphia, tell them all what you think of me -
start the car and run me over, honey.