My spaniel puppy lays on my feet.
I'm at home comfortable under my blue blanket.
It's a soft blue blanket probably one of my favorite possessions.
The spaniel puppy is warm and soft.
She keeps my cold body warm.
She knows something is wrong.
She's worried too.
Everyone's worried.
Lately my body has been caving.
Sicker and sicker I grow and I'm unable to cure this sickness.
My body refuses to fight it.
Over two weeks now what should be a common cold has made me miserable.
No I'm not contagious.
I have to sit out during sport activities because my lungs can't take that kind of activity.
My lungs aren't necessarily the best at being lungs.
They don't want to breath in air.
They feel like they are suffocating.  
It's an interesting feeling.

I used to long for death.
Now I'm pleading it to stop.
Never appreciated life.
Now I can't get enough.
No forever is never promised.  
It can never be set in stone.
Lately my body has been deteriorating.
The only way to vent is here.
You see I have two lumps in my neck.
Nobody knows what it is yet.
Could be nothing could be something.
It varies from thyroid... lympth nodes swelling... all the way down to lymphoma, aka cancer.
They tell me not to worry.
It's best to prepare yourself for worse.
What if I am dying.
Atleast I'll be ready when my time comes.
After all we are all dying.
Life is inevitable.  
Life is unovoidable.
But death is inevitable as well.
There is no going around it.
You and I.
One day we are both going to die.
Maybe tomorrow maybe 13 years from now.
Life is not promised.
I remember last night.
I told her I could potentially be dying.
I told her not to worry.
I told her it probably isn't anything bad.
She tried to fight the tears then the began to flow.
Steady like a stream.
She was breaking because of me.
I told her I need you to be strong.
She said if I died she wouldn't go on.
She said you are the one I wanted all along.
What if this sky wizard called god is out to ruin us.
I asked why he would do that.
She just replied don't go cursing Sky wizards.
If there's a god I couldn't imagine him doing a thing.
Killing a girl at 16.
Taking my life when I've only just begun.
I used to beg for my end.
Little did I know I had only just begun.

It all started with a memory.
Pushing its way from the depths of my mind.
Submerging into a thought...
The thought causing my stomach to scream every time I walked past her.
My emo blue haired friend.
Well used to be a friend.
At one point even a little more.
The thought slowly but surely turned into a tear.  
Then a storm.
The rain kept falling my mind clouding up completely.
I hurt my girlfriend to much.
It's all unintentional but it's there.
Anyways the storm turned into a lightning strike.
The lightning taking the shape of a silver blade.
The blade I had sworn to put away.
The blade I had hidden ever so well just invade and emergency came about.
I thought this to be an emergency.
So the lightning struck leaving a thick river flowing down my hand and arm.
A river of red warm regret.
Blood.
I liked watching my own blood make it's way down my arm.
It gave me a sense of peace.
Peace knowing I'm so lost that I rely on self mutilation to get through the day.
Everyone has their choice of destruction...
some choose drugs.
Acholol.
Then there's me and I choose isolation and pain.
Being alone is my worst fear and my number one weakness.
When I'm alone I can act recklessly with no one to stop me.
Not that anyone cares anyways.
That's all I want.
Someone to stop me and hug me and tell me it'll be alright. Still I remain alone.
Sleepless nights...
no lights... this is my life now.
The tears leaving my pillow wet and the river flowing thickly from my arms.
This is my life now.

Roses are red...
Violets are blue...
I'm just gonna stop this crap...
And come out and say I love you.
I know sometimes I'm not poetic.
Sometimes really quite pathetic.
But you'll never find a girl who loves you more.
It's like one day I opened a door.
Let you in.
Gosh, I don't know where to begin,
How do I explain the day when it all changed,
How to I explain the way my mind became rearanged?
You were always there.
Somewhere.
I'd see you everywhere.
Smile as I walked the halls.
My thoughts bouncing off the walls.
Never had I met a girl so beautiful.
Never had I picture a new story to be told...
Willingly I decided this was all part of a bigger plan.
Gladly, I took your hand.
Slowly day after day,
Growing closer to you.
Until we were the inseparable two.
Your hand in mine.
Always by my side.
Eating lunch.
Following routines.
Everything simply meant to be.
Day by day I began to fall,
Harder and harder,
There was no going back.
My heart was under attack.
Quickly you won the war.
Taking over my heart.
Making it beat off the charts.
Every time I saw you my stomach spun.
I could definatly tell you were the one.
Never had I met a girl like you.
Never again do I want to.
(Didn't mean that in a bad way)
Your the only girl I ever want to be with.
Still asking my self on the daily how did I get so lucky.
Your...
Stunning,
Mesmerizing,
Beautiful,
Gorgeous,
Caring,
Deep minded,
Amazing,
Breath taking,
And everything in between.
So the story of us.
You've lived it once before.
Well only a chapter.
We have many yet to go.
so,
This book won't write its self,
So let me begin again,
Never going to reach the end...
I'll start this page.
Simply by saying...
I am madly in love with you.
And absolutely everything you do.

cancer is like a flood...
Unwanted and fast striking...
Before you know it it's taking down buildings and everything you were once familiar with.
Destroying everything...
sometimes without you knowing....
It starts small, you see?
A simple cell in the beginning....
Then it spreads fast...
Even if you build up walls and think it will never come back if can still come back....
Like the river...
You try to find ways to keep it from flooding,
But that doesn't stop it.
It comes back stronger and higher each time until it spills over and floods towns....
Cancer is like that except inside your body...
It starts small and if you catch it soon enough you can do stuff against it...
But sometimes it comes back stronger and destroys everything...

Night stars
Passing cars
They all go by as blurs
Lying here
Next to her
I felt at peace
As if nothing could ever come between us.
Her arm around me
face inches away from mine.
I could feel her breathing against my skin.
I love you I whisper as we lay her.
I can see her eyes in the dark.
Her beautiful blue-green eyes.
Staring into mine.
I love you too she whispers back.
At that moment I know exactly where I'm supposed to be.
Anywhere including her and me.
We are meant to be together.
Like the day with the night.
Without one there isn't balance.
Night must eventually go away for the sun to rise.
And the sun must go down for night to come around.
Together they work together creating a cycle.
A cycle of balance.
Without her my life would have no balance.
She is my night
I am her day.
Night stars...
Passing cars...
Always meant to stay...

"That's the thing about pain... It demands to be felt."
-John Greene

Pain is inevitable.
Just like death you can't avoid it.
There is pain in sorrow.
There is pain in beauty.
There is pain in everything.
Even if it is the happiest moment it could still hurt.
You search and search for a painless event but you'll never find it.
The definition of inevitable is unavoidable.
There is no getting around it.
It will come into your life.
No matter how hard you try to block it out.
Pain is always there.
No matter what.