My anxiety is terrible.
It controls my every action.
I can't even have fun anymore.
Anxiety has me ******* under water.
Today it kept me away from my family.
It keeps me away from friends.
Away from people who try to love me.
Away from loud noises.
Everything is a trigger.
Everything kills me.
When I'm yelled at I cry.
People raise their voice I cry.
People are unrecognizable I cry.
Gun shot fires in distance I cry.
I have really bad anxiety.
And because of it today I sit alone at home.
By myself.
With no one but a blade.
Guess I'm the end it was my only friend.
Anxiety brought us closer.
So now I sit here considering od.
Considering starving myself.
Being buried a million feet under.
The waves beating me down.
No I don't think I'll cut.
Not Doing it for Emily.
Then again anxiety likes to think different.

The rain came down gently at first. Then the rain began to crash down.
Screaming.
Hiding the tears streaming down my cheeks.
Sure the rain was doing me a favor.
The night was cold.
Cold and windy.
The Stars had vanished with your memory.
You were in my past.
Someone I had to let go of.
I can't think of you anymore.
The rain felt nice on my freshly made cuts.
The clear water turning a red striking down my arm.
Idk why I'm writing this is just came upon me. No I will never lay a blade on my arm again.
Never cry for her again.
Never feel the pain she wants me to.

Just beginning.
Wyd are still young.
Still being educated.
Only 40 years ago homosexuality was still considered a mental disorder.
Now equal rights are still non existent.
Sure since then things have gotten better.
But we still are not equal!
People still laugh when they see two men walking down the street holding hands.
People still thing lesbians are just there for there own nasty pleasure.
Kiss your girlfriend it's hot.
You don't say that to straight couples.
You don't stop and yell out the window when you see them.
You don't tell them to kiss for your own pleasure.
You don't go shoot their clubs.
The world is not equal.
We are no where near equal.
We are still lower than heterosexuals.
We are still thought of as sinners by churches.
We are frowned upon.
Youth are thrown out by there parents.
We still live in fear.
No rights til we are equal
**** right I SUPORT it!

Everything makes sense.
Everything has been leading me to this moment.
Everything has been pushing me towards her.
The ups and downs.
Emotional breakdowns.
The break ups.
The first time I saw her stars lines up.
They pointed me straight to this girl.
I disregarded it.
Now I see.
I see what you were doing.

Once attentive and focused.
Now thoughts scrambled and strewn.
Impossible to figure out.
I am impossible.
Living on the edge.
Yet scared of everything.
Panic attacks flush over me too much.
Emotions take over me.
Only a few people help when the emotions hold tight.
The ones who have talked me out of suicide late at night.
The ones who have tried to sell my sister drugs.
The ones who  help me breath when breath is gone.
The ones who find words when I'm stuck in the wrong.
Floating around here I stay.
Until a stronger day.

Summer feels like forever.
Not getting to see friends everyday.
Some friends even in different states.
I miss her.
I miss my friend.
We don't talk as much.
She's super busy.
I'm busy too.
Almost always sleeping.
Summer is a drag.

No words can sum up the pain.
The pain I've felt for years.
No words can unstain the blade.
The blade I've used for years.
No words can mend my heart.
The heart you've crushed for years.
No words can take away my breath.
The breath you've held for years.
Carefully watching my step.
The steps you've controlled for years.
Tears streaking down my face.
The face you've abused for years.
Bruises line my body.
The body you've hit for years.
No nothing can take away the pain.
The pain you have inflicted for years.