I am not sure.
Sure of who I am.
I feel distant again.
Uncontrollably far.
And growing farther.
Farther from reality.
All the pain.
And the world pushing down.
I'm screaming as the pain surfaces.
Everything reopening wounds.
I need my friend but can't bother her.
She's having a wonderful times.
I don't need to cause stress.

So much sitting on my tongue.
So much impossible to believe.
Man targets gay club...
50 dead, 56 injured.
Blood donations, no gay blood.
Spouses can't even help one another.
Wanna know what I say?
**** the quote "freedom"
If this country were truly free gays could go to clubs without the fear of getting shot down.
People could donate blood and not have to be a certain sexuality.
Freedom doesn't excist in this country if you are gay.
Pray for freedom.
Pray for the victims
Never stop fighting for your rights.

Yes you said you loved me...
Yet another one of your lies.
You were just a using me.
Gosh really not much of a surprise.
Never meant a thing to you.
I was nothing but a game.
Charm the girl, break her heart?
The words you spit have killed me.
Last night we had a fight.
I lost my job because of you.
Good I'm happy you probably ****** at babysitting anyways.
And I don't have time to argue my cat is dying.
Good it's only because she looked at your worthless self.
Tears rolling down my face.
Voices screaming in my head.
Worthless, ugly, unwanted, unloved, incapable of keeping a job, a horrible girlfriend, mentally sick.
But then I remember the past.
All the I love yous.
Sweet girl, you mean the world, I love you, forever, I would never hurt you.
Yes I continue to cry.
But that's alright.
One day I'll find someone new.
Someone who really loves me unlike you.

She's no longer a part of my life.
Can't help wondering if my choice was right.
I can't do it anymore.
It's affecting me in. Ways you don't know.
The pain is too much.
I'm no fighter.
You may be but I'm not.
With me the only way out is suicide.
I'm not going back to that alternative ever.
Yes goodbyes are forever.
But that doesn't mean never.
Never again shall we talk because...
One day we might both get our **** together.
One day maybe our paths will cross.
For now we don't associate with each other.
It's impossible.
Can't happen.
Remember I do love you.
But nothing more than a friend.
Sorry Chick
You've got Her anyways.
And for some reason I knew this would happen.
The world is cruel.
I told you I'd be toxic in your life.
And look what happened.
Unwanted drama.
Remember I'm always here for you.
That's about it...

No I am not dead yet.
Nor do I still want to take my life.
Yes today I am beginning to notice.
I am alive.
Yes I have been depressed before.
Yes it got the best of me at times.
I am alive today.
I stand here tall and alive.
I breath.
I don't need to be with her to live.
Her absents no longer holds me under.
Iron longer has me in its grasp.
She's going to notice that I am gone.
And I am just going to say so long.
She did mean a lot but I can't continue on.
It's making me sick.
All her childish *******.
I am alive now.
Now I won't let her **** me anymore.
I am shutting the door.
Yes I say it now,
But it's always harder in reality.
Harder to say the truth.
The truth is yeah I love her.
Yeah I trust her.
I trust her even when I have no reason to.
She's lied to me nonstop for days.
But for some reason I keep putting myself out there.
Out there for her to manipulate.
No more though.
I'm done with all her games.
I am alive now.
Alive and happy.
Every scar has a memory.
Every night I cried in the past.
No I don't need people who will cause that.
I know who my real friends are.
thank you guys for being there over the last year or so.
The time when I was low.
Yeah Mel was there at times but Violet turned her into something else.
Someone who no longer cared.
Emily she's been there.
Thank you em.
I'll never forget it.
Even when I doubted her she was there.
Not a clue how much it impacted my life.
Literally without you I might not be here.
Thank you again.
Allysa is like a sister even though sometimes she gets on my nerves she is like family.
I'm always gonna have her back when she needs me.
My sister is a **** head rn.
Made some bad choices recently.
Trying to grow up too soon going down the same path I was.
If she won't listen to me that's okay.
She will learn one day.
I guess this is me just venting.
Getting it all out.
Letting go of everything.
Saying...
I am alive.
This time I plan to stay that way.

I have a history.
One that's not so easy to read.
Just like a book with every turn of a page.
You must cringe at what you see.
My past.
My present.
My future.
All have been ashes.
I'm not easy to read.
The words are all twisted.
All scary.
Some pages are torn up like my wrists.
There are reasons I never wear bikini bottoms in the summer.
Always shorts so people don't ask about the cuts and burns.
I wear tattoos to cover up scars.
Yeah my book is very tattered.
Very broken.
Falling apart even.
But my book reflects my life.
That's okay.

I hear the sweetness of your voice in my ear.
Only a hallucination.
Never real anymore.
They all tell me to get the hell away from you.
That you are hurting me.
Yes you are hurting me.
I've never been in more pain.
That's okay.
I've always love pain anyways