i know better.
i know not to listen to songs like this,
   when i feel like this.

but i just do it anyway.

because i can't decide which
procedures, if any,
ever actually work.

reevaluating my
  traditionally avoidant behavior
  towards things that
trigger an emotional response,

i decided to just flip it completely
   and do the opposite.
   (i don't believe in much
   but i do believe in experiments.)

so when i suddenly hear
  that haunting viking-like
  gut wrenching solitary horn
  instead of diving for the
fast forward
i decide to focus on it instead.
put all my attention
into listening.

i try not to think,
just feel. let the words,
the music, the silence,
the bass,
all of it just hit me in waves.

(i think that might be the key.
because if you let it come
all at once,
and not in waves,
you would surely suffocate)

waves lead
to crying when it's
a song like that.
because you know
| it's love |
some kind
of love.
it couldn't be anything else.
there is no off-brand
or substitute. it just is
whatever the **** it is.

i mean, what possible meaningful
defense can you have
against something
  you don't even understand.

like chaka khan,
please don't do this (sweet thing)
because my heart can't take it.

i somehow have
to slice up
these vast expanses
into minute pieces
but time
is running
out.

i honest to god
think i’m
in a dysfunctional
relationship
with
nys

like yeah, the times
that you are nice ARE good times...
but you are
barely ever nice?!

all that you know
   y o u can teach | me

and all that i know
       i can teach | you.

(if there is anything to be said at all)



i know
i have to be ok
with or
w i t h o u t
you or
you or
you or
you...
and i think i can be,
BECAUSE I ALREADY AM.
besides, i have been
practicing
for so long.

but have you ever
imagined
what that is like?
to expect nothing
to hope for nothing
to attach to nothing
to depend on nothing
to let go
of
every
single
solitary
shred and
fiber of
e v e r y t h i n g?

can you imagine
what that’s like?

i just don’t understand
where you people are getting
all these maps
and compasses.

i’m very suspicious
that they aren’t real,
and i’m not even sure
who made them.

i don’t think
there is anything
better on this earth
than music

you HAVE
to go your own way.

whether you like it or not,
that's where you're g o i n g.

so you might as well
make it
weird
and fun
  as hell.

interstate love song -
or, intermittent crying while walking


i'm trying harder than anyone
  could possibly imagine.
and i'm not saying that to be an *******,
it's just that it's true,
and there is no way
for me to explain.
(the way that things crash around inside me)

this place has a path
that is a big circle,
with two paths cutting
through the center.

and suddenly all
i could see was the paths.

the most treaded path
  is safe and predictable.
you don't even have to think,
and that's what's great.
you can just endlessly go in circles,
  and even though it's predictable
you see something new every time.
everyone knows where to go
and is generally very polite.
it's easier to pace yourself when
   you know where you are going,
       it's easier to pace yourself
          when you know when it will end.
and there are the center paths
   so if you decide you can't go any farther,
     you can veer off and take a shortcut.

there is a short detour off
the main path,
  leading to a creek.
   and it's pretty.
   and you know it's there
   and you can go there whenever you want,
   and it's not hard to get back.
on the main path,
right back in step.

but then there is the path
that p u l l s me.
every time i get to a certain place,
i see it and i can't stop staring at it
because i want to follow it.
it's clearly a path,
   a break in the trees.
      but it's going into the wild,
and the path turns abruptly,
so you can't see where it goes.
    you can't see how far
    and you can't see how deep.

i'm not sure how many times i walked in that circle
and stared at that path
across the way.

i'm not sure how many times i walked right past it
without following it
  because i didn't want to break my stride
and get distracted.

but suddenly i just had to go there.
immediately.
and i stepped right out of the circle
    without thinking,
  and straight into
    the woods.

why is it so hard
for me to walk
without dancing?

i know about the suffering.

i know about the beauty.

someone just said
     not to trust your brain
     or your heart -
trust only your gut.
trust only the vibe.

and i think he might be right.

your guts will let you know
   when you have met your match.

please alert me
   to a HIGH balance

alert me to the grapes
   ripening on the vine

alert me
  to the sun shining

alert me
   to some ******* glorious news

i just want to know
all of
it.

all of the information.

feed me
all the words
all the stories
all the photographs
all the art
all the music
make me understand.

because you can't
understand
without first
knowing.
you must know
what has happened before
what is happening now
and it takes precious time
to accumulate this information.

only when you understand,
can you act.
only when you listen,
can you know.

if i could just store
organize
cross-reference
all the things
i would
k n o w

i envision a unity
of information
a seamless integration
of human creativity
and technology

imagine the whirls
and hums
of data being processed
transferred
syncing, streaming, downloading
packet up all this information
and crash it around the world
throw it around
for the sake of
human knowledge
free and open

there is no way to know.

and when the moment
  inevitably comes to you,
     as it does to us all,
          and you are utterly convinced
          that indeed you do, in f a c t,
KNOW...

i can assure you without hesitation,
    is the exact same moment
that you know the very least.

i just realized
i followed my own self
into the woods
and that makes me happier
than words
can possibly express.

for the
first time
someone has
pointed me
back to myself.

sometimes
  a thing appears
that is like a magnet
(or as the kids would say)
   it <h i t s> different.

this is not the way.
i don’t know
how else to say
that
t h i s
is not
the way.

suddenly
i completely
understand
tiktok
it is a direct
result
of the time
and is responding
to a clear
demand

i have
always
thought
of you
as
a
l i g h t
shining
upon
me

it’s almost as if
there is mass hysteria
and whole generations
   completely let fly
  the idea
      of objective morality
         and it is quite a sad
               thing to witness.

i am an educator.
more importantly,
i am a student.

and i am telling you,
learning doesn't end
because you "graduate high school".
or get 3 phd's. or a 2 year degree.
sure, you can become an expert, but
there is no end.

there is no finish line.

those are made-up things.
there is not a measurable amount to learn
that we, as a society,
have measured out into 10 months
per year 5 days/week
        8 hours per day
and is complete at the age
of 17 or 18.
you are closer then to the
beginning,
   than to the end.

question your teacher.
question the system.
question authority.
question your parents.
question the author.
question your religion.
question yourself.

because there is nothing
worse than a society
full of drones.

back up and try to see
from another perspective,
because not one of us
is the center.

history, my friends,
is in the eye of the beholder.

there is no one history,
and learning a new
aspect of history
is not a threat
to YOU.

it is an opportunity
to examine the world
closer. to see the complexity.
to allow for error.
maybe gain some humility.
it might be upsetting.
unravel your beliefs.
you might get angry.
maybe it won't change anything at all.

but, if you find yourself constantly upset about
the "names of things" suddenly being changed
i.e. teams, products, roads, statues, schools, monuments
i challenge you to ask, what is the common denominator
     of all the those things?

are you upset because you might be wrong?
   could you be hurting people without realizing it?
        you've already taken a stance, maybe you will seem weak if you change your mind.
or maybe someone taught you wrong?
    maybe you were even manipulated into a
   belief system
          so thoroughly ingrained
        that you actually believe
those beliefs are YOU.
maybe you really believe
that your way is
   the only way.

you can test yourself against
your own ideas.
if you insist to yourself that
keeping monuments and names
to slave owners is "just history"
ask yourself how you would
feel about the following:

Pol *** Park and Nature Reserve
The Charles Manson Memorial Highway
Mussolini Children's Hospital
The Timothy McVeigh School for Performing Arts
Monument to the Roman who Crucified Jesus

if all this sounds reasonable to you,
then at least you are being consistent.

if it doesn't,
you need to ask yourself why.

loosen your grip
on what you think you know.

maybe don't spread information
    you don't actually know to be true?
maybe spend 10 minutes
reading about
that person or that statue
or that name
or that law.

names matter.

challenge yourself
to temper that initial
defensive reaction
you may even be feeling
right this very moment.

because you are not
under attack.

you either make a decision
     to believe you already know everything
or you decide differently.

decide to be open.
decide to be thorough.
decide to be curious.
decide to be fair.
decide to learn.
decide to grow.

if you won't do it yourself,
how can you expect
anyone else to?

is to be
the experience
of |something| else
humanity is an e x p e r i e n c e
    not an thing.

an artist
structures
their lives in
a certain way.
you construct a life
the best and most efficient
    ways of gathering information
processing thoughts
    thinking about thinking
looking for inspiration
connecting the beautiful
downloading
uploading
and deleting
and copying
basing
something
upon
something.

i think i see now that we are more different
than i thought
and it is not a pro or a con
we just have different information
to contribute that you
might have to stretch
your thinking
to understand.

and if you can't imagine
stretching your mind, you
definitely have never
stretched your mind.
it hurts.
it might make you cry.
it might make you confused.
it might make you angry.
you may shed old beliefs
and take on new perspectives
it is not something
one would forget,
and for me took years and years and years
  just to be able to begin to understand.

it's just something i have to offer.
i don't know how else to describe it.
a way that
can be
sustained  
a way to
      notice and to listen.
to recognize,
connect,
and destroy.
rebuild,
and
destroy once more.

you can never be born or die too many times in art.
each death allows you to see.
and each birth allows you to see.

if you want a challenge
  you must challenge yourself
in your own mind
in your own time.

all learning is based on
growth
and growth is based
on exposure and practice
there is no way around it

to believe to know
   is to be the worst thing.
unless, of course,
you are correct,
then it is ok.

teach and connect and learn
come together and create
    something bigger and better than both
if you can teach,
   then you know.
if you understand me,
   we may know the same something about something
or the same nothing about nothing.

|the power of the w o r d and the (art)|



to really learn
     your brain has to f l e x
you must be open
  to new ideas
and challenge
the authority
the majority
the status quo
     because seeing pattern
is an art
  an art that can has power anywhere
even to see the future
based on the words
and images
of the
now.
sometimes
we can see the possible picture
the emerging image
   each subtly,
seemingly obscure
things come together
for us
and we can see
from much farther away
than you.

and in those moments that we can see,
you should l i s t e n
  to what we say
l i s t e n to what we sing
l i s t e n to what we play
l o o k at what we show you.
        and begin
    with
t  h e
q
u
e
s
t
i
o
n

it’s just
that i know
how quickly
things can
     go s o u t h

****** with
music &
              words

your life is only that.
your life.
you cannot own
or be owned.
not really.
and that is pretty much that.

i feel like
it is my default state
to genuinely like
every person
i meet.
and be in
a general harmony
with them.

but sometimes
i sabotage myself
by developing
a suspicion that
maybe someone
doesn’t like me.
from small cues.

then my
default state
gets hijacked
and suddenly
the harmony
is gone.

for just this moment
i think i could
stay here forever
and that would be ok

as long as there is music.

i was sitting here
searching for how to
do something mundane.
worklike.
syncing accounts.
trying to find passwords.
downloading data.

i sprinkled eucalyptus around
earlier to try
to make myself feel better.

i lit a candle and everything and
even pretend made my bed.
cranked the air conditioning.
so i could cool off.
and calm down.
and r e s t.

i took 2 dove milk chocolates
and ice cold water to my room.
i just wanted to watch
Stargate Atlantis
and go to sleep.

lazily mining for data
half paying attention
and suddenly an
  intergalactic time portal
opened up before my eyes.
and boom.
(i'm here again)
in this place
of so much
l o v e
my heart pounding
as if no time has gone by.
as if you had just come around
the corner and i see your face
again for the
first time.

literally tachycardia
a loss of all logic
a stupid, stupid grin
my body shaking
in anticipation
of hearing your voice.

by accident.
gigabyte after gigabyte after gigabyte
                and year, after year, after y e a r
and no matter which
one i choose,

i find pieces of you.
    funny little pieces.
        big, honest pieces.
secret pieces.
my pieces.

tears are streaming
d o w n my face
but i don't care
because it is the only
time i can remember
what it was like.

to be a different person.
in a different time.
to overlap with you.

every click
and swipe
songs
artworks
words
photos
texts

the reaching and
the r e t r e a t i n g.
     the coming together and
the sudden
   f
     a ll
in g
a p
art

all neatly in chronological
order like i'm
reading my own story.
but seeing it from
the outside.
the entire picture.
and i can see
where i was wrong
   i n t e n s e
younger
and stupider
and flailing.

but i have always seen you.
     always from the
           very first moment.
you were like an assault
  but in a cosmic sense.
and at the same time
a peaceful, serene, beautiful,
rare combination of atoms and ****.

and i don't think something like that
   could ever happen again.
i can't even imagine it,
   and imagining is the
only thing i'm good at.

curse the interwebs,
saving all this ****
i didn't even realize.
and thought was lost.

but also thank you,
google overlord.

i think it's ok to cry
  about loving someone,
and missing someone
so so so so much.

because nothing matters more
  than being honest
about your love.

and then i looked out
my window in despair
and i saw
a crescent moon.

there are all these
people
just going around
passing through
my life
thinking they are
n o t h i n g
   or maybe fleeting
or forgotten
when they have
no idea
that they
are life itself,
and to me
are each
so unfathomably unique
and beautiful,
that the mere
thought of them
sustains me.

and when
i think of you.
never on purpose,
and always a mistake,
i want to burn the world to the ground.

it always hits me
unexpectedly
always a
w a v e
that washes over me
and i let myself
peek inside
your box
in my
mind.
a light
   [a sound]
and i close my eyes and smile
and the tears come
and i have to feel it
because it is all i can do.
and i don't want
to forget.
so i let you
   e
     b
       b
    and f l o w
and i cry and i smile.
and then
try
to close the box
once again.
(but not too tight.)

there are many things
i do not know
even after
40 years and i tell you
i haven’t stopped
this searching
since first i awoke
to the world
always so concerned
so amused
so incredibly internal
to a degree i cannot
describe or fathom
i only wanted
to love
and to help
and to create
and instead
the earth opened
and i fell
to another
place.

when will i
be held to account
for these quarantine sins?

breathless
feeling the sound vibration flow
spreading out in waves
of anticipation
vein-like and
following an internal structure
and wait
gasp
    gasp
/breath/
all of honor and hope
rides in that breath
to be taken
down
   down
       down
| d r o p
             |
the s o u n d
   so r o u n d
the release
so great
bass brings the
music inside h e r e
instead of up there
brains are boring
the p u l s e
is life

fierce brilliant talons
stained glass
mulberries
a cold snap
ebb and flow
trudging through
   flooded swampy ice grass
vestibules and
locked doors
aunts
white blankets
star trek beeps
brake lights
2 chocolate chip scones
and honestly,
i haven’t felt better.

my whole life
  i’ve wanted to be
a    c y b o r g
all because of
   the dream of (data)
I AM THE BORG
   I AM A CYCLON
I AM THE TERMINATOR
and i am
   | coming | for | you |

i either wanted to so i did,
or i didn’t want to
and therefore,
didn’t?

there is very little wanting
and also doing
but a lot of
not wanting
but still doing

i don’t want to want.
i don’t like it.

i like not wanting

and just being
     (instead).

why do i think of
dinosaurs every time
i hear a trombone?

and it seems to be
our american tradition
to check out mentally
about sixty l e v e l s (in)
and i can’t even begin to contemplate
what it could mean
to give two whole decades
less of a ****
than i do now

i advise you to
   pay attention
to this singular flow
follow it, go
in the age
   of advisement
vibrations will guide
  the pull
of the tide
the dilation
the size
    the always goodbye

(intergalactic medium)

i’m pretty sure
   that the u n i v e r s e
is not what
we think
it is.

the anticipator
  the modulator
the race car driver
and the quiet insider
brrrm
     brrrm
  shush

┃
i imagine my brain
splits into t w o
to the left
     of the grey line
         are my questions
to the right of the grey line
are the answers
  they jump up in surprise
    to see that they match up
they meet in the middle quickly
in a blink of light
and when they match
they become a pair and
  that resulting acknowledgment
of understanding allows
me to pack it away
in it’s own  b r a i n s p a c e
  t h i s
is what
   g o o g l e has done
and thank god
  it will never end.
                                  |