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-?-
a m a n d a Jan 2020
-?-
i can’t TELL YOU
what it means
because that
  would defeat
               the p u r p o s e
a m a n d a May 2017
sometimes
a thing can be
m i n i m a l
to the point
of confusion.
a m a n d a Jul 2016
(and 1,000 nights)

speak to me
of
loneliness
in
1,000 days.
then
i will begin
to relate.
then,
i might have
sympathy.

show me the
lines around
your eyes,
in 1,000 nights,
and i will
begin
to take note.

find yourself
in the
silent walls

weep into
the pillows

stare at
the ceiling
for
1,000 days
&
1,000 nights.
and i may
have the
temperament
to listen.
a m a n d a Oct 2017
today is the day

you became a covering

i simply shrugged off.
a m a n d a May 2018
once you comprehend your worth,
you must leave when
you cannot find
a reason to stay.

b.a | m.s.e.d
a m a n d a May 2020
it always hits me
unexpectedly
always a
w a v e
that washes over me
and i let myself
peek inside
your box
in my
mind.
a light
   [a sound]
and i close my eyes and smile
and the tears come
and i have to feel it
because it is all i can do.
and i don't want
to forget.
so i let you
   e
     b
       b
    and f l o w
and i cry and i smile.
and then
try
to close the box
once again.
(but not too tight.)
a m a n d a May 2020
and when
i think of you.
never on purpose,
and always a mistake,
i want to burn the world to the ground.
a m a n d a Aug 2017
what if
i accidentally saved
my 31 drafts
as public

and the world saw
what i wasn't ready
to reveal?
a m a n d a Mar 2014
oh.
i wish i didn't know about you.

you have ruined me.
this i know in my bones.

i wish i didn't know
    about your **** beautiful face
  the way you move
christ.

no.
i wish i didn't know
it was possible for my heart
  to pound out of tempo with the earth
on its own wild trajectory.

i wish i didn't know
this terror
   of beautiful things
       slipping from my grasp.

this sickening realization
that my life is just
a stack of winters.

the universe cares nothing for me.

but i believe in you
even if you don't believe in me.

i see you
even if you won't see me.

i hear your voice
in my dreams where
   you have taken down walls
  and planted trees with me instead.

oh,
my heart aches not to know about you.

my mind fears
to know of time
    without you.

to have all this space
these colors
these sounds

this love.

as i move through time
  i become more convinced
    there is nothing more.

more frustrated that no one will hear me.

devastated
that you do not believe in me.
a m a n d a Oct 2020
[******* guys and your stupid hope]



hope that disintegrates
as quickly as it arrives
is more damaging
than
no
hope
at
all.
a m a n d a Jan 21
don’t tell me that,
i don’t like that.

what is it you
expect me to do?

identify the suspects?
map the connections?
follow the protocols?
test the responses?

-

it’s just that things are so fragile
the lines so thin
the intentions so pure
a m a n d a May 2018
in general,
life with cats is
extremely peaceful.

then sometimes,
a badass tuba comes
out of nowhere and
let's be honest,
what are you really
prepared to do about that?

part of the problem
could be that to me
imagination is as good as
real life, and so
i don't require
the life, per say.
only the thought of life.
a m a n d a Oct 2018
as far as my
memory r e c e d e s
someone has taken upon
themselves the
burden
of my dietary habits.
a m a n d a Oct 2014
i drive into the
pink-orange sky
and what could be
is not what is
everything is as it seems
and yet i stay awake.
a m a n d a Nov 2013
[and none are eternal]**


with closed eyes
i fall
through 9 realms
putting on and taking off
my masks

when i walk alone
i walk in
Asgard
i walk in the belief
of my power
i walk on
the  Bifröst
a golden guardian
at the gate

the dark world
is blue and grey
all that is wrong
is blue
and black
but i can walk
on the dark world
i can walk on Svartalfheim
because i am golden
i am strong
i have weapons

but Asgard is not eternal
i am not
eternal
and if you look close enough
even weapons
forged of steel
are simply
energy and space
a m a n d a Nov 2018
the mere
p o s s i b i l i t y
of h
     o  
p
e
is more than i
can bear
.
a m a n d a May 2014
today i saw
the saddest girl
sitting in the grass
   parts of her sparkling in the sunlight
  i heard her whisper
*i want to be vapor
    and sink into this earth
move quickly in the ground
a m a n d a Aug 2017
what the mere
t h o u g h t
of you
does to my body,

another man,
in the flesh
**cannot.
a m a n d a Oct 2016
i try to keep
you in the periphery,

not anymore
a clear
and present danger.

now an
a w a r e n e s s
of your power
over
     me
remains vigilant.

i feel it
always by
my side,
aware it
could strike
at the
moment
of your
desire.

i can't think
of any
protection
against this.

i don't know
     how
to
   save
          myself

from the you
        in the ether
   at the edge
of the wind.
a m a n d a Jul 2014
like a   c o s m i c  crush
the sadness sweeps me            
the resonance            
           that does not come
     your  nihilism
in my knowing
a m a n d a Dec 2019
that day i mistook
a cheeto crumb
for a pill
a m a n d a Dec 2020
there is what i call
"typical" or common pain
a stubbed toe
a bee sting
a broken ankle
a broken foot
cramps
a migraine.

then there are
gallbladder attacks,
topped only by
pancreatitis.

i wasn't aware of these other kinds.

pain from the absence of feeling
   where you know feeling should be.

searing, burning, hot fire pain.

sharp, tingling, breathtaking pain.

electric zap pain

overwhelming pressure pain.

deep, constant, rigid spasm pain.

pain that cannot be touched
by anything
other than
unconsciousness.
a m a n d a Feb 18
(with blue cheese lacking the desired tang)


sore arms
purple masks
East 1999
alternate routes
breadsticks
tears
cats on high alert
cold hands
gas stations
powder
witches
vampires
&
s p a c e s h i p s
a m a n d a Nov 2020
i somehow
have to
b e c o m e
the
winter

it is the only
way to be
f r e e
of it.
a m a n d a Jan 2020
june promises
are just
january lies
a m a n d a Jun 2018
i’ve got a case
of the remembers.
a m a n d a Sep 2016
love is not
a thing
that gives
choices,
it just arrives,
takes you
destroys you.

it has done
nothing but
make a fool
out of me.

knocking me over,
gripping my
cold wretched heart
without mercy.

making me
irrational,
fierce,
defensive,
determined.

unable to
break the spell,
paralyzed by
absolutely ludicrous
beliefs.

-

i deleted all
the music
off my phone
because
storage was
scarce.

but in the dark,
in the rain,
cruising,
comes
sad song playlist
all by itself,
unsummoned,
pushed from
the clouds
back into
my mind,

my chest,
where i feel a
sudden tightening,
a deep,
wrenching
pain.

so i sit
in the driveway
and let it finish,

let the sadness
roll right
into me,
and eyes closed,
tearless,
i dreamt of you.
a m a n d a Dec 2020
i dreamt
that my eyes
were
itchy and irritated
so i looked in a mirror

they were disturbingly red
with contacts in them
but i don't wear contacts,
and couldn’t remember
how they got there
so i took them out

i looked down
to inspect them
and was shocked
and confused

the contacts were not transparent

they were grey, opaque, and very thick.

there was no way to see through them

yet i thought i had been seeing the world
perfectly fine
just moments ago.
a m a n d a May 9
the thought was conjured,
for a moment, just_
that i am already anything
i could ever need to be...
and better than even
i thought i could be
(in this backwards time.)
a m a n d a Apr 2018
...and it's like
we got ALL THESE PEOPLE
and
all these ideas and
we all listen and
internalize and -
bring some back to the
group-think

but all HALF OF YOU
have to say
is to speak of
other men and
how well
they handle their ******.
a m a n d a Sep 2017
just saying,

it's quite odd to
some of us,

(again,
just saying,
NOT a big deal,)

to watch every.
single.
god ******
decision
be made
be prioritized
by sad,
stupid,
petty
men

who also choose
what even deserves
attention
action and
consideration.

and I can't help
but think,
(being of sound mind
and body?)

what if women
had been
in charge
the last
200 years?

j/k#sonotabigdeal
a m a n d a Aug 2017
sometimes i know
that my brain
is refusing to learn
or
it does not know
the way around
or |through|

and so it remains
i n e r t
- inept -
a m a n d a Oct 2018
if you care to know what
life was like
for a teenage girl,
in Buffalo, NY
i would have to tell you,
that indeed,
stonewash jeans were HOT
and even more so,
if they were rolled up,
folded, and p i n n e d.

it was the tail end
of punks,
with the rise of grunge,
pearl jam
s o u n d g a r d e n and
REM
michael jackson
and
p r i n c e.
SNL, chicken wings,
and
the phantom of the opera

the world was sad
the middle east was sad
and the president was
a pervert.

what more is there to say?
other than the
driveway and porch parties
and of course,
computers
pagers and
andy warhol.

there really wan't
much to it.
camping,
stars in the country and
crisp fall air and
winters that never ended.
brutal sun,
freezie pops and
dance routines.
i was a girl.
what more can i say?
a m a n d a Aug 2017
sometimes the world
seems to have
a lens filter -
saturated greens and
   golds,
muted blues and reds and
the dust is kicked up
into the atmosphere
with little particles
sparkling in the dimming light
of day.

sometimes it's hard
to see so much beauty with
  your own eyes,

and not be able to feel it.

there is only a profound emptiness.
a m a n d a Oct 2013
we should build
a house in the trees
deep in the forest
with metal
and glass
and wood

our home
could spiral around
a strong trunk
with deep roots
sunlight filtering
through glass
and the night sky
alive above us

there would be rooms
full of spices
plants
and light
a room of instruments
a room of art
and a room with books
stacked to the sky

we would each
have our own rooms
in a twisted corner
of our tree
color and light our own

we would
have a room just for us
to look into each other's eyes
hands in hair
and hearts beating
too fast

quiet words
could be whispered in our tree
music could boom
from our tree
and
our tree
would be strong
able to hold us high
above the ground
our tree
would be beautiful
and unique

we should build
a house in the trees

we should bend
the world
to our will

we should
create something new
a m a n d a Jun 2018
if you’ve never felt
absolutely
    e x c r u c i a t i n g
maddening
         \breathless\
pleasure...
      then i’m not sure
what exactly
  you are doing with your life.
a m a n d a Nov 2016
(indigo)

sister is about to blow.
tolerance of ******* has
    h i t
an all-time
l
o
w.
a m a n d a Oct 2020
i tried to imagine instantly  
  the cheapest item at the cheapest
store that i would
genuinely be excited to purchase
if it was the last dollar
i could scrape up

and the immediate reply was
bound
blank
white
paper.
a m a n d a Jan 15
everyday i am born again
and everyday i die
a m a n d a Jul 2013
(grow a pair)

a battle rages
                                 (a war as old as humanity)

enemies most terrible
                life against life

life unveiled
    sharp
       raw
burdensome
(battle is difficult)
your unveiling is your
very freedom
     your truth
    your armor

yet it leaves you
n a k e d
               unguarded
o p e n to strike
             and enemy attack
you bleed
        so easily
you see
      so far into the future
     you *feel

all things with such intensity    

-

veiled life
metallic shine
        glints off your armor
you cannot be so
easily struck...so easily bled    
                    but your senses are dulled        

reason can be ignored
         sight can be blurred
and life can be lived in
a state of numb
satisfaction                

-

i am of the unveiled
since my beginning
and to my end

yet battles rage on
despite my feeling                            
that i can't *possibly

                   get any closer to the edge
that my brain can't handle                  
anymore notions of this world.

but what keeps rising to my throat
and threatening to sting my eyes
is this

what i want to know of this universe i cannot know.
my most deeply held wishes are impossible.
my desires matter to no one but myself.
whatever i love will be taken from me.
everyone i love will be taken from me.
i can be taken from myself.
a m a n d a Aug 2014
so i call out
your name
(but you don't come)

i beg and plead
and cry through the ache
(but you don't come)

i call out your name
*all is not well
a m a n d a Jan 2017
I'm seeing all these
people having
a sad
about the
women's march.

yikes. thought you guys were tough.

didn't know that a knitted kitty kat hat was so terrifying and offensive to people who don't believe in political correctness. So sad!
a m a n d a Feb 2014
if it were 1989
   i think i would call
the radio station and request a song
for you
     my cherie amour
how i wish that you were mine
a m a n d a Dec 2014
if i could conjure
   the appropriate bombs
to d
       r
        o
           p
               on you
everyone would hear
the
**| boom! | boom!| boom!
a m a n d a Jan 2017
"Yes, I am outraged. Yes, I have thought an awful lot about blowing up the White House ... but I choose love," Madonna said from the main stage area near the National Mall.

"I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose voters," Trump said.

Don't worry guys, he doesn't mean anything he says. He's so super funny. He's cool, guys.

But you better watch out for that Madonna. That woman will destroy the White House with her love.
a m a n d a Feb 2020
the anticipator
  the modulator
the race car driver
and the quiet insider
brrrm
     brrrm
  shush
a m a n d a Aug 2017
a memory breaks through
to the realm
of the
| n o w |
ripping a connection
through space time
to present
a rather rude
parallel:

as a child
standing in the
smelly
echo ridden
gym
under lights with
a yellow cast.

i am in a line.
about to be chosen,
or more accurately,
not chosen
for the team.

and i realize
that my brain
has chosen this thought,
now,
of all possible thoughts,
as a cruel reminder
that i have felt
this pain before.
for my entire life.
a m a n d a Jan 2018
every time
i approach
| peak | a w a r e n e s s |
of this thing
this life
this reality...

fuzziness focused
by the
aperture of my mind and -

the universe conspires
to push.
      me.    
  back.
        down.
a m a n d a May 2018
everyone goes through
the  m i n u t i a
the daily grind
in a unique
arrangement of
space and time.
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