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a m a n d a Oct 6
today i realized,
absurdly,
that this very foreign,
warm,
light
amazing feeling
is what the dictionary
or jeopardy would
refer to as
euphoria;
and i'm sorry,
but that's hilarious.
a m a n d a Oct 6
this dope ***
bright red yellow pink sun
in the rearview.
an energy, without doubt.
while she sings
"don't hurt yourself"
and i decide
i will try harder
not to,
and that i only want
the imaginary brand new
futuristic race car
if i can have it
with complete abandon -
sure in the knowledge
that it could be crumpled
and imperfect in minutes -
a loss a loss a loss.

i would only want it
if i could truly accept its destruction
the cryptic length of
enjoyment without worry.
then i could
race that machine
be that machine
love that m a c h i n e
Oct 5 · 68
the pool
a m a n d a Oct 5
i had a thought
to write a thing
but as soon as it emerged
it sunk again
back to the pool
of brewing ideas
Oct 1 · 89
(i remember)
a m a n d a Oct 1
a new song
and
suddenly time
has s l o w e d
the air is thick
skin is hot
breath is short
my body moves
differently and
suddenly he
is here,
inside this new soundtrack,
a beautiful figment
of daydream and memory.
a m a n d a Sep 28
don’t try to take me
to seasons of nostalgia with you
(it’s the same every year)
and i don’t want to go.

i’d rather there be
an endless summer.
Sep 24 · 301
i beg of you
a m a n d a Sep 24
(in my heart of hearts)


to please stop
asking me to
a c c e p t the cookies.
a m a n d a Sep 10
( sweet corn | work zone ahead | do not pass )

i think everyone is everyone.
i simply can't help it.
Aug 10 · 213
listening ears
a m a n d a Aug 10
some days
you hit every red light
and get stuck behind
a literal **** truck
for miles on end
when it's 85° and
the a/c is broken.

and i'm pretty ******* certain
that if you don't want to hear it,
you're not gonna hear it.

and if you don't want to learn,
you're not gonna learn.

and it's not my fault
you can't attune your
listening ears.
May 18 · 282
what there should be
a m a n d a May 18
there is no
what should be
there is only
what is.
May 11 · 516
edges of a dream
a m a n d a May 11
sometimes i get the edges
(the glimpses of a dream)
the moment you think to r e a c h
that thing is already
- gone -
May 9 · 144
a fleeting mind slam
a m a n d a May 9
the thought was conjured,
for a moment, just_
that i am already anything
i could ever need to be...
and better than even
i thought i could be
(in this backwards time.)
a m a n d a May 9
you don't even realize
the seconds turn to stacks
and what you thought was new
now is old old old
and yet here you are
and the only clear thought
is a new thought
May 8 · 1.8k
ya'll know the place
a m a n d a May 8
(deepdeepdeep in the cut)



beautiful girls with long braids
quiet boys with tears in their eyes
yellow birds
and pink trees

flutes and drums and haunting strings
drifting smoke
sleepy cats
blanket on blanket on blanket
a m a n d a Apr 20
the sad thing,
is that you would
love to hear the story
i have crafted.
honest to god.

you would adore the idea,
you really would.

and yet,
it will remain in this
strange realm
of fabulous ideas
known only to me.

and ****, what a world
i have crafted,
if only you could see.
Apr 20 · 1.4k
rotate the moon
a m a n d a Apr 20
call it what you will
i know i can create life
with just this thought
alone
Apr 17 · 551
stoic masterpiece
a m a n d a Apr 17
your name materialized
through sound waves
someone else's vocal chords
to my ears -
i could even feel everything connecting
an electric brain buzz from
ears to brain to eye to brain
to lips to brain to muscle to brain
to reset and reset and reset
and i did my absolute best
to take normal breaths

that particular sound
has no effect on me.
a m a n d a Apr 15
(i can, but i won't.)

i am this,
but i am also not this.

i see you
but i won't say so,
until i will.

but if i hear it,
i might feel it.
and if i feel it,
i might become it.
Apr 11 · 244
love
a m a n d a Apr 11
when someone loves you
they take you with them
as free and as far
for as long
as they
can
Mar 26 · 156
(no one is coming)
a m a n d a Mar 26
you cannot fathom
the lime green light
or what has transpired
that led you to this place.

you cannot fathom
the life eating pain
until it is upon you,
tearing you limb from limb.
Mar 3 · 236
real™️
a m a n d a Mar 3
has the time come?
the limit reached
max allotment for
any semblance of a thing
to remain that thing?
Feb 24 · 148
(not you)
a m a n d a Feb 24
it shouldn’t be
so hard to believe
that i made it for me
that i said it for me
or that i did it for me
a m a n d a Feb 18
i got t i r e d
of being enslaved
by the idea
that i had to
relentlessly justify
my very right to e x i s t
that i had to prove
again and again and again
my purpose
my worth
my supreme health and vitality
my endless energy
availability
flexibility
my moral ******* i n g superiority

(that’s why)
Feb 18 · 444
a day
a m a n d a Feb 18
(with blue cheese lacking the desired tang)


sore arms
purple masks
East 1999
alternate routes
breadsticks
tears
cats on high alert
cold hands
gas stations
powder
witches
vampires
&
s p a c e s h i p s
Feb 13 · 1.3k
cats
a m a n d a Feb 13
once you’ve lived
with a cat or two
any item in the periphery -
a towel, a purse, a sock
becomes a still creature,
silently watching
Feb 13 · 308
So What’Cha Want
a m a n d a Feb 13
you know
friday night
b u c k w i l d
when it involves
lidocaine patches
naproxen sodium
& ice packs
after challenging yourself
to a dance off
and don’t be a punk
if the patch dislodges
and gets stuck in your hair
just dislodge it again
#onwardandupward
#checkyourhead
a m a n d a Feb 11
new layer
duplicate layer
link layer
hide layer
flatten layer

yet the only true layer
is the transparent layer.
Feb 4 · 107
glimpse
a m a n d a Feb 4
i limited myself
on purpose
set up a procedure
for my future self
to pause at
a certain place
and be considerate
but when my warning arrived
from the past me
that turned future me
now to now me
and now me
and n o w me
i could still decide
whether to accept my
own rule or
completely discard it
and glimpsed i am
all the me’s
in all of the times
and in all of the projections
and in all of the reflections
Feb 4 · 139
a passing thought
a m a n d a Feb 4
what will happen
when the sun comes back?
what will happen then?
what will happen then?
a m a n d a Feb 3
will   things   love   time   thing   life   eyes   feel   light   people   mind   beautiful   thought   find   heart   man   place   face   moment   good   hard   night   day   imagine   earth   hope   sun   going   better   music   truth   hear   air   space   woman   men   break   white   suddenly   ****   understand   body   black   women   wrong   best   real   brain   art   word   cry   girls   *******   keep   remember   wall   fire   lies   path   pretty   sure   red   hold   blue   sleep   thoughts   thinking   speak   sound   human   terror   stand   tears   feeling   move   fool   dark   ****   matter   pain   voice   listen   sad   years   state   strange   learn   *******   water   sky   left   times   golden   crazy   record   forward   coming   person   wanted   fear   desire   bad   care   kind   felt   queen   sense   glass   making   winter   hair   days   deep   song   mine   true   power   long   dream   green   matters   breathe   entire   create   paper   single   woods   fall   lost   hey   realize   live   looked   stupid   knew   watch   beauty   moving   walk   quiet   strength   guess   decide   choose   close   help   silence   cold   reality   write   trees   fine   bright   pieces   feet   loved   eye   birds   smile   sister   cast   money   listening   bird   lines   question   honest   figure   hell   simply   gold   work   build   metal   fast   follow   lips   gonna   piece   blood   trust   ***   head   forget   describe   silver   silly   happened   color   bass   hate   wild   inside   hand   call   great   dead   walking   god   chest   big   ready   ideas   order   hands   grey   nice   year   afraid   car   game   pull   takes   paint   today   sadness   sounds   breath   burn   wine   high   lights   fact   job   clear   closer   point   grasp   cool   smoke   thinks   aware   minutes   heavy   stars   sake   full   ground   bring   straight   stay   throw   family   taught   waves   songs   second   children   literally   running   dreams   free   sit   alive   save   heard   open   easily   ways   education   nature   sweet   house   lose   happiness   death   wait   slowly   ago   tree   mouse   despair   bones   memory   fly   seek   storm   note   brilliant   circle   country   reach   side   wood   girl   hiding   baby   told   mitsubishi   boy   crying   yellow   retreat   corner   *****   story   moves   pretend   standing   boom   bed   meaning   guys   telling   cousin   whisper   watched   opponent   gaze   jesus   humanity   hot   cheese   slow   universe   warm   rush   soft   ****   escape   colors   gin   constantly   fair   imagined   leave   die   pay   young   gotta   utter   revealed   brought   school   leaves   data   clearly   apart   absence   guts   blankets   start   flow   idea   eat   liberated   happy   problem   nights   tiny   yeah   grow   dragon   arms   attention   orange   finally   recognize   force   seriously   play   sitting   wife   sick   opposite   expect   void   action   knowing   rare   purpose   deserve   strong   completely   teach   hide   shape   answer   father   simple   alert   sir   ice   turn   names   rage   decided   lives   perfect   circles   hours   wind   caught   tight   room   calm   worth   energy   future   liar   government   pink   falling   exactly   secret   challenge   vast   center   direct   lay   letting   stones   weight   surely   miserable   reading   assault   cuz   watching   happening   admit   met   serious   legs   president   stories   struggle   shine   shadow   unable   ahead   purple   smell   turns   worst   crushing   moon   shining   turned   roll   hurt   teeth   wanting   talk   child   land   angry   pounding   low   utterly   consider   failed   change   funny   mouth   held   distracted   feels   fail   news   empty   dance   ugly   mile   joy   raw   view   squirrel   teacher   dust   reasonable   fun   walls   fingers   road   complete   allow   touch   fed   confusion   reflected   growing   add   someday   paying   grass   born   strike   bend   pulling   brings   searching   dancing   burning   reaching   pretending   mirror   fight   violence   weapons
from my profile
17.1k words
Feb 3 · 126
some days
a m a n d a Feb 3
and apparently,
some days
your body hurts
and you peel
a cucumber in bed
when you realize you
should probably eat
and then you throw the peels
right on
the ******* floor
(just for now)
(just because you can)
Jan 29 · 145
open road
a m a n d a Jan 29
so sue me!
i like to drive fast
let me
have this one
mf joy
and just move that honda, boy!
crank that shaft, dawg
and just get out
the way, dude!
all you have to do
is get out
the way!
Jan 29 · 430
dust
a m a n d a Jan 29
if i were to
hear your voice
i would be
crushed to ashes
to dust
to gold
and thrown into
the sky
only to fall
as a star
to the earth
to dust
to ash
to particle
to light
a m a n d a Jan 29
sometimes you cry
when you are making soup
because you’re the
saddest of the saddest of the saddest
of the sad

.15mm dot after dot after dot
after dot
and line after line after line
after line

and you say what you
can’t say
without saying
a thing
Jan 22 · 611
b r a i n s t o r m
a m a n d a Jan 22
i suddenly know
what i would make
for you
(if i were a person
that made things
for you)
Jan 21 · 106
assume
a m a n d a Jan 21
i’m not good at remembering
dates or names or numbers
but i do remember this message
with utmost clarity

delivered to me in elementary school
sitting in a desk
silence
facing forward
toward the chalkboard
the teacher pointing
to the word “assume”
centered on the board:

arrows were drawn
and the lesson made clear

“when you assume,
you make an
*** out of
u and me.”
a m a n d a Jan 21
might as well
let fly the fear
of going back<<<
since it is
not even a place
and not even a thing
Jan 21 · 268
502 Bad Gateway
a m a n d a Jan 21
don’t tell me that,
i don’t like that.

what is it you
expect me to do?

identify the suspects?
map the connections?
follow the protocols?
test the responses?

-

it’s just that things are so fragile
the lines so thin
the intentions so pure
a m a n d a Jan 15
everyday i am born again
and everyday i die
Jan 15 · 119
lavender sage
a m a n d a Jan 15
sometimes the changing light
is a
blue-green
indigo-violet
turquoise-dream

and i miss you so much
that i cry
my eyes
right out.
Jan 14 · 102
remember forget
a m a n d a Jan 14
remember remember remember,
forget forget forget.
remember, forget.
r e m e m b e r
forget.
Jan 13 · 230
fray
a m a n d a Jan 13
pain p u l l s all
awareness
to itself
a m a n d a Jan 13
post your post your post your post
circle surrounds circle
surrounds circle
while
together we go down
for the sake of
your education.
Jan 6 · 179
m a k e r
a m a n d a Jan 6
you really only have you.

yet you are simultaneously
no one and everyone,
both everything and nothing.

and you cannot have anything,
not one single thing.

observe and reflect
absorb and reject.
build and destroy
build and destroy.
Jan 5 · 100
see without seeing
a m a n d a Jan 5
i had never even guessed
that anything
had to be undone,
let alone
e v e r y t h i n g .

or that so much
can become clear
simply by
asking the question.
Jan 4 · 539
there is no way to say
a m a n d a Jan 4
there is no way to say
what i cannot say
other than to say
i can’t say it.
Dec 2020 · 127
the observer saw
a m a n d a Dec 2020
where is home?
where is home?

it must be here.
my god,
it must be here.
Dec 2020 · 62
retreat
a m a n d a Dec 2020
i’ve been doing
     a lot of typing
     and deleting
     as of late.

     bringing thoughts
     to the present
     assigning letters
     and codes
     and then

b a c k

     letter by letter
  a retreat
to the succinct
the appropriate
the vague
the non-committal
the veil
the chain
Dec 2020 · 232
to see
a m a n d a Dec 2020
this layer of life,
(or living itself)
is permeable
variable
your ability or
even desire to see
hazy or
hi-def
seeing only what
can be perceived
in that
moment

to be fully present and aware,
to see all the layers
the tilt-shift perspective
the zoom in
the micro
the macro
the meta
the step-back
c l e a r l y

is such a rare
and beautiful thing.
Dec 2020 · 123
fucking FIGHT
a m a n d a Dec 2020
clarity can arrive and depart quickly
a vision through a tunnel
a sharp e x p a n s i v e place
slo-mo
o u t

just know
that once you are unleashed,
you are impossible to
once again contain

however,
you can go into
sleep mode
a haze of forgetting, ignoring, tolerating
forgetting
forgetting

but just because you forgot
does not mean
you cannot remember
although it
may be
very
very
very
hard.

if you remember
DO NOT LET GO
try as hard as you can,
and then try harder,
and then *******
try harder still

******* FIGHT
not to s
            l
              i
                p

however* you must
because
Y O U
must
save
y o u.
a m a n d a Dec 2020
i never think about my armour,
but i suddenly realize i have to
because there is no
"load previous save"
in this game.

there is no going back.
e v e r.

there is only
forward motion
with constant revision

and that is a hard thing
to grasp and hold

a strange place to be

forgetting and remembering
entire different
lives and selves.
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