She finally did it
She had the nerve
It came as easy as 1,2,3
For you and me.

This was her breaking point
Her time to fly high
End all this pain inside
to just call it her end.

In her manic state
Impulse hit her
She wraps the rope
Around her neck

She pulls it tight
Her tears fall
Her breathing becomes
Shallow and painful
The room starts grow dark.

Time passes
uncertainty as to how long.
What is going on?
Am I still alive?
Why is it so cold?

I'm numb.
I cant feel anything.
No pain.
No love.
Nothing.
Its...

Perfect.
After all this searching
For what is missing
I have finally found it!
I've never felt better!

Then...
I start to see a light again
and breathing becomes even more painful
and the pain starts to come back..

NO
WAIT!
I'm happy here!
I fight, I resist
I don't want to go back
I cry - more pain
I feel - more heartbreaking tears
I remember - more terrifying memories
The world growing heavier upon my shoulders again.

I'm back..
What I once thought for a brief minute or two was my new safe place, Inner-peace pain free zone was only an attempt.

Now the question that circles is
WHY did you save me?






Right before Christmas (2015) the stress built up and I "tried" to **** myself. Though i did succeed for a brief moment and it was an attempt cause my s.o. found me and brought me back to life. though i am still sitting here question why and wondering what my purpose is. Ive had a tad bit of writers block but i want to get this story out there too so this is all i can get hopefully at a later date there can be a better poem.

If anyone is struggling with depression and ever is stopping to this level I am here to talk and I encourage it all I needed that night was someone to talk to and no one was there for me prior to the moment.

roses were red
violets were blue
now they are black
i dont know what to do

my life is in shambles
my heart beats too fast
my stomachs constantly turning
and i find myself fumbling

i found a new hobby
one you'll love too
its called counting the lines
and colouring them too.

my choice is long
with lots to follow
as the red paint sets in
tears well in my eyes.

you see i draw with a blade across my skin and paint with my blood which seems so thin for it's pouring out fast and there is no telling if its stopping
I'm too tired to play more.
Good Night and Good COUNTING.

-been

Without pain
Love couldn’t exist
Without hurt
Love wouldn’t persist
Without regret
Love can’t resist

I feel deep again

The thinner air
At the bottom
Of the gulley

I do not remember
The taste of fresh air
Nor will it return to me

Even though she may already know,
I am afraid that my love for her is beginning to show.
Subliminally I tell her how I feel,
for a while now it has become easier to conceal.
Dismissive on the subject once it's brought to her attention,
hanging on every word while my feelings are left in suspension.
She has an agenda now with me excluded,
this choice made by her, sealed and concluded.
My feelings are still one in the same,
for this girl that has no name.
To think that this was the start of something to grow,
Unfortunately, she must never know.

If you are trying to change a; person, relationship,  or environment, and it doesn't change - leave before it changes you. Things are what they are; you have no control of that. You are what you will; you have full control of that.