I am the problem
I can see the annoyance
In their tired eyes

"I am so sorry"
"For what?" they spit like acid
"Existing, perhaps"

They are sick of it
My need for reassurance
My anxiety

Depression
Enveloping darkness swallowing wholly
Confused family hurting daily
Unhappy memories haunting mercilessly
Concerned friends worrying quietly
Prospective future slipping quickly
Oblivious teachers grading harshly
Low self-esteem dropping endlessly
Understanding lover comforting gently
Frigid emptiness bellowing angrily
Lively peers ignoring unintentionally
Selfish

Arabesque brown galaxies peer from behind rose tinted shades
As your soft pink lips plant
cashmere kisses that I crave
And when you leave, my neck is haunted
by the ghost of your teeth,
body still trembling from the
euphoria achieved

Staring at a citrus wall
My head feels heavy with alcohol
My lips taste glazed with
fermented grapes
But nothing is as sweet as
breathing your name

Sun kissed skin
I once kissed
Shudders beneath
New fingertips

There is so much
I need to apologize for
Even though
I already know
you'll tell me not to be sorry

I'll always feel bad
for the little things
like my smart *** comments
or my loss of control
every time I see a Volkswagen

But then there are the hard hitters,
matter on a larger scale
Such as my perpetual depressive state
or my impaired sense of
proper intimacy

My largest fear is you
one day realizing how difficult
I am;
I don't want you to learn to despise me
like all those preceding you

I'm sorry for being
so very broken
You don't need to pick up my pieces
But if you'd like to,
I might not argue

You're ******* the marrow
From my brittle bones
Leaving decomposed white shells
Within the wilted flower that is me
But I forgive you
Once
Twice
Three hundred times over
I know you're struggling with porphyria
I know you're projecting your
"daddy issues" onto me
But if it hurt so badly when he left you,
Why do you subject me to the same pain?
Why did you want her but not me?
She is no princess and I am no peasant
I don't want you, not one bit
Life would be a breeze if you would have just left forever
Though I need you
You and I, we're more alike than I care to admit
We're both users
Searching for affection in enigmatic futures
Rather than addressing the wounds of broken childhoods
But in doing so,
We're breaking adulthood
Burning bridges we haven't yet walked
Extinguishing trails unblazed
Never exiting a situation unscathed

My motor skills are failing
The pen wobbles in my hand
and fights the flow
I'm making co2 deposits
and having oxygen withdrawals
Hazy thoughts like incense smoke
expand my skull and coat my brain in
a diaphanous fog
My heart is a thoroughbred
careering for it's life
Pleas tease my tongue
behind clenched teeth
as my eyes brew storms never to
cascade
Moisture develops in my shivering
palms
though my throat has become
a desolate desert scape

I thought I was free
No, I KNEW I was
I'd witnessed myself crawl
helplessly out of the
merciless void
that sticks like
steaming tar
to my scarred skin
I prevailed only
days ago
Now it's as though
I've plunged
back into the abyss
that torments me so
with its
labyrinthine passages,
none of which truly lead
to the
romantic lie of
happiness
Like a sinful Puritan,
I fear the
inevitable dark,
for in the
absence of light,
I am punished by
mental illness
for innocent actions
the depression deems
"heinous"
So kiss me while you can,
I'm growing more exhausted
everyday
Hold my body while it's warm,
the blood that
courses through my veins
will soon instead
flow to the bathroom floor
Take my breath away
before I take it for myself

I arise groggy from a sleepless night
I truly do want to get out of bed
But still, motivation escapes my sight
As all these bad thoughts stew within my head

Waking up itself is a victory
I feel anything but proud of my feat
My day will entail the same dull story
And by the time night falls, I will be beat

It is a struggle to walk the hallways
Stress rearing it's ugly head back at me
I can't shake the tired feeling for days
Vision blurred by the negativity

I'm finally home, exhausted, I weep
I'll do what I do best and fall asleep

It's 2:06 in the morning and I'm
laying here screaming into my pillow
as the fear creeps in to steal what's left of
my sanity

If only the ink flowed from my pen as
artfully as the crimson from my wrists
Perhaps then I would not want to marry
the blade to my skin

I'm losing my willpower not to cut
I found an old suicide note today
I'm still not sure why I never made use
of it

Though my palms sweat, my forearms are shaking
I'm starting to drift into a world where
dreams I won't remember will torture me
to consciousness

I just want to close my eyes and never
see any of you again; maybe then
I wouldn't be able to burden you
anymore

I will miss everyone when I am
gone; I hope my selfishness won't hurt you
as much as my selflessness has hurt me
Goodbye