your name is
forbidden in
my mouth
or in my heart
because when
i think about
you;

i'll cry a little more,
hurt a little stronger
love a little softer
because you no longer
make me feel sober

i'm drunk on the
memory of you

“Social media is taking over our lives,”
she tweeted angrily.

People like us
like to keep things from other people.
We don’t find it rather comforting
to have others meddle in our business.

But sometimes,
it’s nice to let the world know
that I am yours and you are mine.

But then--
how could we
when we can’t even make the story of us a possibility?
When we’re unsure of what’s true,
When we are but a secret?

- c.s. (070518)

taking the blame has never been easy for anyone.
it's a shame that it took hundreds of days,
plus months of isolation where
some terrible truths have been confronted,
for me to admit not only
have I been hurt,
so badly to the point my bones ache for me,
my eyes forced to take the weight of simply surviving,
and my feet won't stand at the thought of you;
I also broke some others just as bad.
I should go back in time and apologise
for reflecting my hurt onto something
so wholesome and pure but
"I’m sorry"s sound like such empty promises now and
I should know because
I've been on the receiving end.

I’d like to believe in fairytales.

But where’s the one where the princess
hurls her body over the toilet
in order to rid the knot that’s in her stomach.

The one where she argues with the voice in her head,
then disappears for weeks on end,
having to lie to her friends
“I’m fine.”

The one where she finds her “person” charming
time again and again and again
in several different bodies.

And time again and again and again,
they leave her disappointed and wondering
if her happily ever after resides in the strangers
who take up her bed in the morning.
Charming.

But this happy ending doesn’t end with a prince charming,
a broken curse or a “happily ever after”.
This one does not even have “The End” in joint italics in the credits.

This will be a happy ending
with the battle with herself as the final chapter,
neither winning or losing, but drawing.
and her credits will roll in joint italics “The Beginning”.

I’d like to believe in that fairytale.