I want to bottle this moment
The moment I knew I had met angels
The curl of your smiles
The twinkle of your eyes
The sound of your laughs
I laid on a bed the color of the clouds
You danced around as you painted your china faces
We talked about what we wanted to be and what we had already done
We flipped our hair to the beat
We sang without the weight of insecurity
That is when I knew
When I knew you were sent to me from God above
When I felt the heat from the vents
Saw the light from your phone
When I flipped my hair and screamed out lyrics
When for the first time in a long time I felt free
I don't know how God knew I needed you
But I did and  now I won't let you go

Why don’t you smile anymore girl
Why don’t your eyes twinkle anymore
Why don’t you laugh and twirl
Everything seems to be a chore

I watched my grandma’s memory turn to stone
She was no longer free
I watched her feel as though she were alone
All I could say was, please don’t forget me

I grew up with her making me laugh
She helped me through it all
She was my other half
And refused to let me fall

She never failed to make me smile
She hugged me whenever I cried
She always went the extra mile
But then she started to forget

She lost her memory and would sometimes cry
She forgot any feeling of glee
I didn’t understand why
All I could say was, please don’t forget me

When she got older and older it got worse
I didn’t know who I should be
It felt like a curse
All I could ask was, please don’t forget me

I told her not to leave until I was ready
She thought I was
But, I don’t know how to remain steady
Death has no clause

Don't call me a ***** because I stood up for myself
Call me a ***** because I am so much more than that
Call me a ***** because I am an unapologetic feminist
Call me a ***** because I am stronger than you will ever be
Call me a ***** because I trusted you
Don't call me immature because you can't take what you dish out
Call me immature because I believed our friendship was real
Call me immature because I thought you cared
Call me immature because I do not let you walk all over me
Call me immature because I want my first kiss to mean something
But please
Do not ever call me your friend again

It is kind of funny
It has been 7 years since I heard the silk of your voice
Since you let me sit on your lap
Since we laughed
I lost you
Then Nana
Now I lost G-Ma
I think I am loosing myself
But every time I start to slip away I think of the oceans you called eyes and keep swimming

I trusted you
I listened to your intricately spun webs of words
I believed that you were just hugging me as I felt the breath leave my lungs
I did not feel the lies tighten around me
I did not realize I was stuck until I was caught in your web
You know I am not upset about the boy
I am upset that I laid down and let you trick me
I am upset that I became your latest victim

When you give a girl a dog you give her a best friend
Her hand becomes forever intertwined with a paw
She will rush home for school and run to hug her best friend
As she gets older she will confide in the dog
She will wait for her dog to be next to her before she starts crying
When she cries she will only feel better when her dog rests their head on hers
She will run to the dog whenever she is scared or sick
She will find comfort in the dog when she panics
Her dog will make everything seem better
When the dog begins to get old she will refuse to believe it
She will not accept that she will lose her best friend
Until you come home and tell her she only has one more day
She will cry and sit with the dog for hours
She will spend all her money on treats for the dog the night before
She will become numb to the world around her when she says goodbye
She will want another dog immediately so she can try not to think about it
She will refuse to think about it
Until she calls out for her dog, her baby, her Pepper and does not hear the click of her best friend's nails on the floor
She will wait for the barks that begin at 4:30 every night
She will lay where she used to with the dog
She will cry every time she thinks about her baby
She will yearn for the barks that once annoyed her or the constant barks
She will miss feeding her dog under the table
Or the times when they would dance together
The feeling of her thick fur under her hands
Or the fur that would somehow end up everywhere
She will feel as though there is no light without her dog
But she knows that those 12 years 88 days were the best of her life
She will never want to trade anything for that time
The laughter through the tears when she finds an old photo will change everything
She will remember that she shall reunite with her dog at the Rainbow Bridge

I want my best friend back
sometimes I just want to take a shovel and dig
Dig to see if you are actually there
I want that plot to be empty
I want my heart to love again
I want to live with you
I want you to eat jelly donuts and spill them all over you
I want you to tell me I grabbed the wrong egg

I used to love to count the rings on your fingers
Each came with a story and stayed on your fingers through it all
Your engagement ring was my favorite, star colored band and a diamond so glistening the angels were jealous
Sometimes if I close my eyes and imagine hard enough I can remember your smile reflecting off the pool of diamond
The day the ring left your finger even the angels cried out in pain
The ring ceased to be surrounded by the magic it used to
The band turned to a dull silver and the diamond lost its shine
The ring I used to believe was more beautiful than life itself no longer shines

Your eyes are like sunflowers
They light up the world like the sun on earth
Your petals droop as the other flowers try to reach you but
Fall to the ground instead
Even as they fall around you, you continue to reach for the stars
The stars everyone tells you, you can’t touch
But day after day you stretch and stretch until you can’t reach anymore

Hi its me
I know we left it on bad terms last time but I promise I've changed
I've been feeding you alright
I even sleep sometimes
How are you?
Are you feeling better than last time?
I care for you now
I promise
No, I'm not lying
I won't hurt you again
I promise
I'm so sorry body

I... hiccup
I... hiccup
I... hiccup
Never mind... hiccup
Every time I try to talk to you I come down with a case of hiccups

Dearest Depression
I was finally happy with myself
Thanks for ruining it

I hear a knock on the door
I look through the window to see you
A cloud of darkness
I didn't invite you in
But you somehow got in
I don't want you here
I don't want days where I don't want to leave the house
I don't want to cry for no reason

Open the door and walk in
keep your head and don't avoid faces
say hi
make your presence known
well that's what i wish i did
i had enough courage built up in the hallway
but with my hand on that door
i forgot what courage feels like
so
i walked in trying to make the least amount of noise
looking at the syrup i dropped on my shoes this morning
made sure not to say anything
instead i didn't even say hi to my favorite teacher
i approached a chair and realized someone was there so
i searched for a place to sit
i opened my laptop and decided to just observe never talk

i want to apologize to everyone i've judged
you are amazing and unique it
may not be obvious
but you are loved if
not by your
family, you
are loved
by me

everybody has sad stories
maybe we just need to learn how to hear stories other than our own

"look at anxious annie, anxious again"
"why is anxious annie always crying"
oh annie how naive are you
you can't have nice things
you don't get to have true friends
best friends never keep secrets
you told her everything annie
you told her how anxiety was the only thing that could hurt you if people made jokes
when she suddenly decided to call you anxious annie you should've known
you built up those walls so high but she weaseled her way in
but when you forgave her that was your fault
you told her about carving your wrists
you shouldnt have been surprised when everyone knew the next day
or when people started staring at your wrists when they thought you couldnt see them
after all annie
isn't the phrase
fool me once shame on you
fool me twice shame on **me

Dear eliot@hellopoetry.com
how does it feel to control thousands of poem
to decide which are good enough to be the poem of the day
have you ever written a poem
was it slam
was it funny
how do you decide who represents their feelings the best
your work seems underrated
so thankyou
thankyou for making the tough decisions

when you say my name i can hear birds singing
its the middle of February and the birds have migrated
but
i still hear them singing

in this room i am the youngest, smallest
i hear pieces of tens of conversations
never getting to taste the full conversation
the pieces i hear are made up of knives instead of words
each letter is another rope tying around my neck
the walls seem like they are closing in on me
i am waiting for the pain signaling there is no more space for me
my throat is tightening in the anticipation of someone noticing
noticing the girl in the corner of the room
the girl with sweat collecting on her forehead
behind her glasses she is trembling
but no one notices
after all
who notices one girl in a crowded room

dear feet, I am sorry for dragging you around all this years
I am sorry that you never got the chance to feel the up and down motion known as a happy walk
dear legs, I am sorry for hurting you
I am sorry for leaving scars on your beautiful skin, I am sorry that I look at your marks of growth with disdain
dear hips, I am sorry for always squeezing you
I am sorry that when my pants are too small I still force you in
dear stomach, I am sorry for hating you
I am sorry for pinching and hiding you away
dear lungs, I am sorry for making your job harder
I am sorry to trying to poison you by standing too close to my uncle and his cigarettes
dear fingers, I am sorry for always scrubbing you too hard
I am sorry that I twist you all around when I am scare
dear hands, I am sorry for making you hurt me
I am sorry for making you scar my arms and legs
dear arms, I am sorry for pinching the skin on you
I am sorry for being disappointed in the fact that my bone isn't replacing the skin
dear shoulders, I am sorry for keeping a weight on you
I am sorry that you have never relaxed
dear face, I am sorry for covering you up
I am sorry for not loving the freckles that make me, me
dear lips, I am sorry for making you bleed
I am sorry that I bite you until you bleed
dear hair, I am sorry for chopping you off every time you begin to grow
I am sorry that you can't be long because I am scared of new things
dear body, I am sorry
I am sorry I don't love you but I am trying
I am trying to love you

Dear Little Me
I am the only one allowed to call you little, if anyone else tries to, stand up fill your stomach with air and laugh
Laugh because you can and when they ask you why you are laughing say because I know I'm not
When the boys glare at you for answering every question correctly
glare right back make sure they know what a strong smart girl looks like
they will be scared
they will act out but you will always be smarter as long as you don't engage them
When you go camp that first year, don't be ashamed about crying because you're scared
remember those tears are washing away the dirt you got everywhere dragging your bag to your cabin
when your best friend finds someone new you are allowed to cry you are allowed to scream into your pillow but you are not allowed to yell at them
when you get thrown into lockers you are allowed to poke at your bruises

Dear you
you who never turns down a warm cookie
you who always gets chocolate right...there
you who decided when you were six you were the next president
you who decided others rules were just guidelines
you who decided you wanted to be a ninja turtle when you were 12
you who never seems to be able to pin back that piece of hair that is always in your eyes
you who decided the world was your playground
that is you
not this person who can't find a reason to go on
not this person who looks at your best friend with empty eyes
not this person who has to ask permission to speak their mind
not this person who can't remember the last time they felt warm inside
that isn't you and never will be
so please just remember I know you
the real you
so dear you I love you, the one who loves candy at 2 in the morning and can't decide whether ice cream or cake is better

I can't remember the last time I chose who I was
I am always the girl everyone says I am
They called me sweet so I turned my hair to cotton candy
They told me I was innocent so I hid my body
They said I was understanding so I threw my thoughts in the trash
They whispered I was empathetic so I sent my feelings away
They called me cheery so I pinned the tips of my lips to my ears
They told me I was friendly so I decided to pretend I wasn't scared to say hi
They said I was fair so I made myself blind
They whispered I had changed so I felt myself crumble
They yelled at me what to be and when I wasn't perfect they started over
They ate my cotton candy
They ripped my clothes away
They dug my thoughts out of the trash
They called my feelings and brought them back
They tore my lips from my ears
They scared me into not wanting to say hi anymore
They gave me glasses
They stopped 'fixing' me
Now that they've stopped I don't know who I am
Am I still sweet, innocent, understanding, empathetic, cheery, friendly, and fair?
I don't know who I am now that they've stopped telling me
Maybe I'm nothing
Maybe I'm everything
I don't know what or who I am now
I need someone to tell me
I miss who I was pre-them
I miss who I was post-them
I don't know who I am
Who I'm supposed to be
or
My identity

It's interesting really that everyone says goodbye at the end of a conversation yet when it comes to life no one every says goodbye

When your heart stopped beating I wonder if I flashed through your mind. Did all the times we laughed go through your mind? It's not fair Grandpa you get to hangout in heaven without a hole missing in your heart

I have to walk around each day without you and I don't know how I do it because my whole expands a little bit each year. Every December 17th I feel my eyes start to moisten with tears that I haven't let out since the year before

sticks and stones may break my bones but
names with make me cry

sticks and stones will produce broken bones that may show up on x-rays but
names will show up on my arms and hips

sticks and stones may be thrown but
names are shot out

sticks and stones may be seen but
names will stay in my mind

sticks and stones may bounce off but
names will tie themselves around my neck

sticks and stones may bruise my skin but
names will make me die inside

I would like to apologize for my very **** outfit
I mean who wouldn't be turned on by my button up shirt, tights, skirt, and boat shoes
Clearly I was asking for you to grab it
I mean I was basically wearing a sign saying grab it
I deserved the anxiety attack it caused me
I 100% deserved showering for an hour to feel clean
I hope you're happy
I mean I won't forget it
If you ever need a reminder check the notes you carved into my wrist

When I was 6 I fell in love with bubblegum
the way it tasted the bubbles
I could make
I'd always have a piece or two in my mouth
I'd run around always find a way to swallow it by accident
I would think about the gum
How it traveled down my throat
How I felt it slide down
How it seemed to be caught in my chest
I'd cough and choke trying to make it come out and it never did
When I was 7 I fell in love with Coca-Cola
I'd drink it almost everyday because I liked the bubbles in my tummy
I loved being one of the big kids who were drinking coke
I would sit with my princess crown and bangs drooping over my face quietly drinking my coke and nodding my head like the big kids
I liked it until I realized the caffeine made me nervous and being a big kid wasn't all that fun
When I was 8 I fell in love with mint chocolate chip ice cream gum
I loved that I could chew as much as I wanted without actually eating
I would keep a pack in my back pocket and after each piece I'd lick the wrapper
I'd sneak it to school everyday
Then I realized whenever I chewed that gum I thought of my grandpa and his love of sweets
When I was 10 I fell in love with cherry cough drops
I thought that if I always ****** on one the anxiety would stay away
I believed that my anxiety came from the air so the cough drops would keep them away
I believed these cough drops until the sugar started to overwhelm me
I found out sugar made me anxious and decided that I'd have to find another way
When I was 11 I found mint gum
I became addicted
Instead of a packs of cigarettes I was addicted to packs of gum
I'd pack them into my mouth until there was a wall where the anxiety couldn't get in
I'd lick the wrappers so the anxiety would stay on the wrapper and not in my mind
I'd always have gum on my bedside in case I got nervous during the night
I'd wake up the next morning with the gum still in my mouth, it tasted of regret
When I was 6 I found out that bubbles aren't always fun
When I was 7 I learned growing up wasn't too much fun
When I was 8 I realized all that's ice cream is not sweet
When I was 10 I learned sugar wasn't good even in cherries
When I was 11 I got addicted and never went back

When I felt as though I was going to implode you hugged me till everything was better
You wrapped your arms around me until my broken pieces fit back together
It's been a month yet you're already a sister
I can't imagine what I'd do without you on my side
I don't think I could survive

I want you to text me I love you when we haven't talked all day
I want an I love you in the halls at random times
I crave the syllables that bounce out of your mouth when you call me 'your girl'
But I don't want
Ily, why bother is what you're saying I can't type the extra 7 characters
Well if you can't type those extra 7 characters maybe I can't text you anymore after all too many letters
I don't want
Love ya, what are we 5? Tell me you love me or say nothing it's not that hard
If you ever dare text me I (heart emoji) u, I will delete your number, i deserve more than an emoji and two 2 letters

I deserve paragraphs of you proclaiming your love for me or even a sentence asking to talk for a little bit

I don't deserve three letter texts but after all maybe you dont deserve these two letters

Me

When I was 10 I had my 1st crush
He had everything a 4th grader could ask for
He brushed his teeth and never threw spitballs at me
It was love, until he stuck gum in my hair

When I was 12 I thought I was in love
He was the hockey player with a glowing smile
I didn't care if he would talk to me I just wanted someone to find me cute
It was love until he decided to tell everyone how big of a loser I am

When I was 13 I thought I had found the one
Red hair, slight lisp, and an amazing smile
We'd stay up till morning wondering if the stars shown for us
It was beautiful until my friends told me he was a year younger so it's not allowed

When I was in elementary school I never understood why no one else would shake with fear
I would feel a hug of cold air around my body
I'd ask if anyone else felt it and when no one did I thought I was insane
Then I'd start to shake and lose control of my hands
You're such a freak I'd hear as I slowly lost control
My mind would go blank and suddenly I thought I'd be sick
I ran to the nurse where she called me a drama queen
My teacher ran in after and pulled me back to class
I didn't know why I was only half of what others were

In middle school, I learned not to mention these feelings
Everyday before school I would be reminded don't tell anyone how you feel
When those cold hugs started to envelop my starved frame I'd spit fire at everyone
Instead of caring about what others said I'd immediately shoot a smart reply
When my teacher asked me why I was so rude I asked why she cared when no one else did
I wanted to be like the girls who came to school skipping and laughing
I wanted to be whole

In junior high, I locked myself in bathrooms
I'd have to be drugged until I couldn't feel anything so I'd go to school
When I felt numb I started to miss feelings so I slowly dug silver into my wrists and slowly stopped putting food into my body
I learned that the only thing that would make me feel whole was people liking me, so I made a self improvement list
I stopped swearing, I said I loved pink, I said I wanted designer dresses, I said I wasn't myself
Even then I was never whole, I craved love
I craved the warm embrace of others replacing the cold hugs of anxiety
I craved love, I wanted to be someone to love me

In 8th grade I realized those improvements didn't make those cold hugs go away
I decided that maybe if my heart stopped beating everything would be better
When my heart fought my attempts to silence it I decided that maybe I deserved those cold hugs

Now in high school, I realize that I was not being me
I attempt to embrace those cold hugs back
I start to slowly do what society tells me is uncool
But I will never be able to feel whole until I learn that hugs and I love yous may make the anxiety go away for a little while, I have to learn to love myself cold hugs and all in order to truly be whole

But I don't want to be strong, I want to just be

When I was young I'd count to 6 on my pink painted fingers
1, 2, 3, 4, 6
My teacher would always scold me for forgetting the number 5
She'd shout, go into the corner until you can count correctly
I'd sit in that corner day after day always repeating the same thing
1, 2, 3, 4, 6
My teacher would grab my hand and point to my right thumb and say 5, that's 5
1, 2, 3, 4, 6
I started to build a world in that corner
My friends were all numbers
1 was smart and kept after the other numbers
2 was the rebellious genius
3 was the Homecoming Queen with a song to change the world
4 was artistic, her painting could make the world look grey
6 was clever and the one from another group that everyone cared about
then there was 5
1, 2, 3, 4, 6
1 went with 2
3 went with 4
and 6 went with them all
1, 2, 3, 4, 6
5, 5 stood by herself while her sisters 2 and 4 would have fun
5 watched as her brothers 1 and 2 spent everyday together
5 watched as all the numbers accepted 6 as one of their own
1, 2, 3, 4, 6
When I explained this all to the teacher she would always ask why would 5 always watch
I would reply 5 is the one who ruins family trips with her tears, 5 is the one who makes everyone stay home, 5 is the one who won't go out to eat, 5 is the one who shakes and cries with anxiety, 5 is the one no one wants to be
1, 2, 3, 4, 6
My teacher told me that one day I'll learn to love the number 5
But here I am years later
Counting on my fingers covered with chipped nail polish
1, 2, 3, 4, 6

Send someone to me
Someone who can warm me with kisses
Send me someone who will sit with me when my legs don't work
Someone who will teach me how to love myself like they love me
When I shatter someone who will pick up the pieces and use their kisses as glue to stick me back together
Send me someone who is ready to be loved
But most importantly send someone to love me
Whether its at 2 in the afternoon or tangled in the sheets on Sunday
Just send someone who will want me shattered or whole

I hope you know Grandpa it's been 5 years and whenever I'm upset I still  imagine you hugging me

I hope you know its been 5 years and I still haven't stopped missing you

"I guess, I love you"
"You don't have to love me"
"I do but you see when you say you love someone it gives them the opportunity to hurt you worse than ever before"

I love angles now for some reason
Maybe because a right angle will always be 90 degrees
Maybe because I relate to the obtuse angle too much
or
Maybe it's cause when we look at numbers maybe we finally add up to something

Maybe I love the rain because someone else is finally crying with me

Maybe I'm scared of thunder because I'm too used to my shine being screamed at

I dream of being a skeleton
tracing out each rib with my fingers
holding my thigh between my thumb and forefinger
to study the human bone structure by looking in the mirror

I dream of the day my waist size is too small for a size 00
when my hip bones can balance trays on them
when the salewomen tell me all of the clothes here are too big for me
when I am full after half a salad

I dream of the day I look in the mirror and am confident I won't be called fat

5 years since
you told me you loved me

5 years since
you gave me a hug

5 years since
we played checkers with your medicine

5 years since
you got a cold that seemed to be there for months

5 years since
my mum told me that you had ALS

5 years since
since i cried about you being sick

5 years since
I cried myself to sleep

5 years since
mum rushed to the nursing home

5 years since
i hugged your limp body in a ******* box

5 years since
i put the stuffed animal i made you lay in the box in case you got scared

5 years since
i cried as they lowered you into the grave

5 years since
I was put into therepy for depression

5 years since
I cried my eyes out at your grave stone

5 years since
I lost one of the best friends I've ever had

Welcome
Welcome to the home of the mentally ill
Where you are not only forced to get better but to do it with a smile
Welcome to the home of the beautifully insane
Where the differences are ****** into a vacuum and stored away from you
Welcome to the place with big doors and locked bathrooms
Where even your shoelaces are considered a weapon
Welcome to your home for the next week
Where darkness and monsters lurk around each corner
Welcome to a group of friends you'll love more than anyone
Where those people are the only ones helping you
Welcome to the Mental Hospital
Hope you're planning to *stay

Yesterday you said not another day
Today you say you meant it
Tomorrow you think well maybe its not that bad

With every throwback of my head I felt the artificial happiness circulating
The smiles that were etched on my face
The laughs that were played on a machine instead of my lips
Those dull eyes must've been a tell tale
Yet
No one noticed those eyes lacking sparkle
No one noticed when those smiles became small then extremely large as if by magic
No one noticed when those laughs became plastic
But
Then again
No one noticed
When those smiles became real
When those laughs became songs
When those eyes started to twinkle

Has it stopped?
Tell me has it stopped?
Can I speak the truth now?
Because right now nothing can come out of my mouth
Can I rip away my mask I've been hiding behind all these years?
Can I defend the victims of bullying without being shamed?
Is bullying still a threat?
For now only 12 hours ago I watched a tormentor sink his teeth into the exposed flesh of another
I couldn't find my voice scared that my neck would be the neck one ripped apart
Boom goes the shot of words and as the bullet pierces another victim I stand feeling guilty as I stare at the girl feeling nothing at all

4 painkillers every day
2 in the morning
2 at night
1 for the pain you have caused
1 for the pain to come today
1 to think life is worth it
1 for the past and everything that has been
Tho I've tried many times to find what works for me
I find the only drug that helps is you

You see I hate my life yet I am too cowardly to end it so I sit on a throne of lies, I tell myself
I sit saying I am worth it and the reason I can't do it is because I know it
Lies
I sit saying that I will grow up and my anxiety and depression and old and scars won't be there everyday
Lies
I sit thinking my favorite teacher doesn't think I'm annoying
Lies
I sit thinking someone with love me
Lies
I sit believing I have a purpose
Lies
I sit believing my 'friends' like me

But the worst lie I tell myself is that I will **** myself but I know I won't because cowards don't get happy endings

One day that smile will become forced
The sparkle in their eye will disappear
Slowly that laugh will become less frequent
The monster will truly show
For those monsters are not under their bed but in their head
You can’t hide so don’t even try they will find you
You can call them crazy now, just remember
When their monster came out you laughed
Now those monster possess your voice
So next time they try to hold in tears just think
You are what causes them to wake up screaming
You are the voice in their nightmares
You make them slowly lose hope in the world
All I ask is next time ask yourself is it worth it?