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I wake up each morning wondering if the life I’m living is one worth it.
I wonder if the choices I make today are the decisions that happiness will bring me tomorrow.
And I dread that one day I will say I regret.
How can you live in the moment, in the now, if you are always trying to plan for peace?
How can you be content when there is so much more to do?
I wonder when my time will run out.
I ponder If my depression adds value to the important moments.
Is my depression not a handicap but fuel for the jet taking me to a life worth living?
To a life full and empty and calculated and spontaneous and happy and sad and full of regret or hazardously without?
The poet lives two lives.
One on the outside,
And one in their mind.

When you look in their eyes
You could see an abyss.

If you looked long enough
You could sink into it.

But most people don’t see it.

Take the time to read the words, though,
And you would know for sure.

The poet lives in two different worlds.
A little escape from the madness.
Or maybe, into.
the heaviest rock is heart
difficult to carry
softest point is heart
difficult to touch
empty room is heart
difficult to enter

difficult heart
do you know
I live in this own world that I created!
I created my own rules!
Away from the world that I hated!
Living with these narrow minded fools!
There isn't a bed time nor a time to wake up!
It's just things that I make up!
You are who you are here!
No worries no fear!
This world is small but has one open mind!
Place where you find!
Find yourself, Find who you really are!
These place is wierd, but pain is far!
No animal to live, no birds to fly!
No one to say Hi, No one to say bye!

  -Vivek!
There is too much regret
In unspoken words
The quiet thoughts
Whispered only to the moon

There is too much longing
In wishful thinking
Daydreams
Can quickly become a nightmare

There are too many tears
Spilled onto pillows
Over suffering and longing
From words unsaid
I starve my body in hopes
it'll nourish my mind
I toy with the idea
that I could feel any emptier as I skip meals
and stick a toothbrush down my throat

When I sit in front of the toilet
I wonder
If I was so small
I disappeared
How long would you mourn me for?
March 29, 2018
I wish I could sleep peacefully like a housecat,
snuggled into a reclining chair,
without a care in the world.
But instead
I toss and turn with the thought
that I’m not sure where I’ll be resting my body to sleep
6 months
or a year from now.
I lie awake with the worries
of missing home and feeling guilty
for leaving my needy parents behind.
The thought of distance separating you and I,
causing us to not be together
keeps my eyes open,
so that I cannot close my eyes to sleep -
not even a wink.
Mother, you don't know how much you're missed
You dont know how much tears I have shed

Words can't describe my endless pain
The pain that's true suffering and vain

It's been years without hearing your voice
I have to live with the agony I got no choice

Your image can't escape my eyes  
While your body in the ground lies

Your beautiful smile is still shining till this day
It's the reason I will continue living all the way

All the moments we lived together
Will never be repeated again ever

All what you have taught me won't be forgotten
It's marked in my heart till the day I will  rotten
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