Things just seem so weird without you, I don't know if I'm still in love with you or the idea of you either way i cant get you out of my head even if i tried and it so hard to explain and talk to anyone about it because i feel like its always gonna be the same response. i will say it took me time to get over you, and now I'm afraid of falling in love again or even saying i love you. I'm so scared that something so precious to me will be taken again and I'm just not ready for it. I wish I could just know the future already without having to go through all the pain.
I just want to know if ill ever be happy again...

i don't want to fall in love again, i don't want to start over and most of all i don't want to forget the comforting feeling I had when you where around. I was in love with so many things, the sky, the rain, the trees, and even the flowers but i was in love with you first. I don't want it to be over even when i know I'm hurting myself, i don't want to forget you. I don't want to forget the way your face would light up when your favorite song came on, I don't want to forget how you would stare at me when i told you i loved you, i don't want to forget all the good times we had because it was the best time of my life and i don't want to let go of that...I don't want to let go of you. I cant let go of you.... So please, i beg of you, don't forget about me.

The best memory I have of us is from April of 2014. We had just celebrated our 6 month anniversary a few days before and my birthday was less than a week away. I was extremely happy we had been together so long and so excited to be spending my birthday with you. Everything was perfect, and we were so happy. Our hands were locked within eachothers as we walked to our usual spot after school where we then waited for my mom to pick us up. You threw your backpack against the wall as I gently placed mine next to yours. I was so focused on my phone and was scrolling through my Facebook feed. That's when you came up from behind me and wrapped your arms around my waist. You began to attack my cheeks with your kisses. While I was laughing you leaned in for a kiss. My heart melted like butter inside. I put my phone away and put my arms around your neck as I looked into your eyes. Then we layed down and you held me in your arms. You were so slsepy and even though your eyes were closed and you couldn't see me, I couldn't close my eyes because they were set on you. I was studying every feature on your face. Your chin dimple that you hated, I had found so adorable. Your rosy lips I looked forward to kissing every single day. Your messy hair that I loved to run my fingers through. Your soft skin that you always loved to moisturize with lotion. You were this beautiful creation of God that I was blessed to call mine. I couldn't spot a single flaw and every detail of your face I remember so ******* well. It was that moment that I realized how much you meant to me. You were my whole world. In your arms, the way we were, it felt so right. That was how I wanted to sleep every single night with you in our future once we got married. I was so convinced back then, at age 14, that we were going to get married and start a family. Afterall, you were all I needed. Then suddenly you opened your eyes and saw me smiling at you. You began laughing. You said, "what are you looking at?" Holding back my tears of happiness I replied, "my other half. The person I want to spend the rest of my life with." Then we both looked into each others eyes and I gently placed my hand on your cheek as I continued to admire your face. Looking at you that very moment I felt so many different things, all at once. I felt complete in every single way, my heart was beyond satisfied whenever I was with you. Looking at you at that very moment I realized how much I was willing to sacrifice so I could just be with you. While I was still in the middle of my thoughts, you kissed me. "I love you so ******* much baby girl and I'm never letting go," you said to me. You pulled my body close to yours and began to cuddle me. "Babe...", I said. "Yes princess?" It took me a while to think of how I wanted to say what I was thinking, so then I just came out and said what was on my mind. "Do you promise me you'll never leave me?" You looked at me with that beautiful face of yours and said, "I couldn't ever leave you, even if I wanted to. You're everything I've always wanted and I love you more than you'll ever know."


And that was the most beautiful lie you ever said to me.

the best memory I have of you is when we were both laying down in your bed and it was 8 o'clock at night and your parents went to the gym. You plugged in the Christmas lights you had in your room which I always thought was the most beautiful thing to see because you looked up and stared out the window and for a moment I saw you day dream and smile and it made me the happiest person to see you look so beautiful and happy under those lights. I turned on the indie/alternative station on my phone and when I went to lay on your bed you were there waiting to lay in my arms. I wrapped my arms around you and kissed your forehead because at this very moment I knew what I want in life, I saw my whole future and it was being spent with you. As we both stared at the ceiling you asked me “do you think I would be a good mom?” And without hesitation I said “Hell yea!, no one can compare to you” you simply turned red and smiled and laid back into my arms. A few minutes passed and you ask me again another question “why won’t you ever cry in front of me?” I stood in time, and not because it was a odd question but because I knew the answer to it. I smiled at you and replied “because I have nothing to be sad about when you’re around” you quickly but softly looked at me and told me ‘that wasn’t enough’ so I continued to tell you that when I’m around you I feel so free and happy like nothing can phase me, the only time I cry is when I think about how my parents abandoned me…I soon could feel tears fill my eyes but started to wipe them away before you saw but it was too late. You moved my hand and told me to keep going and don’t hold back, so I did but this time I was different. I told you that even though my parents chose different paths without me didn’t mean I was gonna let them bring me down, and when we have kids I will love them with all my heart and be there whenever they needed me, I was gonna be the best ******* parent ever. I didn’t realize it but when I looked down at you your eyes were filled with tears and your face was so red and you quickly hid your face with your hands because you hated the way you looked when you cried but funny thing is I never saw you cry either. I pulled your hands down and whispered to you

“keep going, don’t hold back.”