The perfect amount of salt
It dissolves in my mouth
Melting on my pancakes
Complimented with sugary flakes
Dipped in syrupy lakes
My fruit salad with grapes
Bananas and apples too
It's too yummy to be true
While butter is still melting
I dig in, it tastes overwhelming
~12/5/21

That one wilting rose in a blooming batch
That one wrong stroke in a masterpiece
That one broken pixel in your screen
That one sour grape in a bunch of sweet ones
That one useless child
That useless child, with no worth to this family
~19/5/21

Every ma'am
Is the tightening of a noose
Is the sharpening of a blade

Every shower
Is the collection of pills growing
Is the note being revised

Every she
is a punch in the throat
Is one step closer

One step closer to the end
Because I cant wait to not feel this



But then I get called sir
I get called them
I get called him
And it's one step back from the rope
One pill flushed
One note ripped up
One more day I will stay alive
Because I love that feeling

I can feel it getting tighter
And
It's strangling me

My heart racing
And
Head pounding

I thought this was gone
But
It's back

I was done with this
But
I guess not

Someone help me
I'm suffocating

Ice
A knife

There's blood
There's so much blood

This is not what I wanted
I just wanted it gone

I have a crush on death
And it's growing every day

                 I grab the bottle

Maybe its time to slip away
Into the darkness
Let the pain swallow me up

                 I take off the top

My thoughts would slow and
Soften to a hum

                 I reach for the rope

My eyes would close for the last time
I never have to see myself again

                  I tie the noose

How wonderful it would be
To never have another thought
To never hear my voice again
To finally make it stop

                  I revise my note
  . .
   . .
    . .

But
This is just a reckless fantasy
A way to elude reality

                  I put the bottle away
                  I untie the rope
                  I place the note with the others

        Take a deep breath and
        Keep these moments to myself

little me, why so sorrow?
what makes you disconnect?

seeing your body in pictures
sent shivers down your neck
the rhythmic beating
pounding as an alarm
body restless
when will you get rest then?

little me, you waited quite a while
family's opinions turned vile
it didn't matter much
you never connected
only as much as
a charger is to phone

escapism buried her
when he could be online
reversing roles and affirming yourself
only gained so much self help
a tool to be unlocked

little me, you had blocks in front of you
you played with them as trial
until they weren't meanwhile
so what did it mean to you?
what did you learn?
how did you grow?
what did you learn?

little me, you're too young to understand
one day you'll find who I am
we've always been together
tight knit and forever
don't lose the game of cards  
unless you want your graveyard