loneliness consumed you
while you were busy finding distractions
your eyes sunk deeper, your nights darker
you found a marker and wrote it out in black ink, you left half a cup of tea by the sink,
one final reminder that you could never clean up right, your scars were not quite healing
men came and went like hopscotch manic feelings, daily warfare, gentle as a tide though
you would let them in just to let them go
crafted a plan to **** yourself
because you didn't know anything else
but the bottom of a bottle you swore you didn't drink you spent 11 months sleeping on the brink of death
loneliness consumed you
you took the bad parts, shaped them into something you could swallow and fell in love with the high from your insides eating you alive now you're full of sculptures you gave up on years ago and maps of places, far away, where you'll never get to go
because you're bed ridden and tired, you're only 20 and you did it, you have carved yourself entirely empty

She tasted like cigarettes and whiskey... she wore red lipstick and a tight black dress.
I didn't feel a thing for her except envy when we first met.
She told me with a smile I couldn't handle my liquor and I laughed in her face and swallowed that Whiskey straight down.
She grabbed my hand and we were gone.

The next night she tasted like Vanilla and Chai.. she wore black ripped jeans and purple lipstick.
I didn't feel a thing for her except humor.
I told her with a smile she couldn't handle her liquor and she laughed and swallowed that Scotch straight down.
I grabbed her hand and ran .

One more night and she tasted like bubble gum and spice... she wore a black sundress and combat boots.
I felt like maybe I was falling in love with this girl.
She told me with a smile that we should get some drinks since we both can't handle out liquor.
I laughed and grabbed her hand and we walked off to the bar.

i come with baggage
more than i can hold, i pray
that you are stronger

- p. winter

Never again will I let myself be someone's back up plan.

I was a back burner, in the shadows, half forgotten back up plan. The last thing to be thought about, and the person to be considered least. I was a placeholder to keep the loneliness and isolation at bay.

All I wanted in life was to be made to feel wanted. To finally be able to claw my way up the priority list. Maybe that's what it was.

I was not a priority.

I was nice to have around. Convenient.

I mean, distance, seperation, empty promises... I took all of it. But not only did I take it, I returned it with love, patience, loyalty. I gave time, money, energy.

Everything I had.

Everything that made me who I was as a person.

In fact, I gave so much that I lost who I was. I forgot what it was to be...me.

So when he left, when I was no longer convenient to him, he took everything with him. My laughter, my joy, my ability to find the silver lining in any situation. He took my faith, my trust, my belief in others...

But, he did leave me with something at least.

He left me with a shattered life. He left me with trust issues. With depression, and anxiety attacks at work. He left me with more tears than can be counted and endless empty tissue boxes. He left me with a shell of who I once was.

And he was gone.

I guess when it's not a priority, it's easy to leave. When the one person who sacrificed everything she had...who gave every piece of herself.

But, HE was his priority.

So no. Never again. I will never be a back pocket, third place, maybe one day girl. I will never let myself beg for affection and love again. I will NEVER be made to feel unwanted. Forgettable. Disposable.

I want to be wanted. I want to be THE priority. Because when you truly love someone, they will always be your priority.

Otherwise, you never loved them at all.

Just the convenience of them.

I had a dream last night.
We were at the airport.

Tears were welling up and the knot in my throat threatened to break free.

You poked me, with your typical smile,
You said...

"Hey! Don't cry! It's not like this is the last time you'll ever see me!"

The **** broke.
My half laugh/half sob burst out.
And through the tears I said,

"If only you knew how wrong you are...if only you knew what you're about to do to me."