You came into my life
Searching for safe haven
Figuring you’d find something less
But no, you found much much more
You fixed me when I was at my worst
Laugh with me when I’m at my best
Everything is better when I’m with you
M y   b e s t   f r i e n d
My anchor

The night you took my heart
The relationship with my best friend tore apart
I tried to think it wasn’t my fault
Though, from the start I should’ve know the trouble you brought
She said she was fine
That she was happy you were mine
If I had only known from the start
You were going to break my heart

scrub scrub
brush brush
you’ll never be perfect
you’re not good enough
no use in wearing makeup
it can’t work miracles
besides
you can barely get out of bed anyway

slip on that sweatshirt
baggy to cover your fat
look at those fat thighs
the flab on those arms
no wonder everyone who loved you has left

fat
ugly
cover yourself up
shorts are a battle
bikinis an impossibility
might as well just give up

body positivity only works for pretty girls
and trust me
you’re not one of them

The alarm buzzed.
I didn't hit the snooze button.
Instead, I woke up. I woke up and it felt different already.

I didn't love you anymore.

I didn't want to stay in my bed and cuddle with you. My bed sheet didn't smell like you. My misbuttoned shirt didn't crave for your attention. Nor did my shabby hair locks long for your touch. My room felt bigger, brighter. And the frosty window pane looked clearer than before. The walls stopped closing in. I could see things vividly. I could hear my heartbeat. I could feel the warmth of my hands. I could move my lips. My neck felt less burdened. Most importantly, I could breathe, normally. My eyes weren't watery anymore and that pain that weighed down on my chest was long gone.
All that gone. Just like that.

I didn't love you anymore.

I didn't think of you in the shower. Your thoughts never came rushing into my head. Your memories didn't bother me. My morning coffee tasted better and the newspaper made much sense. The last voicemail you send seemed cracky and those photographs on the wall were all washed out. I forgot your smile, the way your eyes glanced into mine. Everything about you was a faded memory now. For the first time in many long years, I felt no pain. I felt free. I felt like myself. I felt alone. But being alone didn't scare me at all. Being alone felt natural, quite natural.

I smiled. Just because.
I didn't love you anymore.

Sometimes i know that in my poetry
I cant copy the lyrics i see
That as the sweet melodies wisp around my ear
I can never recreate the notes i hear.

As a poet i feel inferior
And it shakes me to my very core
But as a listener i feel superior
Because the themes are unlike any I’ve heard before

And i wish I could play more instruments
Because mine don’t always cut it
Sometimes i cant peel back that layer of reality
To see who I’m supposed to be.

It’s time for me to disappear
I’ve overstayed my place i fear.
It’s time to once again recluse
Rather than tying a noose.
It was lovely while it lasted
But the pain is started to imbed
So I’ll leave instead.
Hide within myself again
The way that it’s always been.
I’ll put on a fake little smile
No one will catch on, at least for awhile.