I am gone
The girl I once was
Escaped with every cut
And ever name I was called
She left with the bruises
I took from you
And all the things I couldn't do
The innocent girl
Is now replaced
With a girl
Who can disappear
Into the background
A girl
Who flinches at every touch
And thinks she will get slapped
At every second

Dim light or day light
Maybe it was both at the same time
You always held soft light
Made the harshest room warm and colored
You sat
Holding the sides of my thighs
I stood
Resting hands on your shoulders
Sweatshirt and hat you stole from my drawer
I looked down into eyes that matched mine
That one moment
Was the first
Like red flowers taking seed and blooming in my stomach
Growing into my throat
Threatening to show between my teeth
That one moment
I knew I loved you

Day light or dim light
It was both at the same time
You made me hold a soft light that day
The room was so soft
The kitchen so colored
You stood
Stirring sausage gravy
Adding more pepper
You remembered how I’d cover my eggs with it when we’d go out to breakfast
Warm biscuits and Nora Jones  
Wrapping my arms around your waist
That one moment
Was the second
Flowers blooming again
How perfect it would be if…
How perfect it would be…
How perfect it would…
How perfect it…
How perfect…
That one moment
I swallowed.

There is a large metal box in the corner of her office
With thick steel chains
And a padlock on the latch
I was here
In the middle of a black leather couch
When she first tore the tape off
Of a wet cardboard box, falling apart at the folds
Contents spilling out
Leaving stains across the gray carpet
Couch
Bedroom
Purple and green comforter
No
Go away
Not here
Not today
This wasn’t okay
These are things that are not supposed to happen to little girls
I remember
I don’t want to remember
Get out get out get out
I’ll take this to my grave
Everything would change
No
He said “Don’t tell”
It’s ****** up that I still won’t
Only she knows
Only he knew
You never understood but I never held it against you
I did not want to tell you
But when pleasure became please don’t touch me
you needed to know why
Ashamed
Embarrassed
Not right not right not right
I do not want to open that box
No not tonight

He is standing in front of the bathroom mirror
Counting hairs on his chin
Two more than yesterday morning! He says giddy with excitement
That’s great dear.
I wrap my arms around his waist
Boxer briefs
And a bound chest

I remember the pretty blue dress
How I wanted to unzip it
Slide it off
And watch it hit the floor
It would have been so easy to touch him
Am I a bad person if I say I miss it?

New jaw line
New voice
New body
Can I still see you the same if you look like a stranger
I’m terrified
Terrified of waking up and not feeling the same I did yesterday

He never lets me see him naked
Without his armor
Ace bandages
Black boxers holding silicone between his legs
That isn’t quite the right color

There is no life there
No blood
No warmth
I like his face over me
Clawing at his back
I can look into his eyes
But I know he can’t feel anything
He won’t let me
He leaves his shirt on

We play this game of touch-me-not
He always wins  
Once a month
3 to 7 days
He calls himself an abomination
Not quite man not quite woman

He says we don’t fit together
Because I am an outlet but he is not a plug
He says we do not match up except we do to me
We match up in the way you smile when you catch me looking at you
We match up in the way you make me laugh
We match up in the way you linger even after you have left

This. Is. Hard.
I may not bind my chest
Or wear boxers
Or jab myself with needles every morning
But I am a girlfriend in transition too.

Little girl and red shoes
tiny feet tapped up my spirals of stairs
She twirled through my watch room
I was happy
She visited everyday to have tea with me
To her, I was a castle, a classroom, a secret hideaway
She pressed her body, open armed, into my stone
I wish I had the arms to hug her back

I saw her grow
She’d visit me less
But still came to talk to me
I was happy
I saw first kisses
I saw heartbreak
I saw her grow up

I saw her get married
That night, they danced through my tower
I embraced them in warm light
I wish I had the voice to sing them music to sway to

I saw her grow old
She still came to change my light
Even though the ships never visited the shore anymore
I was happy

She was always in my tower now
Folding paper
more and more
Piling up at the corners of my room
He had to make her leave and go to sleep at night
thousands thousands thousands of gifts from her
I was happy

Feet tap up my spirals of stairs
It’s been so long
My light is dimming and it needs to be changed
Don’t go just yet
Stay a while
Dance and twirl through my tower once more
Let me embrace you in the soft light
The moon looks beautiful
Where are you going?

Please remember me
Why don’t you remember me?
No one will change my light
And you’ll just feed trees that will be used to make paper which will be returned to the paper you left on my stairwell

She visited with him
I wish I had the mouth to smile at her
He helped her change my light
And I was happy
It was the last time I felt her feet on my stairs
But I was happy

I.
Wild and lonely skies
Reds and yellows painted on clouds
Roses on the side of our brick house
A dream that's slipped away
News of a day I'd forgotten
Still I live on for one song more
They haven't paid the rent
There is no heat
I can't afford to turn it back on
The floors are stained
The beds unmade
No matter how much I scrub
It never gets clean
They bring men home that break vases and leave hand prints on the windows
But I still lift the covers
Let them crawl into bed with me like the dishes were clean, like there wasn't broken glass on the floor
I wish this was a one night stand
I could sneak out
shoes in hand
Tiptoeing around the books on the floor
But I still live for one song more
And I slip back into him as if I'd never slipped away

II.
Wild and lonely skies
An endless loop of coffee shops and classical music and falling in love with strangers
Strange perfections and sweet echoes drip from rose petal lips
Like a dream lonely voices wake to remember

5am is for sleepless lovers
Stars beginning to fade to a purple sky
Birds awakening with song outside open windows
Wishing your body was pressed against mine
We tread on forbidden ground
The space in between our lips begging to be broken
As my hands underline the important parts of you
Hip bones
Belly button
Fingertips
You tell me “you’re so soft”
Words I’ve heard fall from the mouths of many a lover
But never has it sounded so sweet dripping from yours
5 am is for sleepless lovers
Watching eyes flutter in and out of sleep
Listening to heartbeats slow and race with every touch
Whispering truths and dreams and pretty lies
My, what a mess we’ve made
How I wish to hide in 5am with you
Away from the universe
Where sleepless lovers lie

I became aware of **** culture when I was in eighth grade
I heard it every day
As if **** was a word to describe attraction to someone
It became a joke as it fell from the lips of 13 year old girls
Like undigested food and lip gloss
They became accustomed to the saying
“It’s not **** if you yell surprise”

I was a freshman in high school
When a boy sent my friend a text message that read
“you’re so cute, I wanna **** you”
And she took it as a compliment
I was a sophomore when my health teacher said if you are ever about to be ***** yell fire
As if **** isn’t serious enough for people to care

We live in a world that punishes women before rapists
Because the first thing the police will ask is what you were wearing
Girls are taught to cover up every inch of flesh
To shame their bodies
Because showing too much skin could provoke someone to **** them
As if it is their fault For someone else’s lack of control

Because we teach girls how not to get *****
Instead of teaching boys not to ****
I’m afraid to even walk to my car alone
And I hear that word fall from the mouths of middle schoolers like a joke they’ve just heard
I cringe and look away
Because we aren’t laughing.

Because you’ll never see the northern lights
because you’ll never travel the world
Because you’ll never get a tattoo
Because you’ll never buy a house
Because you’ll never see your brother get married
Because you’ll never hold a baby
Because you won’t be able to blow out the candle that’s still burning in your room
Because you’ve never had *** with someone who didn’t leave bruises
Because you’ve never touched anyone that you felt oceans for
Because you’ll never get closure
Because I’ll never tell you how I feel
Because you’ll never get over your stage fright
Because your friends care about you
Because maybe you like me too
Because weekends when you are home is all your mother looks forward to
Because your dogs won’t understand why you don’t come home anymore
Because your parents shouldn’t have to bury their daughter
Because your roommate will find you and never forget how you look heaped on the floor
Because you’ll never get ******* tab dividers to organize your ******* binder
Because you can do this
Because there’s a universe inside of you
Because you’ll never finish telling your story
You’re ripping pages out before you’ve read them
Doesn’t it scare you that you’ve only left 23
Because you deserve more
Because it will get better
Because I love you

The existence of us lied purely on conditional probability
The probability that event A will happen with the knowledge that event B has already happened
And if you asked me why I kissed you
I would tell you I liked when our probability was me over you
With your hands laying tangent to my curves

I kissed you as much as I wanted and as much as I could
If you asked me why I kissed you goodbye
Even though you were not mine
It was because time is only ever ticking away
And if I run out of time
I can’t kiss you

The probability of you calling me beautiful was a 0.25 on the qualitative spectrum
Unlikely.
But you did and your voice sounded like honey
sticking to the heartstrings in my chest,
filling in the cracks,
it was sweet

Our probability quickly shifted from me over you to 1 over 6
very likely to unlikely
and the conditional probability of you leaving seemed to take over any set equation

I saw the curve in your lips decay faster day by day
The eyes that I tried so hard to catch mine
Don’t even make the effort to look in my direction
And the honey you left in my chest turned sickly
And it’s been there so long I think I’m attracting bees

I lay my hands flat on your chest
and I am touching you because I can’t help it
because time is only ever ticking away
And I’m crying
Why am I crying?

The memories are rushing back
Your hand on my thigh in that blue dress
Your arm around me in the parking lot
I remember it was warm and you were talking to my mother

You always had the charm to make me dance
and that night I felt you in my bones

50/50 I thought we were 50/50

Now I’ve always preferred chemistry
And we felt like a combustion formula
But we were just probability and statistics
And I’ve always hated math