I don’t believe in a god,
But for some reason I still pray to one.
Promising I’ll change my ways if he helps me,
just this one time.
But he never does,
So I don’t change my ways
I don’t believe in a god.

Grief is my substance of choice.
The pain
And hurting
And longing of loss
Is the most bitter sweet pill,
And I swallow it with pride.

I might not have felt the deep suffering
That sets my bones alight
For a while,
And instead of enjoying
The pleasure of peace
I inflict it instead on myself.

Little taunts that run through me
Are set as reminders.
A humbling form of dissonance
To ensure my self loathing
And agony
Remain.

I’m not quite sure why,
It doesn’t make me feel any better.
It doesn’t make me love
Or cherish
Or hope
But still, I anoint myself
The dealer
Of those little bitter sweet pills,
That put the grief in my bones.

Sitting here waiting.
For what?
For a sign or a chance or an invitation.
I don’t really know.
But maybe it’s time for me
To become a sign or a chance or an invitation.

To stop waiting for the world to love me,
And instead learn to love myself

If jealousy is a disease
Then I am sick.

My lips, chapped and bloodied,
My brain heavy and hardened,
Constantly filled with the worries
Of someone else’s wants.

The need to progressively feel
Like my doings
Are somehow
Better than yours,
Has shallowed my cheeks
And paled my skin.

My bones are brittled
With the comparison
Of somebody else’s capacity for excellence.

It isn’t fair you know,
How some people just get life.
They seem to tip toe on the earth,
Barely causing a ripple.
Any commotion they cause in the delicate balance is quickly restored.
They get it.
The world gets them.

Why is it that I cannot tip toe?
I run, I stampede, I break.
I am destruction.
The world shatters around me like a glass that slipped through fingers.
Why does life not get me?

Morphed by love
And held by hope
My body has unlearned
The hardships it has crossed

Good for now
The rest is welcome
But pray for me
If once more I must live
Through them again.

When I lay in bed
Body tired, lights off
But mind on
I write words in my head.

They rarely rhyme
Or have any real basis,
Ragged lines
Slipping in time.

Emotions and feelings
Jumbled and digressed
Blurred memories
Torn into segments
Of little, poorly formed
Ellipses.

And I have the nerve
To call myself a poet.
Because when the words form
They resonate
Within me.

They make me feel everything
And nothing.
And sometimes,
When you read the scattered formation
Of my
Deepest
Darkest
Brightest
Most hurtful thoughts

They spark something within you
And you can begin to feel your
Deepest
Darkest
Brightest
Most hurtful thoughts
And you too, become a poet

To be honest
it's hard to see the bigger picture
when I'm surrounded
by incomplete works.

But maybe the point
is not to get to the end
or to celebrate our finishing's.

But instead it is to feel
the journey
and not mourn the missing puzzle piece,
but rather
to enjoy the pleasure in finding it.

One day I’ll open my eyes
And feel relief.

It won’t ache,
And for the first time
In a Long time,
Sadness will not be my only belief.

For the first second
I won’t think about it.
I will open my eyes
And see the sun.
I will hear the birds,
And I will feel their peace.

I will bathe in the beauty
That surrounds me.
Skin soft. Thoughts soft.
My life won’t be on lease.

One day I’ll open my eyes,
And feel
Relief

I gave you little pieces of me
Prettily packaged
In little red ribbons.

They weren’t mine to give,
Not really anyway.
But still
I presented them to you
On a polished platter.

You took them,
Discarding of the ribbons
Without even acknowledging
The time I put into
Shaping the perfect bows.

You ripped the paper,
Shredded and discarded
On the floor of your room.

You locked up the contents,
I couldn’t get them back.
So I returned to you
With more parcels
Of me.

Hoping you’d give back
The pieces you’d taken,
If I trusted you with the rest.

You never did.
And here I stand
Broken and missing.
You’re taking someone else’s
Pretty presents now.
But I have nothing left
To give.

Maybe they weren’t mine to gift to you,
But they sure as hell weren’t yours to take.

In the midnight dark
Of my lonely room
Your name spills from my lips.

Not in the way of romance,
But in true despair.
The further you go, the more you slip.

Not even a shadow of you remains,
There is no light here to reflect your silhouette.
So instead your name gives me solace
For one last broken night.

Tomorrow I will let myself forget you.
I will breath out the last of your air
And inhale my new beginnings.
The sweet relief of freedom will make me once more bright.

What made me so unlovable to the stars?
Was it the broken scars
That surrounded my broken heart?

Or the melody that ripped
From my chords
When I spoke?

Or was it the moons
Who gleamed and shined?
Did they distract you,
From my beauty beneath?

But let’s not blame others,
For the destruction we’ve caused,
And seek for ourselves  
what tore us apart.

The duller I get,
The brighter you shine.
So what made me so unlovable,
To you,
My golden star.

Whenever I think of happiness, I think of sunflowers.
The funny thing is, I don’t even like sunflowers.
They’re obnoxious.
Loud.
Vain.
They are tall. Stretching to the sun, selfish.
They are bright. Blinding all who look at them.

But they are unapologetic.
They love. They are love.
They live their life.
They are confident.
They are everything I need to be.
They are happiness.

I’m sick of being lonely
In a pool full of people
Who’ll only swim towards me
if I swim to them first  

If I wasn’t the one
Who always picked up the phone
Went to your name
Typed out a message
And pressed send

Would I ever hear from you again?

If I wasn’t the one
To call you up
And tell you how much
I missed you

Would I ever hear you say the same?

How do I tell my mother
That the reason I refuse
To clean my room
Is because I swore
That before I could **** myself
I would leave the place sparkling for her?

How do I explain
That every time she begs me to pick up
The ***** clothes from my floor
I refuse to do so
Because I am begging for thread

Praying for a reason to hang on
Other than my ***** room

It’s hard,
Wanting someone who doesn’t even know you exist.
A world full of people, and you chose them.
And they choose their person,
Who doesn’t even know they exist.

I tell myself I lie awake at night because I like the peacefulness,
It’s quiet and I like the silence.
No one can bother me,
I can do what I like.

It’s far from peaceful, the silence unwelcome.
Along with it comes the thoughts.
No one has checked on me in days.
Maybe I’ll do what I crave.