When it rains and pours outside
It feels like maybe, just maybe
The universe sheds tears for you
When you can't cry for yourself

Staring at the waves of the sea
Wondering how cool it would be
To get lost in its blue madness
Instead of drowning in sadness.

It may seem hard, and even impossible at first, and you don't know if there will be an end to this pain. And it IS hard, difficult, frustrating and annoying. That's how you know the path is worth travelling. But the only way you find out whether you heal, is by trying. By trying, failing, giving up, and trying again. By taking that first, second, fourteenth or hundredth step. By giving it your all. If getting through this is important to you, some way, some day, you can do this. I don't know when, I don't know how, but I know you can. You are good, and worth having in this world- it will not be the same without you. No matter how strongly you feel otherwise- there are people out there who love you and have been illuminated by your light- not because it shined any brighter or differently- but because it was there, and it made a difference. It doesn't matter if they know or realize that. You need to know that. You make a difference, by being here. Those fears and demons in your head- they are there to remind you that there is good worth fighting for, and that there is a heaven, a paradise that you need to get to through them. You deserve a life without the trauma, without the past ruling you. Listen, let them be- but don't let them consume you. They are not you- they are remnants of a forgotten time, a forgotten self, a past self, habits and routines that need to be forgotten. And in time, through hard work, they will lose their hold, and you will have new habits, routines, people, a new you to rely on. Believe in that. You are whole, no matter how broken you may feel right now. You are whole.

When I found you again, after years
My body felt alive, with you so near
My heart, unsure, skips a beat, hesitating
It almost moved on, it was tired of waiting.
Yet it remembers to falter for you
Muscle memory remains as good as new.
But I know, in my soul, within my mind
That you're not with me, I can be so blind
That all your tunes, you always sing for her
That your beautiful words, they are for her...

And as I listen, I can't help but wonder,
'Am I worthy?
Will I be worthy of those words someday?
If not from you, from someone else?
But can anyone ever really match up to you?'

Give me another sign
If you've seen the future
Illuminated by morning light
I am a lowly creature.
I'd pray without tears of fear
I'd pray with a smile on my face
I wish I could pretend to you
But I vow to cry in disgrace
So only you shall fully know
What I truly feel inside
My fears, loves of the unknown
Chinks in armor I wear with pride.
I'm living on a prayer
To keep an ounce of trust
That the world will right itself
That I will not combust.

Love is pain, the bleeding of a soul
A wound that doesn't hurt, when made whole
Joined with another, in a unique way
Rising together to face a new day.

Yet when torn apart, the pain flares once more
Memories haunt, they bruise, marring it sore
The spirit endures fresh cuts trying to heal
While losing the will to move on, to feel.

Does anything matter, if it's not displayed out there?
Does it really, truly exist, if it is not shared?
Is it honestly worth doing, if no one else knows,
Invisible yet impactful, like the wind blows?
Musing at the crack of dawn, a sleepy Saturday
When one can't see, how do they find a way?

Now that you're gone, I wish I could say bye
If there was just one more moment we shared
I'd tell you, and hope that God would be kind
But He wasn't, and now we lie, shocked and scared
All I can do is offer these poor words
And dream that you'd notice them, with love
Maybe you'd smile, and shine brighter in grace
Perhaps fill our lives again, from above.

Cannot speak a word
Devoid of expression
Only having tears to offer
How long will they spill
Before they leave too?
How long must one walk
Before their legs fall off?
How long must one break
Before they're put together again?

All I want
Is to sleep away
The nightmare
Of reality.

She's the better one for you
I know, I know that well
Go out with her, bend my heart
It won't break under your spell.

It's just a crush (I tell myself)
I'll try to work my way through
But just for now, I won't lose hope
That we could be me and you.

I'm a scared train running away
Help me, I cannot feel my brakes!
I want to live for one more day.
I only need to know what it takes
To be calm, to find peace again
To try and become what I once was
Proud, a master of dealing with pain
Not this broken coward, this lost cause.
Hope, are you out there? Don't elude me
I've been calling your name for so long
Perhaps you think I'm not worthy
Give me a chance- I'll prove you wrong.
Lead me to safety, to my track
This quiet unknown might be my end...
Guide me to an honest way back
Just this once, could you be my friend?

Alone again
By myself
(I chose this)
Man is a social animal
I don't know anyone here
Everyone I know is so far away
I'm drowning, I'm drowning
(I chose this)
Thoughts are louder
They're consuming me
I'm fighting to stay alive
(I chose this)
I'm trying to stay sane
I'm trying to find hobbies
"Don't wallow in self-pity"
"Go out and do something"
I'm trying
(I chose this)
I don't regret it
But God, it hurts
(I chose this)

I'm the lone star next to the Moon,
Watching you gaze at her in awe,
Wishing you were seeing me instead.

I'm tired of stories of success in life,
Diamond worlds that shine through the ages
Tell me of when they were heartbroken coal
Read me the pain within countless pages
The hardship, the despair in rock bottom
The seven seas of tears from broken pride
Show me the canyons they carved in their path,
Shattered walls that led to the truth inside.

Teach me their history, I'll believe they're real,
Maybe with some hope, I can try to heal.

All the world's a stage
And all the men and women merely players;
Acting to the best of their ability
As they pretend, pretend, pretend
That everything's fine, that it always will be
Through tempests of unrelenting storms
Because the show must, it must go on.
Whatever would happen
If it had to stop?
The theatre crumbling out of existence?
What would they do, who would they be,
Where would they go
If they could not act anymore?

Maybe there's a point in everyone's life
When the words just stop feeling good enough
When our literary rivers stop flowing
And writing poems, stories, anything, is tough.

Perhaps we must wait for the ice to melt
When the writer's glaciers will start to thaw
At different, unique times for all of us
And we'll find words again, heartfelt and raw.

I'm a train that's off the rails
With its brake stuck
With no one to pull it back
And I know, I do know
That at some point I will crash
And I'll wonder why
Why I didn't stop myself
But I'm so tired
I don't know if I can go on
I'm looking for strength
For the discipline
For the fortitude
Within myself
To replace the brake
Dust off my wheels
Pull myself onto the tracks
And start over again.

Billions of stars in the galaxy
Would anyone notice
If one stopped shining,
Winking out of existence?

I feel like I'm seeing myself from above
Wondering, 'Why aren't you someone I can love'?
Imperfect, awkward, boring in some way,
Active at times, lazy the next day,
Why can't I be what I'm supposed to be,
Why is it a chore to try to be happy?
Some find joy quickly, to others it's elusive,
Maybe it's something that's exclusive
Was that in a memo that somehow got lost?
While we now pay the price, alas, what a cost!
I wish I knew where the answer would lie,
I hope I figure this out, before I die.

Perhaps I'll never be
The one
Who's always on your mind
But know this
I am content
With being an afterthought
As long as
You think of me.

I hurt you
You tell me that I'm forgiven
I hurt you
How are you so kind?
I hurt you
I can't live with this
I hurt you
How do you even trust me?
I hurt you
It cannot be, I can't believe it
I hurt you
I will never forgive myself.

I'd have to go out to find words,
I've used the ones I had at home.

I've lost my good pen.
Try as I might, to write well
My words still fail me.

Hi to everyone reading this.
I just needed to write this after a particularly depressing day with the thoughts in my head, and because I feel so lonely, and this is, I hope, a safe space to express that.
It's been years since I went home, and I can't go now because of travel restrictions during this **** pandemic, I miss my family and it sometimes feels it's been so long since I felt genuinely free and happy. I'm reverting to old addictive habits to cope, which are detrimental to my mental health, because I don't know what else to do, also because I don't know if there is an end to this, to keep holding on. I miss my friends, and it's been months since I met any of them. I haven't seen people my own age for what seems like forever, and I'm afraid I'm becoming something I don't recognize, that I dislike. My career feels like it's at a dead end because job search during this time is heading nowhere, and I've been looking for nearly a year now, while working at a job I really hate. It's no use opening up to people in my own life because I've done that enough and more times than I can count, and I'm tired of sounding like a broken record about things I cannot change. I'm sick of lockdowns and restrictions and stay-at home orders and social distancing and feeling so utterly hopeless I can't breathe at times.
I know I'm privileged, I know I'm lucky in so many ways and that there are so many in the world in a worse position than my own. So it feels absolutely ****** to even write all this down. But I don't know how to deal with all of this and I'm feeling so, so tired that I fear I may do something I regret. I am scared and hopeless and at a loss. Everything hurts, and every breath seems like a waste.
I'm looking for help, but I don't know how to help myself because I feel so useless. It seems pointless.
If anyone reads this, please know that I am trying, I am fighting very hard. But today may be the day I give up because I do not see the point anymore. **** covid. **** this pandemic. **** everything.

I live on top of my very own tree
Lush and green, just like all my friends
They long for the fall, when they'll touch the ground,
Must I go along with this trend?

It seems so pointless, waiting for autumn
Staring at the sun, playing with its rays
I'd rather be here forever and grow
I don't want to waste the rest of my days.

Alas! This wish was never to come true
I fade to brown, bidding goodbye
I join the wind, that guides me to the earth
In my next life, I'll reach the sky.

I'd like to belong, for once
To fit without standing out
To be one with my own crowd
That whispers so I don't have to shout
To hear my voice, feel my soul
To know I'm not led astray..
Now I yell to make my mark
Yet I'm ignored anyway.

I've been writing from the throes of Winter,
Frosty words forming from the sullen snow
With tears that freeze into harsh memories
Building ice sculptures I could have let go.
Perhaps it's time I sow the seeds of joy
In the fresh soil unveiled as the winds blow
If I tend to them with hope and sunlight
Maybe the verdant words of Spring will grow.

I wish
Oh how I wish
it weren't so hard
To be strong.

Hold on, it'll get better soon.
One day you'll find the strength to pull yourself up,
And it'll be glorious
Like moonshine on a rock,
Like the sun over the seas,
Like new waves on a forgotten shore.
You will make your mark, and it will not go unnoticed.
Rise up, stranger. You are loved, and so very worthy of life.

I'm a long line of rope
With twists, turns and knots made through life,
Just when I start to have hope,
Something comes over me, with a knife,
Taking me apart, thread by thread,
I can't see what it is, only that it hurts,
I don't know when I will be dead,
I don't know when it will be worse,
I can't feel my body, day by day,
I can't remember the last time I felt whole,
It seems so dark, I can't find my way,
A thousand cuts taking their toll
I'm falling apart, nowhere, everywhere,
Who knows how long I truly have left?
If I have to take a few risks, if I dare,
Perhaps I'll be strong when I'm laid to rest.....

You are the river, the one that seeks the sea
Changing, powerful, strong, you go along with the flow
Following every impulse, soon, you will reach her.

I am a tree at your side
Living because of you
We will never meet again
You can't stop for me
Yet I fall for you anyway.

I hide from my reflection
While you clearly see through me
I look for mirrors to find myself
Yet somehow when I'm near, they disappear
I'm stuck in this constant chase for identity
I have to run, or I will sink in place if I stand still
I think friends, girlfriends will help,
A new perspective, one, two, multiple, perhaps,
In the end I'm looking for my happiness, this asymptote,
That zenith that everyone seems to feel,
That elusive peace, one day it will be mine
It's a wonder why you stick by my side
What's in it for you? Potential? A future?
Have you realized it yet, what you're doing?
You seem so self aware, that I forget you're human too
I think on some level you're a computer program,
Carefully compiled lines of code,
When you are all over the place with emotion,
I see who you truly are
I see someone I relate to, someone like me, whom I understand
I see someone I can love even more
Why don't you leave, if you're not getting what you want?
You say I'm not going anywhere because I'm scared...
Maybe I just don't want to..
But dare I ask, sweetheart,
Aren't you on some level, settling, too?

I don't know if I'm saying goodbye
I don't know if I must laugh or cry.
My heart feels as if it's torn in two
I don't know if I'll get over you.
9 years I've waited, through ebb and flow
But I'm too tired now: I'll let you go.
I'm not giving up- I tried my best
I've merely failed in life's arduous test.
Someday, if we ever meet again
Remember these words- your last refrain
"I cannot give you more of me
We do make a great fantasy
I hope someone does make you real
In time, I'll learn the way to heal."

I'm a dead-eyed damsel who wants to fly
Who's too scared to leap- and doesn't know why.
Forever in distress, I lie in wait
Till some hero swoops in and saves my fate.
Alas, he doesn't arrive, and I die
Drowning in the pool of tears I cried.

Will these hands ever stop writing for them
Hoping they'll read, understand and smile?
When will this soul learn to detach itself
Wishing they'll feel it, and stay awhile?

Will this heart ever stop beating for them
Stealing the life from this mortal shell?
It'll suffer in silence with all its pain
If it means they'll be happy and well.

Why do we love so much...that it hurts?
Will this heartache be worth it one day?
Can we heal from the wounds that no one sees?
Will you ever answer those who pray?

My mask is made up of elaborate lies
If anyone found out what rests beneath,
There would be... everything to despise.

It gets heavier every single day
With each untruth put to make it strong
It's so difficult to keep it away.

Will I ever detach it from me?
Could I perhaps learn to breathe again
To live away from the misery?

Thank you for your words
They made me smile when I wanted to cry.
Thank you for listening
When no one, nowhere, wanted to hear me.
Thank you for your strength
You held me up when I wanted to die.
Thank you for your music
It taught my soul to love being alive.
Thank you for the conversations
I finally felt like I belonged somewhere.
Thank you for....being you
You don't know it, but you changed my life.

I love you so much
That I wish you happiness
Even if it's her.

The bird is told to leave its cage
Being bred in captivity
Feeling older than its real age
It flies with positivity.
Alas! Its burdens wear it down
It knows then that it's all a trap
It would escape, or it would drown
Its life wasted bridging the gap.

If I truly let myself cry
I'd create an ocean of grief
Land would crumble in my sorrow
A damnation without relief.

They'd see how it feels to live a lie
Yet, a hole in my heart remains
They'd wish and wish for no tomorrow...
Yet, all the tears are spilt in vain.

The seas would dry, the Earth will heal
I'd still live with a broken heart
If I glue it back together
After a while, it falls apart.

This anger... hurts, even if it's real
Perhaps it isn't the right cure
By learning to make pleasant weather
In love and peace, I will endure.

Perhaps death will be kinder
My attempts to live are in vain.
The world expects a happy poem,
I am but a sorrowful refrain.

My heart          is in one spot
My soul                                         is in another
My body                hovers in between
      
              In uncertainty.

I

          Am

                                    All
    
 Ove­r
      
                                           The
          
               
                                                ­              Place.

I used to live in a river
Fluid, strong, going with the flow
But over time, I reached the sky
I stayed on land as ice and snow.

I don't know where my true home is
I keep moving among the three
Where was I born, where should I stay
That, to me, is a mystery.

I've been everywhere, seen it all
There's not much else to discover
To dwell in travel is my fate
Perhaps I am a wanderer.

You are
Magnificent
As though Poetry
Were given form.

I am a burnt, weak bird
Learning to be a phoenix,
To rise from the ashes.

Little spider in the corner,
Don't ever think you don't belong
I'm an insect, and I see you
I think you're beautiful and strong.

Little spider in the corner,
You're not like anyone here
You have eight legs, you can make web
You're amazing, and that is clear.

Little spider in the corner,
Don't think that you're destined to fail
You're not broken, you will achieve
Once the storm clears, your boat will sail.

Little spider in the corner,
Come join us, we will welcome you
The humans may not understand
But we are one, that's always true.

The darkness awaits,

A seething, hungry thing that won't go away,
Lurking, waiting for that one light to die,
To smother emotion, every last cry,
To embrace the quiet, to weaponize shame,
To strike, vicious, needlessly assign blame,
To paralyze, scourge out any sign of hope,
To fill the mind, loud, **** all ways to cope,
Taking hostage of this soul who can't be seen,
Hiding, brewing, until their conscience is wiped clean,
Will it cease, when they're finally laid to rest?
Or move on, again, an uninvited guest?