Life isn't easy
And Life isn't fair
Memories make me queasy
Because it's difficult to bear

No one said it would hurt so much
No one said I would have to endure
Every broken violated touch
When all I wanted was to remain pure

Yet in it all a spark of hope
We grow with the pain, and we pull through
Just need to not end up hanging at the end of a rope
But instead waiting for something new

Dear God,

Are you listening? It's me again. I was invited back into your home today, it's not my church and its not my priest but its still good. Yet I find myself afraid. What is it about being around others raised like me that bring me fear. Maybe I feel like I don't belong or that I wont quite fit in. Maybe I'm afraid I wont live up to whats expected of a devote follower.
I am not afraid of you, just the community and as bad as it sounds, being afraid of another church, it's the truth. Maybe I'm just anxious. Maybe I'm not ready to face my demons. Maybe I believe the darkness inside me will show and my impure body won't be accepted by you.
Whatever it is give me the strength to get through it and be welcomed home.

I used to hurt myself every single day
Used to maybe to go a week at best without fresh wounds
Used to need it to get through the day

And it's difficult to explain
And it's different for everyone that chooses to feel pain
Cause that is exactly what it is choosing to feel pain
It's wanting to not be numb
Wanting to feel alive
Wanting to feel anything other than that emptiness
Because the emptiness is the heaviest thing you will never have
It's like filing your heart up with rocks
Feeling it sink in your chest

And that heaviness at first is just a symptom
It ***** but you push forward
But it gets heavier and you slowly loose control
Instead of growing stronger the weight just wears you out
And son you feel the weight piling on more than ever
Every time they...
...call you a name...
...push you down...
...use you...
...ignore you...
...abuse you...

And it builds and builds and you can't keep going
And you start to wonder what if I just didn't exist
And the thought scares you to death but you feel so helpless
And you can't keep carrying the weight in you heart without help
So every single day the though come up
What if you just died

And every day it seems more and more like a better idea
Because you're tired of crying yourself to sleep
And you're tired of always feeling alone and unwanted
And everything is so numb that it hurts
So you give it a shot and it's messy
It always is the first time
And there's blood
But for once you don't feel like you have a heart full of rocks
Instead your heart is racing from the rush
And you feel something
Its painful and awful but it's something
And its nice but not necessary

So a few weeks later on you're at your breaking point again
And you put steel to skin
And the blood arises from the **** like a mountain spring
And your body feels the rush all over again
Before you know it every day is a pain and all you want is to feel
So you're like me
Slit your wrists before bed
Cuts in the mouth in the morning
And the torment all day between the two

And you're not destroying your body because you're suicidal
You aren't doing it oping you'll die
You're not ripping flesh from flesh because you want attention
The horror inst worth a few glances

You're spilling blood like a warlord committing crimes only against your own body because you're trying desperately to stay alive and only in this bleeding, in this pain can you find any peace from the pain of existence and the voice inside you that tell a you just to give up and die already

It's counter-intuitive but it's what keeps you alive for another day

Every Time I think I found it
Think I've got it right
It slips through my fingers
And I'm alone again
I just wish I could get it right
Finally fit in somewhere
Finally find the place where I belong