I sit at your bedside to provide you comfort and a true friendship that only one of the dying could ever understand. I hold your hand as you struggle to breathe, and I silently pray you find some relief, and I wipe the beads of sweat from your face and whisper let it be. And once you have finally let go of this world in the most satisfying of peace, and once your soul has taken flight from this very moment to be, I thank God for allowing me to spend it with you. When my time arrives, I can only hope there is such a caring spirit to fulfill such a dire need.

I imagine your breath upon my ear
whispering sweet nothings
and your hand upon my thigh
drawing hearts
and your nose nuzzling my cheek
yes this is new to me
But the sound of your voice entices me
and when I close my eyes
these are the very things I see
I am utterly infatuated with your being
and your poetry flows through my brain as a cord of lovely dreams
I blush at the thought of your touch
because I know you know what I feel
and what it means
and to be in your world is a blessing
But to be in your presence in physical form can be but a wish come true
My sweet friend

I smile
Just at the thought of
you

I wake up and eat some eggs, a yogurt, and a few slices of melon
in an attempt to change my life
after all it is that or death
I won't hold my breath

It's a beautiful day to head to the mall
with a friend
I really know where this is going

Hmm
I like that shirt
Oops, this store doesn't offer plus size
On to the next..
I really like these jeans..
Forty five dollars for sizes sixteen and up
What a mess!

Since I refuse to let Lane Bryant **** my wallet in the ***
I decide to head to Barnes and Noble instead
I accidentally bumped into a lady and her baby stroller as I walked past and she mumbled
"Fat *****" under her breath
Yes that's what she said
I didn't even turn my head
Because that's what the lady said
and that's what society says
and instead of trying to explain it's just
easier to walk away
it's the self hatred after I dread

So I buy a whole pizza and eat the entire ******* thing
and it is beyond delicious
though the guilt I feel afterwards wasn't worth it
and vomitting that **** up was viscous

Even when I was a little girl I dreamed of being thin
I dreamed of being a model
I dreamed of having a flat tummy
Just to fit in
I didn't like the belly I had
or the fat in my cheeks
I was the only kid in gym that could never climb the rope
and that began a string of anxiety attacks
that would last for weeks

The doctor calls it insulin resistance
which leaves me with the inability to lose weight
but I shouldn't have to explain to anyone my condition
I just shouldn't have to explain
not to mention the ovarian disease that cripples me to my knees
which so happens to be genetic
and mimics the blood of a diabetic
leaving me incurable
a medical mystery
not to mention infertility
so for me
children are just a dream

Although I tell myself
that I am beautiful
and that I am intelligent
and that I am funny
and that I am a hard worker
and that I am successful
and that I am caring
and that I am loving
and that I am daring
and that I am the best **** friend a person could ever have
To a stranger I'm just a "fat *****"
and you know what?
That makes me really ******* sad

broken into a thousand pieces
I shatter to the floor
at the reflection of your sadness
I break into a hundred more
and even amongst the breakage
I cannot avoid what's true
for my soul is lost in hopeless wander
my heart is still in love with you
lost within your presence
lost within your sight
lost deep in the sunbathing daisies
lost deep in the woods of night
forgotten voices of Eden
I have eaten forbidden fruit
and the sinful crime I have committed
does not allow me to hide the truth
what is love when it is pain
beyond what can be measured?
what is loved when all that's gained
is irony and pleasure?

as I lie here broken as shattered glass
just leave me on the floor
don't attempt to glue the pieces
I shall remain broken forever more

Maya was murdered behind
Union station while beggars held out their
Rainboots for change and while the
Diner workers made food until fully
Exhausted and hobos hung out along the stair
Rails smoking cigars

She was once beautiful until
He took it away and left bruises in her
Eyes which were a dusk fall evening gray

While her mother paced the porch and dad
Racing home their baby never returned
Only her memory had burned deep into
Their minds and hardened their souls
Everyone hurt when Maya didn't say no

I used to look at your smile and laugh
but now it makes me cry
because you're no longer amongst us in the physical world
you are only the memories I desperately cling to
the pictures I kiss every day
you are a spirit in the sky

My friend, the sweetest I had ever known
he would give you the shirt off his back
if you needed it you know
and even if he didn't have any to give, he would dig deep for a stranger
Because he knew and understood the struggle
and he knew the love of the Word
and he knew the love of a child
and he had the best laugh you'd have ever heard

I wish I could feel your hugs again
they were the best
I could be hurt, sad, lonely, and just the sight of you lifted Satan off my chest

You were too good to be here
I guess that's why God took you so soon

You were better fit for His kingdom
and if I ever get to see you again,
then I hope I am too.

Thank you

For this place you call the land of the free;
a land full of debt, poverty, and incurable disease


A natural disaster can wipe a city completely off the map,
but financial assistance is rejected because another country needed that


Blow up a nation to rebuild a government that's non existent, while you've lost all interest of your own resulting in a crumbling system


You rank up the cost of living and lower the level of pay, and all those jobs that only require simple skills you send overseas to give away


Working hard and growing old was once the American dream, and we still pay our last pennies into that same bank; but that's money we will never see


Make illegal immigration a topic of social exception and fool the people into thinking it's not an economic crisis with your emotional campaigning deception


Require expensive, extensive college degrees for what only calls for common sense, and then pay minimum wage so that the people are forever in debt


Control everything we do yet still give us freedom of speech
So that we can only talk of our dreams and never practice what we preach


Committ a ****** in Illinois and you're behind bars forever on your knees
Committ that same crime in Florida and you're guaranteed to be free


Two of the same exact persons in dire need of the same heart,
One has enough money in his pockets giving him a head start
while the poor man is sentenced to death by not doing his part


America, what happened?
This is no longer your land
and it's no longer my land
it's simply crumbling cliffs of
old foundation
sifting into sand

Red
White
Blue

What do these colors mean to you?

Like a the thief in the night stealing my strength to say no
and enhancing my ability to say yes
I cannot resist
And in the end I'm caught in a pool of regret
swimming in a sea of what shouldn't be
feeling euphoric bliss
To continue on into the moment as if rules hadn't been broken
I walk in silence wearing the crown of shame, looking to place the blame
Because I gave in to the simplistic demons that I could not resist

My Lord
the most High
I am far unworthy
and yet you clothe me
and bathe me
and nurture me like an orphan
back to life
Although I have never denied You
I have sinned against You
One too many times
and yet You forgive me
every
single
time

Father God I do not come to ask You of anything, just to say
thank You.
I thank You for healing me.
I thank You for walking with me.
I thank You for carrying me when I could not stand,
and I thank You for being the very breath of life that you exhale into my soul when I no longer have the will in me to live for myself.
I thank You for every struggle and for every hardship,
for my struggles are incomprehensible to that of the Son of God.

To think, the being of one man, the sole purpose of this one man, was to live only to die at the hands of those who did not believe,
only to rise again and provide salvation, truth, and life to those of us who do.
What darkness will become of me if I leave
the demons behind to fall to my knees and worship the most High.

The devil is a lie.

And it has been proven over again and yet we still battle within ourselves,
we battle with the churches,
and the world,
and the most High Himself.
If we know the truth,
the way,
and the answer,
Why do we continue to question our being,
and more importantly God's plan?

The devil is a wolf in sheepskin
beware of his doings.
But know that Jesus was also tempted,
and tested,
and he questioned,
just like me
and just like you.

Are you really sure?*
he asked me on a blind day
and I said **** it

my mother has blue eyes
but I'm still a ******
my mother has blonde hair
but I'm still a ******
my daddy is black as night
but I'm still a *******
my daddy has ***** curls
but I'm still a *******

I call this hash tag the struggle
because to be biracial is nothing
more
because to be biracial is nothing
less
than a struggle
to find who I am
to find who I should be
to find who I'm supposed to be

i really wish they were the same person
i really wish you understood hash tag the struggle
but you don't
and you won't

so stop telling me about my
good hair
and stop telling about my high
yellow skin
and stop telling me my parents have the fever
and stop staring at me when I
walk in
and stop trying to guess which parent is black
and stop trying to guess which parent is spanish

No

I'm not Spanish.

No

I don't speak Spanish.

No

You CANNOT touch my hair

Yes, my nose is in the air
Of course I think I'm the ****
Because I live my life trying to be better than women who are dark skinned ...with something I was born with
...out of my control
Of course I try to flaunt my plush lips around the white girls who get botox
who then become the have nots because I've stolen all the brothas hearts from the city and the boondocks

See you don't even know me
but you think these are my goals

see I call this hash tag the struggle because nobody understands the trouble in being whole
when you're given two halves
that don't match to patch up one soul
and you're born into a ****** up mess still expected to know

and they tell you to ignore them all
be yourself
race should not define you
but I can't even fill out two ******* boxes on a standardized test
because you are only allowed to check ONE to describe you

hash tag
**TheStruggle

is it too much to admit that I find myself drowning in an ocean of dreams every time I am in your presence
is to too much to ask for a tad moment of your time so that I can become lost in your consuming
gaze
is it too much to wonder how life would be if you were apart of my future promising me every little girl's dream
is it too much to love you so truly that my adoration is borderline obsession and I just cannot get enough
is it too much to find myself losing grip on reality when all I can think of is loving caring admiring being with you

lucky to be lost in your presence
cursed to be succomed in your gaze
lost in time that seems but a dream
when you believe friends is enough
i am hopelessly subdued into *you

I cry tears of laughter thinking of all the amazing memories I shared with you
I cry tears of immense sadness because I will never create a memory with you again

My friend

I looked forward to your hugs
I looked forward to your smile
Though as we got older and life got in the way there wasn't enough time
And that was my biggest regret yet

My friend

I miss you so much I cannot even imagine what your family, your brothers, your sisters, your parents
...what they have to endure

My friend

My emotion takes no form as it hits the page because in writing of you I could go on for days
I wonder where you've been
how often you come and go
Since there is no longer limitations to your soul

My friend

I love you so much
I miss you even more
I look at your picture and I still shed these tears as if I've never bled before
You were the universe to all of us
The sun the moon the stars and the sky

*My friend

Why not the ******* who just robbed the old man at the corner store
Why not the lady who crack induced her own abortion because she didn't want a baby no more
Why not the gang banger who killed a man just for his name
Why not the dishonest greedy businessman who's always begging for change
Why not the creep at church that gets away with touching little kids
Why not the guilty pastor that knew about it yet acted like he never did
Why not the ungrateful mother that enjoys bullying her seed
Why not the evil grandkids at gravesites holding their hands out in open greed
Why do people like this don't feel as much hurt and suffering
Why does it seem my life is just a living offering?

I've come to the final conclusion that I will never be who you want me to be
That I will never do as you ask in the manner of which  you asked it therefore I will just not do it at all
I will never fulfill your dreams of a magnificent woman unless I'm compared to someone of lesser value
I will never stop crying because I will never stop hurting
and maybe that's why the little girl in me will never grow up

There is no greater comfort
than lying next to the beat of your heart
The breath in your chest
The safety of your presence
With you my soul is calm
With you the monsters can't get me
With you my nightmares become dreams and soundly I sleep
Please, don't ever leave
My big brother you say
My best friend I say
My everything every day
No bond is stronger than the one that binds us together
And we will join spirits and continue to fight off argumentative aggressors
That will never understand
I am not your woman
You are not my man
But that is the beauty of it all; we don't have to explain a **** thing
Not to anyone
We know what we are and what we have and that it's special and that isn't something you can find in everyone
A friendship so true the word does it no justice
Moving beyond friends family blood and boundaries
I thank God I found you
and I thank Him even more that
You found me

and you find me sailing in the skies on a cloud of forever
and if you find me on a maple leaf flowing in the fall wind
and if you find me along the tides of the Atlantic clinging to the rocks
and if you find me dancing with the man on the moon
and if you find me riding the glowing rays of sunrise
and if you find me as the daisy growing in your rose garden
and if you find me on the tip of your nose as spring tickles your spirit
and if you find me crossing your mind when you feel that sudden chill
that makes you shiver

find comfort
and know that it indeed is
me

I write you sweet *** love poems like you're the greatest thing that has ever occurred in my life
Then you **** me off and make me think twice
You're far more selfish than you think and I'm sick and tired of you always turning the blame on me
I've purposely done things to you that you've done to me just to see your reaction
And of course you never surprise me with your words and actions always looking for your own satisfaction
How am I supposed to be cruising on a one way street? In one direction by myself on my feet?
And yet you have the nerve to ask me, "what does this mean?"
Take care of home, you tell me, take care of home
We have no house we have nothing but the rotten chains holding us together seemingly forever so what fool says take care of home?
Leave me alone, I say, leave me alone
But you won't

And the endless cycle of love and hate begins
Don't be fooled; nobody ever wins
We ride the roller coaster over and over again until our hearts break so bad they're impossible to mend
And then I'm looking like a ******* because I can't figure out if I'm your woman or your crutch now tell me what is that about?

I could go on and on and you'll read this and tell me I'm wrong like you always do
Like you always say I turn things around to put pity on you
Like you always say if you're tired then leave
If you were the man you say you we're then you'd set me free, but no, of course not
It's always on me

because it's the only thing keeping me from losing my ****
because the nicotine high is better than hitting a wall
and it's all i've got to temporarily keep my grip
it's always life and you tend to think so hard about it all and your mind is constantly moving
amongst the cigarette smoke
intertwined in the heavy gray
you inhale ****** up
you exhale okay
it's a circle of death they say

man does death feel soothing

I don't have many words but I can show you exactly how I feel
through hugs
through love
And I may not be the best speaker but I can tell you
through poems
through song
I may not be the finest but I promise you I'll be the best
and I'll be anything and everything you will ever need or want me to be

My love for you is thicker than blood
nobody could ever compare to us
We know where we belong
and yet we wait