A broken heart is never
ever healed
only scarred
tucked away
and concealed
You never stop shedding tears
they only lessen
harden and
dry up over the years
However, the blood never, ever stops flowing
it never stops flowing
Do you understand?
it
never
stops

give fate a chance
and love again

my insides hurt from crying
wouldn't you want to know why?
look into my eyes
deep into my eyes
then maybe for once
you'll see

Watching someone die in a hospital is not as glamorous as they make it seem in the movies
It is gut wrenching
It is awful
We are medically trained to know exactly whats happening,
making it worse
(Yes it hurts the heart of the nurse)
Watching the body shut down
***** by *****
system by system
Watching someone struggle to walk
an struggle to stand
They can't no longer eat because they have lost ability to swallow
and may still be hungry
A face gone so hollow that at one time was lovely
They struggle so hard to breathe we now put them on oxygen
Sit them upright, and say it's okay
We give them drugs to ease the pain
And now they are blinking and unaware
The eyes wander but there's nobody there
And the gasping for hope is the last function left
And we hold their hands as they take their last breath
And we are left to hand them to the families that don't know what to do

then we go back to the nurse's station because we need to cry too

I think about you so often
that I find myself in your dreams
searching for your spirit
to kiss you
to hold you
to know you
how beautiful the night seems
now that I've found you

Let our imaginations
continue to carry us beyond the page
and into our veins
for purpose
for clarity
for understanding
how lovely the days have become
now that I've found you

If it only lasts a short while
and all we have is this moment then I still wouldn't have it any different
to read you
to feel you
to heal you
how the hurt seems to disappear
now that I found you

Even if it is just the moment
let the moment continue to be as lovely as our dreams

you may feel rather broken
due to demons in your past
you feel the need to be outspoken
so you can speak at last

but never short your broken heart
from what you do deserve
and never tear your wall apart
and pull your loving from reserve

open up your mind to accept
you just might fall
don't try to take on all that's left
or you will not try at all

don't let the fear take over
it's all part of the plan
Jesus has you on His shoulders
and your heart inside his hands

we slipped up and got tangled
in sheets of passion
and amidst the anger
the getting caught in the moment
the need for release because
i was just so ******* *******
you crossed my mind
and i almost said your name

I said, "I'm done with all this *******."
You replied,  "Then let's get a gun and put our heads together and end it now. It's better than dying slow."

I said nothing about taking you with me
I said nothing about taking myself but you saw my pain needed an outlet
And you wouldn't let me go alone

You said I can't give up
You said we're PB&J;
You said if I die, apart of you dies too

I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have a best friend like you

Listening to Donny Hathaway
And I'm singing this song to you
Can you hear me?
Deep in the clouds, high in the skies
Along banks of rolling rivers
Mountain tops and rolling tides
I love you for my life
You're a friend of mine

I cry because I miss you so
I never got to tell you how much love I have for you
How much I loved your soul and
I am afraid you'll never know
So can you hear me?
I'll love you for my life
You're a friend of mine
And I'm singing this song to you

You are what you eat
So if I then choose to fast
What becomes of me?

Father God I come to you
So that I may be healed
Or at least to **** the pain
It's becoming hard to deal
Every day I think
Of what it might be like
To take control of fate
And take my own life
Father God I know it's not right
And this is why I have come to You
You are the Truth the Way and the Life
There isn't anything You can't do
So Heavenly Father this is all I ask
That I am given strength to endure
For I know what is to come
And I know there is no cure
What frightens me is not the end
But the path I take to see it
I'm not afraid to die
and if it's coming then so be it
But I dont want to go by my
Very own hand
Because the world will never understand and i'll never be forgiven
And I'll be wandering about in spirit
Just as I do on land

This physical world seems to be one big test and Lord, I need Your help
I don't feel as strong as the rest and I just can't do this by myself

Won't you hear my cry Lord?
Won't you hear my my prayer?
The Bible tells me walk by faith, not by sight
but just show me that You're there

And God, this is my prayer

I'm feeling rather *****
Let's go take a shower
Let's get lost in lust and suds
Into the midnight hour
You wash my back
And I'll do your front
Actually you can do any side
You want
As long as I feel the connection
Deep within
And the initial breath of relief
When you slide it in
Hold me tight and don't ever
Don't you ever let go
This doesn't have to end
And no one has to know
Let the water be our blanket
And let it wash our hearts
Let us forgive our past offenses
Let us never, ever part
For a moment here we stand
Let's make it last forever
The fire only seems to burn
When we light the fuse together
So let us get undressed
And take a step right in
Out of our masks
And into our skin

Don't fall in love with me
I'm a total *****
I'll make you let your guard down and you'll wish you never did
Let me be honest i have something to confess,
There's a man I love with all my ******* heart
But confused as **** as to what we want so we always tend to part
and he holds this control over my head making things a mess
Making me a mess
(and people wonder why I smoke cigarettes)

Oh, so you're still listening
This is good I guess
Friends?
I hate that word.  Because no man and woman can be just friends.
Love was there at one point, it's just at some point it had to end.
Unless it never did and you're one of those sorry ***** in love with your best friend

Okay, so I'm this great person
Am I worth it?
No.
Walk away while you can
I'm a broken, undecided, ball of confusion from loving one **** man
Am I happy?
Hell, I think I am.
When I'm not what do I do?
Spend my days and nights thinking about YOU

What kind of spell do you have me under? I'm all smiling and **** eyes are full of wonder
You make me blush
You make me wet
All my pain is gone and I forget
You say nice ******* things to me and make me feel like the most beautiful person in the whole entire world
It's then i realize I don't deserve you
and I'll never be your girl

It's messed up and I'm sorry for who I am
You say I'm perfectly imperfect
I just hope you truly understand

there comes a point in life when you feel nothing
you can smoke a pack of cigarettes in one setting and not even get sick
you can cut yourself ten times over and never feel the *****
you could walk through a thousand graveyards and not even be afraid
there comes a point in life when you feel nothing

there comes a point in life when you feel nothing
and it looks like you've given in and given up
and nobody understands this is how it goes
because when you scream and shout what you feel deep in your pitiful soul
still nobody knows
there comes a point in life when you feel nothing

to be numb is not to be weak
to be numb is not to belittle the being
to be numb is not misunderstanding
to be numb is not to abandon the self
there just comes a point in life when you feel nothing

Today I feel like total ****
So please just let me be
Well would ya know
This crazy ***
Just wrote some poetry!

Woke up so dehydrated my mouth was cracked with blood
The pain overtook my body like the sacred bible flood
My eyes burn like fire from all the lack of sleep
No one understands my daily struggle or takes me seriously
Some days I can smile and forget about the hurt
And appreciate the life I'm given and appreciate the worth
But days like this are spent in sorrow, severe and true abyss
And leave me only to desire a better day than this
I ask God for His strength but I never ask for cure
Growing old in this condition would mean more a hellish prison than a promise to be sure
Maybe I'm here to suffer and feel what one cannot
Maybe I'm absorbing the hurt for someone weak and going through alot
Maybe I'm here to open eyes so my soul can really see
No matter how mangled my surface from the battle scars I'll always be
Me

Sometimes I think my mother hates me
Because I'm a slob
Because I'm not married
Because I'm still at home
Because I'm like my father

Not because I'm educated
Not because I work hard
Not because I try my best
Because I'm like my father

Because I must lie about not feeling well
Because it must not be that bad
Because I'm not the woman she wanted me to be
Because I'm like my father

You're just like your father
You live like a pig
You think that boy will ever marry you?
You don't know how we struggle

Because you're just like your father

I am my own being
but in your eyes
why even bother?

sometimes you just can't stop crying
and you don't know why
but you know the river runs deep
hence the tears never seem to dry
you wait for a break in the clouds
and you pray to see the sun
even beneath the dying rainbow
your work is never done

all you know is the river runs deep
and you pray to see the sun

words have so much power
you can bring someone up just as fast as you tear them down
you can create passion with a pen
go back and forth with your words
over and over again
without even seeing the face you see into the mind
soul searching becomes easy
he's already found mine
the disadvantage of knowing a poet
you cannot successfully hide
you cannot play games and disguise what you feel
because poets of all people know that it's real
emotions and feelings not felt once before
should i open a window or unlock the door?

To lie in a bed of daisies
Beneath the sun and moon
To not worry who has come too early
Or gone too soon
To swim on our backs
In rivers of gold
Listen to stories
We've already been told
To tie our curls
In bows of sun
To cleanse our skin
For everyone

To show the world that we made it
The eternity promised has us elated
and here we stand wounded and jaded
But we made it

we made it

You tell me you're there for me no matter what
So don't ***** when I need a moment to complain about my pain or being sick
Maybe it'd be easier if I was quiet I mean physically I already suffer in silence
So what would make this any different?  
Matter of fact when I die,
don't be one of those idiots falling over my casket making a scene as if you actually gave a **** about my demise
You need attention I'm sure
Oh my poor friend has an illness of no cure
Feel sorry for me see here I am I brought you gifts is that enough?
No ******* keep your material things I don't need them sure as ****
Your condolences and waves of support funny I never do see them
But when I'm on the brink puking into the toilet bleeding in the sink
Then you want to stop and think
Maybe I should offer her help

**** it. I'll live alone and die by myself.

I try to think of hearing birds sing a
Cool crisp breeze
Right outside my widow
I try to think of chocolate ice cream
Candied yams and
Warm coffee in my belly
I try to think of orange sunsets peaking through the clouds and hovering over oceans
I try to think of everything but you

And I fail every time

My father is black and my mother is white
And though we live in a new generation I still find myself having to give explainations on how all of this works
The ignorance of race really hurts
No this is not good hair
No you can't touch it keep your ******* hands to yourself
No I'm not Mexican or Puerto Rican
Stop guessing above all else
I'm black like you
And I'm white like her
I'm flesh and blood not claws and fur
But see you don't want to accept me
Of course unless I'm president Obama or Halle Berry
Did you know they were mixed?
Or were you so deep in the lime light you don't care
Because on the streets I'm not considered black no matter how coarse my hair
I use relaxers too
I've had my hair braided
I've been called ******
I've been followed in stores
I've been sent to the end of the line for no reason
Denied friendship for seasons
And wouldn't you know
(Being black was the reason)
But its just not enough to gain any trust

I don't look anything like white people so I dont even try
Only hope for full acceptance from the other side
And yet still I'm left feeling quite empty inside
Where the hell do I fit in?
Who's on my side?
Since claiming black or white is considered a crime

This was when I decided to become an advocate of self
I found who I was
Didn't need any help
I don't let my race define who I am
But I embrace both my colors
They work well with each other
And that's something society just will not understand

yesterday i took the most hauntingly beautiful picture of the sunset
and i said slow down the car don't turn just yet
this is too beautiful not to share
in that very moment you crossed my thoughts
i knew you were there
to what do i owe this honor i said to myself
you smiled down from heaven and that was enough understanding in itself
lost in the beauty of the saturday
the relaxation
the serenity calm and peace
28 balloons for the birth of the deceased
it was your birthday and i didn't even send you a wish but looking back at that picture you knew it was me

waking up to the morning sun
it arrived before I was ready
so I lay here unprepared
unknowing
my day has to begin
but I don't want it to
I would rather run through a thousand fields or more in my nightmares
than to face the day that awaits me

I don't have a lot on my mind
But usually peace is hard to find
I fall so deep into my dreaming
I become blind
The significance of wonder can be kind
It takes me places that I've never been
I know I'll reach them; just don't know when
In my thoughts I always win
Just wonder when real life begins

the lone road we walk is that of
a dream
a path of uncertainty nobody
sees
hold on to the dark and call it your
friend
they don't understand and they won't
in the end

If I close my eyes I'm not even here
My tears don't exist
And the needles in my back disappear
The land is green and golden rose
The sun is glitter the clouds are gold
And my wings are white
I fly wherever I want to go
However I want to go
I want to go

My soul cries out
Still stuck in this ****** body
Good for nothing that's my fault
If I close my eyes I'm not even alive
But a mere sliver of what's left inside

I praise God as I cry
Hallelujah!
Lord I love You!

In my pain
In my sorrow
In today
In tomorrow
In my sickness
In good health
In my debt
In my wealth

I praise God as I cry
Hallelujah!
Lord I love You!

Many friends
Many foes
Many smiles
Many woes
Many successes
Many falls
Many dreams
Many draws

I praise God as I cry
Hallelujah!
Lord I love You!

there you go
showing up in my newsfeed
as if I'd be ready to see your face
your smile haunts my heart
and your friendship i still taste

you are dead now
and that is the harsh reality
that sends me to this place
this place where I try so hard to find you

although I know the earth no longer
binds you

was it just too much?

I am in love with you
but you are not mine
just like that
I have fallen

for

you

in a cold hotel room
I undressed and
became your prey
you devoured my heart
I became your slave

just like that
I submit

to

you

my mind is lost
in cigarette smoke
as we puff away the truth
my body aches from your abuse
I know you'll never call

just like that
I believed

a

lie

your answering machine
is quite lovely
you sleep so good in white
I look to the ceiling
and now I feel ugly


just like that

Midnight
Is my favorite kind of night
Even the dead is asleep
There is no witching hour at
Midnight
The wind has picked up
The trees are kissing
The moon is high
and glowing giving light to life that doesn't exist at
Midnight
The righteous sleeps alongside the wicked at
Midnight
as I lie awake

Every time I try to write about you
My brain freezes
M heart stops
My soul drops

I can't get it out of me
It's stuck in a place that I cannot see

Every time I try to think of you
I cry
I laugh
I get sad

Your smile meant the wold to me
And now it's gone
You're gone
And I'm so mad

Why did you have to die?
WHY. DID. YOU. HAVE. TO. DIE.
Do you know how much you've left
behind?

I'll never feel your hug
Let alone your touch
I'll never hear your laugh
That I loved to hear so much

You were only 27
just a baby
that had babies of your own
You'll never see them grow
Where you went
I'll never really know

I miss you
I love you
And this is when I stop

Because I'm crying

because
The words; they just keep coming
You feel the heat rise
From the pit of your insides
and you can't ignore it
in fact you adore it
The buildup of emotion
The release of commotion
It feels so good you scream
It doesn't matter who hears it
you know what it means

I really hate when people think they know me
You go ahead and make your analogies
Since you know so much
You're so deep
Skin deep
Creep
You're a *******
With a tinge of wit
I don't care what you say
Or think
Or feel
Or believe
I. DON'T. CARE.

Still like me now?