Said you were different
Said that you care
Said when I needed it, you would be there
Said you hadn't met someone like me
But then again, charming is your specialty
And then it happened, what I knew you would do

...there are millions of people just like you

For anyone who ever wonders or forgets what FNB stands for,
For anyone who doesn't know my story:
FNB is three little words,
Fat No Bones, does that sound absurd?
It may not make that much sense to you, but in my mind it all is true.

F is for fat, it's how I feel.
I look in the mirror and see that it's real.
N is for no because nothing is right.
Everyday is another fight.
B is for bones as I wither away.
Put on a smile as my body decays.

That is my story in three little words,
I take it in stride through the twists and turns.

I wish I could escape my own charred mind
Create an escape, curl up and hide
The thoughts that come taunt me, both night and day
Stay lodged in the back, and drive people away
But when I pick up my soft, horsehair bow
A melodious sound where heartache will show
Gliding across each string with a sound
Limitless, free, and completely unbound
All sorrows unleashed and tears cascade
Enveloped in the music your own hand has made
And drawing out that last soft hum
Enjoying happiness that so rarely comes

Surviving off of independence
Always acting strong
Never asking for any help
When things went horribly wrong
Seldom shed a single tear
Putting on a brave face
While deep inside her melting heart
The carnage found its place
Caring for everyone but herself
True colors never show
Even when it seemed that times
Couldn't get more low
Poems running through her veins
Until she bled them dry
Torn up pieces ripped to shreds
No tears left to cry
Couldn't save a broken soul
Couldn't fix her heart
And slowly darkness eats away
Rotting her apart

Swing low, sweet chariot.
Why won't you come take me home?
Swing low, sweet chariot, take me from the horrors i have known.
Oh please! Please sweet chariot.
Take me from this Earth.
A world of hate, a world of hurt.
Help us find rebirth.
Swing low, sweet chariot.
Take me away from this place.
Where we fight to the death, and when the battle is done, can't even look each other in the ******* face!
Oh dear chariot, what have we become?
Nothing is right, and it won't be until we succumb.
Ask the Lord God to forgive what you've done.
Then fight for His troops, and the battle can be won.

What is life?
Is it a time or a place?
A new opportunity, perhaps just a race?
A world of experience, whether good or bad
A marvelous adventure of fun to be had?
Is it maybe an object, and item or two?
Is it a belief, a value of few?
Perhaps it's a person, or maybe career?
Isn't there more than that to hear?

But I think life's pointless, each day the same
Shooting blindly with nothing to aim

My heart is quite frail.
It's been broken so much.
It cannot be healed by the gentlest of touch.
Love comes so freely.
But i have to reject.
Only because i built a wall, to shield and protect.
It really is hard.
I feel all alone.
Maybe my heart has turned into stone.
It would make sense; how empty i feel.
And how this pain has turned so real.
I wear my scars outside, but inside as well.
If you just paid close attention, i'm sure you could tell.
But nobody cares about the past.
As soon as the blood stops, they're gone.
It's that fast.
As soon as they're gone, you're back at square one.
All alone, broken hearted, and completely done.

When i look in the mirror, this is what i see.
A fat, hideous failure staring back at me.
Though i try to hide it, i know they always see.
Beneath the makeup and baggy clothes, i'm always going to be me.
Sometimes i can forget, what i am on the surface.
That i have a greater purpose.
But in this world we live in, it's really quite pathetic.
You are judged by your appearance, it's blunt;unapologetic.
So we see little girls, young and sweet, limit or erase the food they eat.
And what about all the others?
Some purge, cut, **** one another.
Is this what the future has in store?
We are better than that. We can do more.

Feeling the tip pushing into soft flesh,
Still clean and unbroken, perfectly fresh.
Sharp and gentle but only at first.
Torture and bloodshed quench only this thirst.
Dancing so lightly, sends shivers throughout.
Mind in a storm, darkness tunnels about.
Clouds form overhead and the rain starts to pour.
Thick, crimson droplets collect on the floor.
Winds then pick up and all things are destroyed.
Left bits and pieces you try to avoid.
No time to recover, the ground crumbles below.
And out of the depths, comes a shadow.
Strikes with the most abhorrent of claws,
dismembering victims with bone-crunching jaws.
Splattering blood, insides and more,
Leaving stains darker, more now than before.
The clouds dissipate, a light ray shines through.
Making the carnage glow, a brilliant red hue.
Echos of cries and screams fade away.
Piles of dead bodies, left on display.

Your tides rush in and peel away each new layer of sand.
Softly licking open beach
And calmly brush my hand.

You take a breath and delve back in
Washing over rough shells
Cleansing a lifetime of loneliness
That only time will tell.

Feeling every single splash
Rock my broad, white skin
Where life has crawled and children play
No loving soul has been.

The moonlight settles on your surface
Giving a mysterious glow
I'm captivated by the sight
And our hearts will only grow.

I settle towards the ocean floor
All your weight on me
Calming waves of nighttime breeze
Sooth the mighty sea.

I'm always touched by cooling fingers
Trickling down my back
Unpredictable and dangerous
Anticipating attack.

But your the ocean to my sand
The purpose of my beach
Together we make something special
That nothing will ever reach.

Once amidst the normal madness
Came an overwhelming sadness
Cloaked in everlasting grief
Hiding darkness from beneath
Didn't make a single sound
Gagged and choked his hands were bound
As he wallowed in unbearable pain
The life within his soul was slain
And he now wanders through the night
Eternal darkness; lost from light.

They whisper to me, whenever they can...
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Just
Do
It
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Bleed­
Cut
Cut
Why
Won't
You
Listen
Cut
Cut
Cut
...and then i give in.

I'm tired of playing this game back and forth
I'm tired of fading away
I don't wanna be in a hateful place, but something is making me stay
I'm tired of cutting and starving and dying
I yearn for a glimpse of light
Really I'm just fed up with trying
Lost in the blackness of night
I want to recover I don't want to hide
And show people what's me
And let them know that healing can be a reality

This poem isn't meant to trend or be some great big deal.
This poem is meant for me to express the hurt I feel.
I never seem to catch my breath or get the smallest break.
I'm tired, sore, out of shape, and all my muscles ache.
I'm always scared to lose the ones that I love most dear.
Everything bottles up and my insides start to sear.
I wear a shield to protect myself and everyone behind.
Don't want to see the other side, the unknown that I'll find.
I'm torn between my open heart and my broken soul.
I need someone to numb my pain and make me feel whole.
But no one loves this little girl as much as she loves you.
Afraid to admit her weaknesses, doesn't know what to do.
Terrified of people's thoughts and most abhorrent lies.
Going back and forth between fighting and demise.
Unable to see the happiness that may very well unfold.
Lost in depths of bleak depression, trembling and cold.

Weathered branches reaching out to catch falling leaves
Still and hard with a rigid shell
Giving so others can breathe
Full and vibrant at its peak
Then bitter cold rolls around
Losing color, looking bleak
But stays rooted in the ground.
Peaceful, quiet, independent
Living on its own.
Battered, broken, standing tall, living life unknown.

Eloquence runs in my blood
Words are what I feel
This deep sadness that I write
Is excruciatingly real

I try to keep the writing part
Only in this place
For ones I love are sheltered
From the demons that I face

I'm used to being fearful
I don't like to show I'm weak
Even though sometimes I know
The comfort that I seek

My heart is way too caring
My mouth will not say no
I give my everything to help
No matter how far I go

Some people just don't like it
But I can't control my heart
Although the **** I put it through
Is clawing me apart

Can't help that I'm a writer
A musician of the mind
With a sensitive soul
That soon you'll surely find

Yeah, I have a huge heart
**** right I am a poet
I write my feelings out in rhymes
And I surely know it

When you enter the vessel, you think it will be great.
This voyage is a long one, and only God knows your fate.
At first it's slow, smooth sailing but then the winds pick up.
The waves begin to rock you, but you can be tough.
This is just a rough patch, sunshine will resume.
Then the wind the waves and darkness show you that you are doomed.
Dark water slaps the sides, get ready for a wild ride.
Now the water is flowing, you gurgle for help but it's still going.
Thunder crashes, lightning strikes.
You are sinking, there's no more fight.
You watch in horror as you hit the ocean floor.
Then comes the blood, you can't take anymore.
The once clear waters; now stained red.
For not all complete their voyage, some give up instead.

I'm not much on the outside
So no one ever cares
I'm not the girl who comes waltzing in
Expecting all the stares

But if you ever stop
As my bow crosses the string
And look me straight in the eye
I'll know you're listening.

Or if you skim my writing
And catch the emotions that I feel
You'll understand there's more to me
Than I'm willing to reveal.

I'm average on the outside,
My abilities as well
But the only way you really know me
Is to search beneath my shell.

I was feeling hungry, so i sat down to eat.
Then, i felt his hot, moist breath, it was bittersweet.
I stood by the table, candles, music and all.
The soft, soothing voice became a distant call.
He stepped out of the shadow, and i stared at his mask.
I know he was seducing me, like it was the simplest task.
He slowly danced over, never touching the ground.
If i wouldn't have seen him, i would hear no sound.
His charming aura engulfed me, i could hardly breathe.
Little did i notice that sinister ability to lie and deceive.
He sat me at the table, and gave me a plate of food.
Although i really was hungry, i felt a different mood.
A tingling sensation slid across my neck.
And i saw the knife glistening and what did it reflect?
He had really got me. I almost did the deed.
But another, more powerful force gave me the sense i would need.

See how we fit together, perfect like a glove.
I see your eyes light up and know it's eternal love.
Sitting all alone, longing for your touch.
Didn't know it was real, how could i love someone so much?
How i feel your presence, even when you're not here.
Feel the warmth spread through my body, and i know you're near.
Even though we're far apart, i feel this beating in my heart.
Distanced only by little things, can't deny how you pluck my heart strings.

Why do we as people, suppress the inevitable?
It's called intuition, we all have have it; incredible.
God planted it within us, long before.
But it's so amazing, why would you ignore?
Just look all around you, the beauty of this land.
The sun, the trees, the grass, the sparkling waters and white sand.
God created all of this just for me and you.
The least we could do is appreciate it.
Don't you think so too?
Instead of moaning about your wifi or '****** 3G'.
Be thankful for the simple things.
That's how God intended it to be.

Sweaty palms, broken dreams.
Those piercing sounds imprinted as screams.
Crusted blood hides under, dirt stricken nails.
Drags along where deep darkness lurks and prevails.
Breaths growing deeper, stumbling around.
Have to keep going, don't want to be found.
Hung on branches, bushes, and sand.
Trudging among the treacherous land.
Pull out a shovel, removing the earth.
Deeper and further, whatever it's worth.
Grabbing the cold, stiff, rubber-like hands.
Whispering I'm sorry, no reprimands.
Pick up the shovel, returning the ground.
Turns away, leaving his bride safe and sound.

After years of endless fear
When agony is always near
The path to take is so unclear
Really I just need you here.

And when I see your familiar face
Your comforting words fill empty space
My life would be a different place
If not saved by your amazing grace.

Our eyes lock, taking me back
To a happy place where there's no black
You shelter me from ongoing attack
And put my whole life on track.

I'm grateful for your loving squeeze
When I'm down and on my knees
Hoping to get left to freeze
Awakened by your gentle pleas.

While I'm sitting in the dark
Alone where silence left its mark
Peaceful as a singing lark
I hear your footsteps across the park.

You put my pieces back together
Held my hand through darkest weather
Wished we always would be together
But our hearts live on forever and ever.

Hiding from fear, ignoring the pain
None of yourself is there left to regain
          Falling slowly, slipping away
          Waiting for sleep that calls demons to play
                      Wishing for death to come fly you elsewhere
                      Smiling again with this last breath of fresh air
                                 Pop open the bottle, one handful; not enough
                       Swallowing 50, I promise, is tough
                       Heart is now racing, I think I'm flying!
           But unaware that I'm actually dying
           Closing my eyes, then awaking once more
Seeing the white coats open the door

I've always been the outcast.
The one that people don't see.
The shy, nerdy little girl who always looks happy.
Then the clouds roll over, the gray skies fill with rain.
That once happy little girl sighs and whimpers in pain.
At first, it's subtle, but then they see the limp.
When asked what's wrong; it's nothing. I'm just being a wimp.
All of a sudden, people notice. And worse, pretend to care.
"Honey, don't do this, it's ok" "if you need me, i'll be there"
Sure now you will. Why not before? I didn't send invitations, but now there's more.
People flood from every direction.
Because of the pain, comes unwanted affection.
You weren't there before, so don't show up now. 
You won't be my hero; just get out.

What is paradise really?
It doesn't have to be,
Lying out upon white sand, breathing in the sea.

It's not being served frozen drinks
Or parties all night long.
It doesn't mean money, celebrities, or doing something wrong.

There has to be no silver platter
No delivery at each request
To me it doesn't even matter
Either way, I'm still blessed.

Gazing past my tempted eyes
And right into my mind
Where you explore the wonders
Along with horrors you'll soon find.
But today that doesn't matter
You soothe my constant ache
And fix my fragile inside
That will never cease to break.
Your warming fingers touch me
In my darkest place
And slowly find their way towards mine
Where they softly lace.
But you whisper lightly
Promise you'll return
As your figure fades away
For this dream I yearn

Come on! Just do it; it's been so long.
Come on! Feel the hard blade slip; it's not wrong.
You know you want it. This is what you deserve.
You have no more innocence left to preserve.
Just look at yourself!
Everything you try.
Honey, it will never be enough to get by.
You know i'm powerful; don't stand a chance.
Now feel yourself going under my trance.
So pick up that blade. Get it right now.
You've done this before, you already know how.
Sing in your head that comforting tune.
It eases the pain, for adrenaline runs out soon.
Scrape back and forth, time and again.
Darling, well done! Did you miss your old friend?

Feel the crisp breeze run through your hair
Let it down and billow through the air
The crescent moon hit your skin so fair
Open your eyes if you dare.

See the iridescent moon
Lighting feathers of the loon
And as it gives its' final croon
Does it have to end so soon?

Feel the icy, midnight sea
Carry you off so peacefully
So bright and captivating can it be
Floods every inch of me.

Alive, yet drowning in the waves
Waiting for the one who's brave
Falling victims turn to slaves
Buried in their watery graves.

Finally! Crawling to the shore
Above the dreary ocean floor
A brand new place to explore
With opportunities, so much more.

Wiping off green sea foam
Heading off with new places to roam
Not afraid of the great unknown
No longer entrapped in the mind of one's own.

All those dark nights, lost and afraid.
Fighting the thoughts that come to invade.
Sitting alone, fresh blade in hand.
Gliding across the soft, fleshy land.
Droplets rise up, a dark liquid shade.
Out of the slashes and wounds that were made.
Forget the struggles, the tears that were shed.
Holding the knife stained permanent red.
Stare in the mirror and what do you see?
Pink, little cuts covering me.
Some on my ankles, my stomach and thighs.
More on my arms, but that's no surprise.
Still in denial, all is ok.
They don't go real deep, the scars fade away.
Not willing to stop, not ready yet.
This addictive behavior is full of regret...

Tricked me, hurt me, bled my body dry.
Used me, confused me, never heard my cry.
Made my heart feel full, my happiness complete
Just hearing your voice, felt like a retreat.
It was wrong to take me in, just to walk right out.
Split between two different paths, each a separate route.
I never was in love with you, because I never stopped .
When you spoke those last few words, my fragile heart had dropped.
You were once my only light then drowned me in the dark.
I'm always going to seem ok, but know you left your mark.

Everything spills.
Emotions form tears.
Tears turn into countless beers.
Then you're sad and drunk.
You go home with some skunk.
Fumbling around, falling to the ground.
Wake up all alone, head heavy as stone.
Skip work, head to the clerk.
Pick up a quick test, take the pill; hope for the best.
Curl back up in bed.
Bring the *****, wishing you were dead.

Lock up your feelings, bury your sorrow.
Convince yourself you'll be here tomorrow.
Tough it out, you know you have to.
There are people depending on you.
Maybe there's not an end in sight.
But keep going, put up a fight.
Put on your armor, go grab your shield.
You are a soldier, and life is your battlefield.

I know how you feel, i've most likely been there before.
But every time a window shuts, God opens a door.
You may feel like giving up, just drop your weapon and cry.
Then pick it up, use it again and drop it again and die.
But think about your future, the ones who count on you.
And put your best foot forward, and keep on pushing through.
Someday, maybe not for awhile i promise once again you'll wear a real smile.

One day of love and happiness
Doesn't make up for years of heartache

My hands always shake, because i don't eat. I'm fragile enough to break, but strong; it's bittersweet.
I feel i'm falling apart, i no longer have a heart.
Nothing really matters to me, all i want to do is leave.
The people that i really admire, don't understand my unbearable desire.
Why can't i just be like the rest?
I'm not complaining, i know i'm blessed.
I have just had to struggle for awhile, i want to see the days when i used to smile.
Couldn't i just go away, and not come back until a later day.

Looks like happiness ,everything right.
Smiles and jokes all day, but later at night.
Take off the cloak, what lies beneath?
Covered by a thick, bulletproof sheath.
Sadness, worries, imperfections.
Distorted images and reflections.
Trying to hide all that is wrong.
Blending in, playing along.
Drowning in emotions, getting no sleep.
Buried far underground, getting too deep.
When the light comes, put on your disguise.
Wipe off the tears, and muffle the cries.

An ancient treasure for the soul
An outlet for the mind
A trick that helps you take your pain and put it all behind.
No limitations or control
Free flowing as the ink
Happy, lost, scared, confused
When the soul must sink
An open canvas full of life
And whatever it may bring
Pick up a brush and start to paint what's inspiring
Remember contrast, lights and darks
Create a real effect
The shadows lurking from behind isn't to expect
Colors, textures, raw emotions poured out for all to see
Open to interpretation, endless possibilities.

Drained of feelings for anything, nothing has a meaning.
Emotions held inside so long, altogether retreating.
Say whatever, i don't care it's probably the truth.
It's clearly read upon my face, so you're really not a sleuth.
Go ahead, look at me, i have none to hide.
My face you see, is but a blank, and it's the same way inside.
It's scary when you're at a time, not knowing who you are.
What is life, who even cares, have i gone to far?
Am i alone, can anyone hear, will they answer my call?
Is someone willing to be my rock, pick me up every time i fall?
Can you please stop all the talking and listen for a bit?
Can't you be there, like i was for you and understand this ****?
Keep a serious look on your face, no pity, or concern.
No wide eyes, dropping jaws, disdain, or discern.
Hear my story, the good and bad and then draw your conclusion.
If you judge me before the whole picture, what you see could be an illusion.

When you feel that familiar feeling,
At first subtle, then grows so unappealing.
A tingling slithers all around, drawing you in, pulling you down.
Invading the mind, body as well.
Looking at scars, it's easy to tell.
Give in, they scream and claw inside.
There's not a single place you can hide.
Feeling uneasy, what will you do?
Split yourself open for that liquid red hue.
But after it happens, red knife in hand.
Live with the guilt and scars; you did it again...

Why does death seem like a solution when it's really not.
It's as though it can fix every problem you got.
I think it would be easy; quick as 1,2,3.
But then what? Who would be the one that finds my dead body?
No one should have to find their daughter or sister dead.
Just laying so still, single shot to the head.
All the life drained a long time ago.
She wasn't even the same little girl that everyone used to know.
But if i leave this world behind, there will be a star that will shine.
And when you all look up at the sky, there will be that star urging you to live your life.

When you've been hurting for so long.
Everything around feels so wrong.
It seems as though there's nothing to do.
And there's one thing i can say to you.
No matter how hard, no matter how tough.
You are important.
Never give up.

Countless songs and poems
Dedicated to one thing
How a simple little word
Could be so inspiring

When I see that others have it
It makes a lot more sense
But when I think of it coming for me,
It's something I resent

Looks flawless from a distance
Desirable at times
But quickly many things can change
If you read between the lines

A drug that is both addicting
And causes enough harm
There's no chance of falling victim to its sneaky charm.

Why is this concept so easy
For everyone to grasp
While I'm out drowning
Waiting for this irrational fear to pass...

On the outside it looks like I'm doing better.
But I think it's on the inside too.
It feels like months since I hurt myself
Though it's only been a few.

This has been so easy
I'm almost scared to ask.
Did I really get over it?
Or is the hurting masked...

I'm feeling more confident
No more cuts for me
But last time I slipped up again
What will this time be?

Can't bring myself to give it up
The knife that I have hidden
Afraid to touch the hard steel blade
Control is overridden

For now it's good and I'm content
No more hurt, suffering, or torment.

Weakened heart, growing pain
Nothing left to remain
Blood rising in your throat
Enough to make you gag and choke
Lungs filling, fall and sputter
On the floor, you seize and mutter
Eyes roll back, here comes the flood
Drowned and dead in your own blood

I'm done
Time and time again I do this
I do all this **** for people
And then I'm empty
My heart is drained of feeling
My mind doesn't want to think
I'm numb, yet everything still affects me
My soul is dried up, but sadness still dwells
When I hear someone ask a question
My brain screeches no and my tongue once again whispers yes
The exhaustion of just being around people is sickening
I don't ask for help anymore
I don't want to be a burden, but most of all, I can't bear to lose anyone else
I'm sensitive and I get attached easily
I need one person in my life who will be there forever
And that's nearly impossible to find
So here I am, continuing to drain myself
Until there's nothing but a pile of bones

The only way inside my heart
Is to patch it up, not rip it apart

Slowly, but surely, stitch by stitch
But one slight hesitation, unravels so quick

Delicate tugs, no frustration
Long, tight hugs, anticipation

One wrong move is detrimental
Everything said was confidential

Betraying trust rips vulnerable flesh
Bleeding and open, exposed to the rest

Ambulance blaring, but speeds right past
Forgotten again, but alone at last

It's time to accept, it's been over a year.
All of the pain and the sorrow that's here.
So many scars, so many tears.
Feed and become the greatest of fears.
Just one more time, it's no big deal.
Everything broken will once again heal.
No matter how bad, the volume of blood.
All the emotions that happen to flood.
Unable to find the solace and peace,
while letting go of your only release.

It all started with "lose a few pounds" but now she's stuck wandering these grounds. Looking for someone she'll never find. Very soon she's losing her mind. Those feelings so real, that voice so sweet. Come now dear, you mustn't eat. Not one morsel, no single bite. Remember, you have the power to win this fight. Don't you see your hideous reflection? My dear, you're the opposite of perfection. So, my darling, everyday, do you want to live your life this way?

Withered branches reaching out,
Catching fallen leaves
Stone cold outside
With many rings, no one would believe.

Peeling bark and twisting tendrils
Weaving through the grass
Standing tall and never resting
Watching the time pass.

Solitude and peaceful rays
When morning lights the sky
Casting shadows on the ground
Where deepest secrets lie.

Battered and bare for many seasons
But light and warmth can make
Sprouting blossoms, newfound life
To cover any break.