We were children
Playing with I love you’s
Like a box of matches

Stolen from the top shelf
Look at it all now
We’ve burnt the house down

3:30 AM
tossing, turning, screaming
in my sleep
dreaming of a past life

4:00 AM
eyes open
chest aches
my stomach has turned itself inside out

4:15 AM
make some tea
sit
breathe

4:30 AM
cry uncontrollably

5:00 AM
the tears tell me to start writing again

I have memorized every inch of him
in hopes that when he goes
I might still have something left

but his picture fades with everyday
and now I have only shapes and shadows
of the man that I love

Rain dancing on an old tin roof, pouring through the open window
Seaweed sunbathing, calloused soles racing across hot sand
Sweet conversations between the wind and our birch tree
Tap water tea with honey, wool blankets prickling my skin

I fill up the empty vials in my mind with their extracts
Carefully storing each delicate moment somewhere safe and dry
Little perfumes I take out and apply to each pulse point
Whenever my reality begins to unravel

Rain on fire
Beating at my back
Scorching every inch of skin

Steam rising
Encircling this fragile frame
Spilling out the curtain

Let the river rush over
Carry these tears down the drain
So I can watch the pain
Our love has caused me
Spin round and round

When my scars
First spoke to me
I muted them immediately
Long sleeves
Stacked bracelets

But laying here
Surrounded in darkness
Nightmares lurking at the door
There’s something…

A humming
Sweeter than honey
Soft, patient
My wrists whisper

“…beautiful, kind,
   smart, brave…

                     …please don’t let go
                         we love you so…”


After all I’ve done to me
My heart still beats consistently
My lungs need no instruction
How are they so forgiving?
Even my skin is singing

Sledgehammer
Glass heart
Should've known
From the start

That by the time
We would collide
I'd be left broken
on the inside

Where others have chipped away
There are now holes, growing cracks,
And each morning she patches herself up
Looking to her battered reflection

"Stone..."
Says the porcelain girl
"I am made of stone."

When it’s all said and done
They’ll find me laying in the hallway
Mascara clumped below unblinking eyes
And a massive hole punched into the center of my chest

One detective will look to the other and say
“You’d think she would’ve seen it coming.”

I have built
great stone walls
around me

And each time I consider
Bringing someone in
I picture
Watching them leave

So then I slam
the door shut
And throw away its key

I am from the second star to the right,
Wonderland, and OZ;
Where the Wild Things Are
and all the trouble that we caused.

I now know Desdemona
and, of course, Annabelle Lee
Beatrice, Viola,
for Love too
has blessedly broken me.

All of them though came
from other unconscious streams;
I desire not to be known for my name
but for my written dreams.

I loved you to the point it became a religion
Repeating the hymns of our past obsessively
To numb the heartache

In this great temple, I grew so dependent
On your entire existence
Your touch, your smell, your voice
My ecstasy and my undoing

Completely in awe, I believed it was your power
Which summoned these walls up to heavenly heights
Painting them in every color of light
But they were never really rising

No, I was just shrinking
As pieces of myself fell away into you


As the incense hanging heavy in the air
Strip me of my scent
Running greedy fingers through my hair
Stealing kisses, burning skin
While the thundering choir swallows all sound
Screaming but voiceless I drown
You are everywhere, and yet nowhere to be found


I see so clearly now, you were my Great Flood
But now I must conjure the strength
To make my Exodus
Because how can this be love?


How can I love anyone,
                                          if I am no one?

I knelt down
Washed your feet in my tears
And dried them with my hair
Though in my heart I knew
You could not walk on water

Long, healthy, happy
or bit and bleeding
they are the first to tell you
how I'm feeling

Each time, I find something old that’s new
                        Hooked scar on the right hand
                   A freckle behind each ear
            Dimples just below the spine

       Find those gorgeous brown eyes
       Are traced in a ring of green
       Blue and gold flecks dancing
          Something
               Shifts and
                               I’m
                                     Falling
                                 Again

I dismiss the jury, they’ve been absolutely useless
And move to pass my own judgement
In the case of toxic friend group vs my idiot past self
I find the defendant guilty on all counts:
Willful Unawareness and Lack of Boundaries in the 1st degree
Excruciating Neediness and Nonexistent Self Worth in the 2nd

They have to drag her from the courtroom
Screaming, spitting, legs kicking
Perhaps she really wasn’t fit to stand trial
But my hardening, calcified heart holds no pity

I make sure I’m there when they lock the cell door
I look her in those wildly disturbed eyes as I swallow the key
"Someone will find out about us," she whispers shakingly
Wrapping both hands firmly around the cold iron bars
I lean in, let her feel the loathing radiating from my skin,
"Over my dead body"

My
     Joy
My
    Warmth
My
     Always

It’s the same face
Same shoulders, arms, legs
Sound asleep, sprawled out across my bed like a starfish,
Reclaiming all the space beside me that’s been empty for almost a year

It’s all the same person, my person, and yet as moonlight begins to pour in from the front window my heart stops

You think you know how beautiful the ocean is, but then the sun sets across it
You think the mountains are powerful, until Autumn paints them in fire
And then suddenly everything you thought you knew about your own world completely changes, bathed in fleeting colors and temporary refractions of light

Now I could easily lose days, weeks, months of sleep watching how that gentle blue effortlessly lays itself across him, softening every feature in the most perfect glow

I'm walking on the shore and I feel the cold fingers of the Ocean pull me closer and closer into the waves. Up my legs, around my stomach, encasing my shoulders and neck. My eyes meet with the horizon one last time before the water rushes over and swallows me.

All summer long
Magnolias, Cherry Blossoms
Sweet Pears and Wisterias
Gracefully dip their delicate limbs down
Shaking off soft flower petals
Happily sharing fruit with those passing by
Who gape up in awe of such generous gifts
Smooth and sweet
Their essence a beauty to behold

My place among them is peculiar
Few seedlings around here warp into my kind
A tall, looming Oak twisting skyward
Deep roots tangled so far into the earth
Hundreds of rings wrapped around my spine
So when the late August storms and brutal winters roll through
I cannot bow, my branches barely bend
By now they've known worse and are ready

As we shake off a recent rain
One Willow whispers to another
I swear it's like she never moves.
Some Laurel chimes in
Yeah I know, but good God
I'd rather break in half at the next breeze
Than end up like her right?

Feigning indifference
I begin to take stock of my leaves
Musing at the first few auburn brush strokes
Autumn has just left in my hair

The next morning, I wake to an unexpected quiet
Since when do the robins sleep in?...
My vision refocuses, and there he is
Beautiful, confident, intently gliding along the overgrown length of trail
Guiding him until he’s just a few feet in front of me

You must be joking, I think to myself
I see the axe resting on his shoulder
Perfectly content to barely balance forever  
Between his palm and the base of his neck

Only an idiot would...
He just keeps staring up at me
Why would he even want to…
But just then, hearing my thoughts
He drops the axe, soft earth willingly parts to receive its sharpened blade,
Presses a callused hand to my gnarled, scarred bark and
Leaning in closer so I can feel the heat of his breath on my chilled skin
He whispers, Because you are beautiful

And with that, I am suddenly rooted in sand,
The world slips away from beneath me
While the rest of the forest silently bears witness
To my great fall

And of the ashes my soul shall be healed
Charred flesh and crushed bone restored
A witch no more, but a thing with wings
And fire igniting my veins

Eventually
When I look in the mirror
I want to see the girl
You call "Beautiful"

A tragic flaw indeed
Is the lack of serenity
For some things must
And mustn't be
But God
I'm too blind to see
The difference between

Though I’m not certain
Of the soul’s form
I imagine mine to be
One with wings

A little bird
Singing for no one to hear
Beating its wings tirelessly
Against this bulky metal cage

To me
Stevie Nicks
Mint tea
And his company
Are the perfect form of therapy

...I sit
        screaming
inside this
              glass
              box
           hoping one day
    my voice
                 will finally
         shatter
             it
                and set me free...

Let's try to ignore the fact
That all this time
You have "loved" me
And "loved" another
Behind my back
Because you already seem to be
Very good at that

Fragile
Pale
Paper thin
Who she was is hiding within

I cry
And plead
Through quivering lips
As her essence slips through my finger tips

Her soul
Her heart
And Her mind
Disconnected all this time

So I pray and pray that she may stay
One more day, I say, just one more day

You came so close
Punched your fist into my chest
And though you chose to
Leave my broken heart behind
I have no idea how to begin
To cope with
This gaping
Hole you
Left

I love and am loved by
Strong
Wonderful people
Whose arms have lifted me
And held me
With such fierce devotion

I'm afraid I will never
Fully repay them
For saving me

Curiouser
And
Curiouser
I follow you
down
  down
    down
      Into the most
       Odd little world of
         Madness and magic
           Jubjub and Jabberwocky
              Red-painted white roses;
                 Such a beautiful adventure
                      I have only dreamt about.
                    Still I'm bothered by how,
                   Even in a place like this,
               You only think of the time.
            My dearest white rabbit,
         I would truly hate to see
     All of Wonderland
  go and
pass
you
by.