when i speak
to you
my words
become soft
and vulnerable
because
the last thing
i want to do
is leave you hurting

What is left to say,
at the end of the day?
Loneliness left to spare,
or words that contaminate air?

Why am I always caught chasing clouds?
Caught off guard not holding ground,
weakness the center of attention shall oppose.

I stay away,
since my apologies I often pay.
I never understood your intentions,
through your walls I can't see clear.

I never will say a word,
for my mind is always blurred.
And although my speech always slurred,
you were also quite absurd.

Abuse isn't always easy to accept.
Especially if it's not to expect.
Whether verbal or physical,
the bond is atypical.

I want to be left alone
                                                           ­     I don't want to feel alone
I want someone to hug me.
                                                             ­   I hate being touched.
I want to tell someone.
                                                        ­        People scare me.
I want to speak.
                                                          ­      I can't open up.
I want comfort.
                                                        ­        I push people away.
"I'll be fine."
                                                          ­      "No you won't."
"But I will."
                                                          ­      "What if something happens?"
"No, it'll be okay."
                                                          ­      "But now you're doubting yourself."
"NO."
                                                ­                "Oh come on. I'm a friend."
"You cause so many problems for us."
                                                            ­    "There's nothing you can do now."
"Don't do this."
                                                          ­      "It's too late, I've won."

maybe
when you left
those scars
on my heart
i became
a beautiful poet.

I wouldn't even recognize you,
nor you I.
How we have changed and grown,
how the years and loves
have formed us.
How the trials have toughened
or beaten us.

I hope you are well.

I hope that the world has not
stricken the love from you,
and that the lives which
surround you and which you surround
still smile upon your kind soul.

I hope you have not been beaten too much.

I hope you have faced down more trials
than have faced down you,
and that the things which you have conquered
have been strengthening instead of
diminishing to your spirit.

Of all hopes, I hope that you still
find a reason to smile
every day.

You ask me why it’s so hard to forgive you;
I ask you why it’s so easy to hurt me.

When you hurt me, I cry.
If I hurt you, I cry.

I deserve the love I keep trying to give you,
Don’t you see?

You can’t reciprocate the love I keep giving to you.
Why can’t I see?

I'm here all by myself
These white walls have personalities, my heart is starting to melt.
so I smoke ****** from a pipe,
My lungs are rust
Take a line of Coke,
My brain is dust from all of these drugs.

I can't think straight,
I'll walk the plank.
I'll Spill my blood so sharks will come and Devour my broken bones whole.

In between hell and Earth I walk the line of the silver blade against my thigh,
My body is alive but my mind won't survive.

I feel a galaxy's worth of emotions,
Dump me in the ocean,
I'm drowning again
i can't any longer pretend that I am  my own friend.

If a gunman threatened me, I'd tell him to feel free to shoot me,
I don't want to be alive.
each day I struggle to survive, snorting 6 or 7 lines a day to keep my suicidal thoughts away.

to die in the ocean would be so beautiful.
any form of death would be.