I wake up every morning,
and I just ignore the sounds,
of the absent ******* echos,
of a mind that’s gone to ground.
The motions are insanity,
that repeat and verberate,
beating voices through my head,
like ragged nails across a slate.
It used to drive me crazy,
now it’s simply just routine,
watching ghosts around me,
as they move through my daily scene.
There you’re making coffee,
and a laugh just filled the hall,
there you’re singing softly,
hanging pictures on the wall.
Then my mind shifts left,
into what I think is true,
but maybe I should lose myself,
and try to interact with you.
I know that’d make me crazy,
but let’s face it I am there.
I’m ignoring what I see,
but perhaps that isn’t fair.
Reality’s a concept,
and I don’t care if it’s not real.
I’d rather love the ghost of you,
than live a life that I can’t feel.
So tomorrow when I see you,
maybe you’ll smile for me,
and we can finally be happy,
at the cost of my sanity.

“Try to be happy,
You shouldn’t be sad.”
Don’t you think I know that?
It’s what drives me mad.

“Just stop thinking about it,
and let go of the past.”
It all seems so simple,
but I can’t make it last.

“It’s mind over matter,
just think positive.”
Like I’m in control,
of my thought narrative.

“I used to be depressed,
so trust me you’re fine.”
Suicidal thoughts,
and remorse intertwine.

“Just call me up,
I’m here whenever you need.”
I called three times today,
and sent texts you didn’t read.

“Don’t do something stupid,
because it would crush everyone.”
Thing is I don’t want to,
but this weight feels like a ton.

I’ve said all these things,
to people before.
I didn’t understand depression,
or drowning on the shore.

It’s losing the light,
that others can see,
and drowning in darkness,
and you cannot get free.

It’s anxiety and shame,
of being a burden.
It’s struggling to breathe,
but that next breath’s not certain.

You cry out for help,
for what you don’t understand,
and you sink ever deeper,
in depressions quicksand.

I’m sorry for everything,
for becoming this way.
just know you’ll never fix me,
with words that you say.

I’ll stick around,
for as long as I can.
Know I’m trying my best,
to find the light again.

Giddy with excitement,
she fumbles with her keys.
As the key slides home,
she grows weak in the knees.

She’s waited so long,
and it’s finally come.
She spent a small fortune,
and the thing weighs a ton.

She pushes in the package,
starting to sweat,
and suddenly realizes,
her ******* are wet.

She slides a finger inside her,
and lets out a moan,
trembling slightly,
all the way to the bone.

Gathering herself,
she locks the door tight,
and forces herself to calm down,
gathering all her might.

Getting down on her knees,
she opens the box,
brushing away the packing,
like styrofoam rocks.

When she sees his face,
she sits up *****.
He is so lifelike,
and anatomically correct.

Reaching into the box,
she caresses his face.
He’s so beautifully sculpted,
not a thing out of place.

Then she runs her hands,
down his chest to his groin,
caressing his ****,
feeling the warmth in her *****.

It’s bigger than expected,
as long as her forearm.
The biggest she’s had,
but this raises no alarm.

Taking her time,
she arranges him on the bed.
Even laying a pillow,
under his head.

Running fingers through his hair,
she begins to undress.
Doing it slowly,
cause slowly is best.

He’s more than a doll,
more than plastic parts.
He will never hurt her,
or break her heart.

She crawls on all fours,
in between his thighs,
running her fingers over him,
as she stares into his eyes.

Then she fills her mouth,
******* gently at first,
and then she fills her throat,
trying to quench her thirst.

She’s dripping now,
so exquisitely wet,
and moaning deeply,
like a good little pet.

The doll lays still,
as she mounts it slow.
She’s lost in her pleasure,
as something brushes her toe.

She opens her eyes,
as a hand grabs her throat,
and another her breast,
her vision starting to float.

She struggles for air,
and feels a ****** as it moves,
and a soft moan escapes it,
as the blackness consumes.

Bucking and fighting,
she claws at its face,
but it simply slides deeper,
and quickens its pace.

She stares down into eyes,
that are filled with life,
and features so sharp,
as to be carved by a knife.

It’s beauty is gone,
simply melted away,
seeming to flow freely,
as if made from soft clay.

As her vision fades,
it moves inside her,
whispering “my princess”,
in a soft little purr.

Silent depression,
but who the hell cares?
Who fixes the fixer,
when his tools start to wear?

We all have our problems,
that we try to solve.
I tried to fix others,
and never let mine resolve.

I’m funny, and charming,
“he listens so well”,
No one could imagine,
my internal hell.

The drinking helped,
well it did at first.
My problems melted,
but what replaced it was thirst.

Thirst for escape,
that grew bigger inside.
But I started to crack,
and the cracks became wide.

Then the voice crawled up,
and made a permanent home.
The one that’s trying to **** me,
and keep me alone.

Each failure and loss,
“lets have a drink”.
And then having another,
after throwing up in the sink.

Constant agitation,
and fear for my life.
Listening to that voice,
tracing my veins with a knife.

I’m lost in a world,
that doesn’t feel real.
I’ve killed all the realness,
with each drink I spill.

So tell me your problems,
and I’ll pretend I’m ok.
And maybe one day I will be,
not now, but someday.

Did you know that I used to melt at your smile?  That I used to be so overwhelmingly happy in planning little surprises and sweet things for you with just that smile as a repayment.

Did you know that I got so scared when that smile started to become less and less?  That I knew that something was wrong, and even though I was still trying to do those little things that I could see they didn’t mean as much to you.

Did you know that I always blamed myself for us growing apart?  That I would torture myself trying to find the reasons why you had become so distant and unhappy.

Did you know that when I lost you that I lost absolutely everything?  That I honestly felt like someone had taken the purpose of me and threw it away, and that my heart hurt so bad that I didn’t think I would be able to stand it.

Did you know how bad those words would hurt me when you said them.  That realizing that you never loved me, and that you used me to better your situation for seven years took every smile you gave me and turned it into an agony of falseness that I would never be able to escape from.

Do you know that I still love you?  That after everything, I still dream about you and lie awake at night after three years as a slideshow of you runs through my head.

Do you know that even if you never loved me, that you will always be my true love?

Do you know?

I didn’t think of you today.
That’s a lie that I often tell myself, naively thinking that I can fool myself.

I only thought of you a little today.
A pill of non-truth that is only slightly easier to swallow because it’s grounded in deception and not outright lies.

I can’t stop thinking about you today.
The absolute truth.  Whoever said the truth shall set you free was obviously not talking about the lies we tell ourselves, because this truth captures me and torments me to no end.

You destroyed every part of me, and still I light up at your text.  Still I wonder, and wonder, and wonder.  Creating scenarios inside my head that can never be reality.  Creating scenarios where I’m not broken, and you’re happy, and the world didn’t burn.

I didn’t think of you today.  

Not yet.

I didn’t realize how bad I had gotten, how much the depression had truly taken over my life.  No matter how bad things get, the human mind can get used to anything and deem it as “normal” without a hint of irrationality.  Repetition, that is all that it takes to slip further and further away.  

Something happened yesterday though, that broke through everything and sent those misguided walls crashing down.

I laughed.

I laughed without thinking about it. I laughed without worrying that I was doing it too loud, or that I wasn’t putting the right hint of sincerity behind it.  I laughed because in that moment I was happy, and that most rational of human responses felt alien.

I laughed, and the laughter was heart warming but also heart breaking at the same time.

It felt nostalgic.  

Being happy and having a proper human response brought on memories when I used to do it every day, and the memories where so far removed they were.......nostalgic.

I guess you never really know how sick you have become until you start to get better.
I think I’ll try it again today.