You remember dreams fondly
and wish they were reality
or you remember them
with the ice cold chill of death
creeping up your spine
They hold you captive
in your waking hours
and you plead with your mind
to remember them forever
or forget them in an instant
The terror may chase you
and the love of unreal connections
can wipe your tears
But all of this depends
on whether you are willing
to hold them and accept them
or let them go forever
You can do that
or you can let your dreams
hold you and accept you
You can allow them
to let you go.

Convergient boundaries
force rock and long forgotten heat
to the surface
just as babes are forced from
the idle disarray of thoughts
of which form the womb
and into the
alert, calculated and controlled thoughts
of which form their lives
Daily we tread on what we love and hold dear
All of what keeps us whole and healthy and alive
stomped out and replaced with plastic
and bad news
We mold ourselves into disfigured amalgamates
to conform to an image that we did not make
We are unnatural

I raise the glass of my eyes
and upon this action I drink swiftly your expectations
until I am full of you
Your heartbeat is my own
Your love is my love
Your darkness my deepest sorrow
Sleep Peacefully

I click my pen again and again
Again and Again and Again
click click click click click
but it still doesn't feel right
and the world is about to end
A thousand times I'll tell you that I don't know
I don't know I don't know I don't know
I'm so frustrated
But I can't stop talking
I don't know are my favorite words
and my most indecisive enemy
I wiggle my legs
up and down and down and up and up and down
I'll twist my feet
point my toes and swirl my foot around to make the shape of a heart
make the shape of a heart
make the shape of a heart
make the shape of a heart
Again and Again and Again and Again
You ask me what I'm doing but
I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know
A million times I'll blink my eyes
a million tries
to blink my eyes
Blinking and Blinking and Blinking
but none of those tries leads to triumph
because I still feel absolutely horrible
and my world is about to end
Six times
Nine times
Three times
I leap out of bed and I run to stand in the hall
but my mind tells me to go back to my room and I do
and then my mind tells me to go to the hall
and I stand there and then I run back
What am I doing?
I don't know I don't know I don't know
Why? Why? Why?
STOP
Stop asking that question
I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it
a million times over I hate it
But in the end I'm still stuck in the hall
clicking a pen
jumping up and down
Obsessing and allowing the Compulsions to eat me alive
and end my world

When I had nightmares,
my mother would shake me awake
because she couldn't bear to hear me cry
Now, today
She barely hears it
and I rarely ever wake up

Every touch is fire
and I'm sick of being burned

You're a warm person
It's not just your body, either
Your very presence heats up a room
Your mind is well spoken and you mean what you say
Some of them are angry, but mostly we're smiling
because your very presence is a blessing
and we're wicked to the core

The world is so beautiful
The trees are green
the sunlight is bright and warm
and the air smells of fresh lilacs
and everyone around me is so very beautiful
Such a beautiful, beautiful place
And then I open my ******* eyes
and all I can see is black
and I'm choking on smoke
and shivering because of how ******* cold everything is
And everyone around me is a demon in disguise
The world is an ugly place

I think back on every pill
and I am terrified
How high could I fly
if I could barely walk,
barely breathe?
How far could I swim,
when I was drinking down the sea
with every pill I tossed in?
The bland flavor and the eccentric,
electric aftertaste
The burst of color and movement
where none existed
made a dim room feel like a happy place
And the burning sensation in my gut,
wasn't butterflies anymore
Muscles torn apart, ravaged by the colors I consumed
Bleeding in every limb
I'm not hungry and I'm not tired
but you know that I'll still sleep
when I'm dead
I feel no cold, and I don't feel the blood pooling at the back of my head as I fall again
I pick myself up and my vision is blurry but I barely notice
because I still feel great
And then I'm laying on the ground and for the first time
I can't get back up
and I'm not scared because I see a light whispering my name
and I hear a voice telling me how slow my heart is
and another voice screaming into the phone
But I still feel great
I feel like I'm floating
I've finally learned how to fly, it feels like
And I close my eyes and the screaming gets louder until
it fades away
and I fade away
and everything around me fades away until I am
nothing
I feel nothing, I think nothing
I'm gone for a while
And when I come back I'm a child at the mercy
of multicolored scrubs and loud voices trying to talk to me
But I still feel great

I follow your eyes in the stars
and listen to your heartbeat in the wind
The leaves of trees brushing together is a song you whisper
and every wave lapping at the shore is the laughter of your heart
Each cloud moving across the sky is a happy thought
and every rainstorm a show of emotion
The movement of grass in a field is a thought you have
and a story that you tell is the tap of a branch on my window
The sun peeking behind a torrent of clouds is a smile
threatening to break across your face
And every time a bird sings, I listen, and I imagine you there
with me
You're my whole world

I am happy
I am sad
I am angry
I am bad
I hate this
and I hate that
I am silent
I am crying
I am screaming
but I'm still smiling

I place one foot before the other
I whisper to myself
It's only fifty feet, but it feels likes fifty miles
With every gaze burning through the back of my neck like a heated pan of judgement
Every person is suddenly talking about me
Every one is suddenly watching
Eying me critically
I grab a tray, get my food
The walk back is much more difficult
The whispers seem like screams
The eyes are red and raw and malicious
And when I sit back down
Everything goes back to normal
And I let out a shuddering, icy breath

The bitter tasting nightmare floods through my memory
Creeping up the stairs to the attic
You, faceless, close the door behind me as the lock clicks in place
And I, frightened, hear a noise behind the walls of coats
and dusty picture frames
I reach out, I lay a hand upon the wall, and I glimpse
the stairs, twisting and turning
A hand, blackened and purpled and shadowed with horror,
clamps it's icy fingers around my wrists
and I pull, hard, a child with the weakest limbs
I feel my lips pulling together, and though no thread bound them,
I find that I am speechless
I try to call for you, faceless ******,
you do not come
The creature drags me towards the wall, even as the nails of my other hand bleed, scraping against the splintered floorboards
Thirst for my blood drives this place
Hunger for my fears moves me closer to the inevitable
and I glimpse eyes behind the mirrors
before I finally speak the words that were stuck for so long
H E L P M E

They all say that you've changed
I know for sure that you haven't
As you always do, you complain
about the smallest things
You choose to argue with her
instead of admitting that you might
actually be wrong
You stare at me from the corner of your eyes
knowing that what you do is wrong,
and that I see it
but you continue to do it anyways
Because you are old,
and you are set in your ways
that is no excuse
being older than me
does not give you the right
to think that I am always wrong
just as being younger than you
does not give me the privelage
to always be correct
You pray to your God,
this God I don't believe in
and you tell me I will burn in Hell,
a place I am also unsure of
I am not entirely disbelieving
only to the point
that I would not dare hope
that someone I have never met
will save me at a words beckoning
You still taunt me, wishing I was the obedient
little girl
that you first met
The girl who was scared of everything, unsure
and now that I am confident,
you cast a disdainful eye upon me
For I no longer accept you treating me as a little girl
I am almost eighteen
almost an adult
and while it is normal for adults to wish
a child to remain a child
It is unnatural to simply refuse to accept that I grow
and that I have grown
I'm proud of who I am today
because before, I was afraid, self-conscious,
and now I am more confident, and the fear has been pushed away
I never thought I could, or would, hate you, when I was younger
Now, hating you is all I know
How could I not hate you, for squashing my ideas
Telling me that women with voices are women best unseen
Telling me that as I am now, confident in my belief
that all are equal,
no man would ever marry me?
Telling me, that I would never succeed, if I didn't know how
to cook and clean
But I don't want to cook, or to clean
I don't desire to be a slave for man to use up at their hearts desire
I want to exist as an independent being
with a job
I want to be a nurse, a doctor
Help people willingly, instead of against my heart
Why is it so hard to believe
that I, a girl, a women,
am also a person?
With hopes, and aspirations, dreams?
So, no
I don't think you've changed at all
You have yet to prove it
I doubt that you ever will
for while you are demeaning
You are also a coward

Every day I fall
and flail
I stumble and stutter
and slur my words together
I do so well some days
Those days I am proud
but on those awful
otherdays
I fall even further than the last
You lure me in like
the perfect predator
as I am the perfect prey
topping off my glass
the moment that it empties
You, who tell me I need not ever use a cup
that I might touch my mouth
to the top of you
and it would be fine
so long as I drunk you all
to myself
and when your poison is in my veins
and I am thoroughly gone
you teach me how to walk
and how to talk
and how to scream aloud my every thought
in ways I would never imagine without
your harmful presence
but I need you
it is as though the very thought of you
makes me yearn for your bitter taste

Liquid burns
as does smoke
and both share the same portal
both the same host
this liquid that burns
does not wash away the ash
that also burns
their host, how she croaks
and liquid burns as much
going down
as she does
coming back up
but not ash, who sticks
soundly to her host
loyal only to the tender pink flesh
of both lungs
and whiskey, she coats her masters
insides
as a freshly painted wall
And sometimes they converse
a friendship of
cotton-tasting tobacco,
and bittersweet alcohol
the best kind of pain
self inflicted
unwilling
regretful
but oh, how these twice-given agonies
go together so well
with their host, their slave
who is also their master
but never completely
for control between these three
must be separated by four
ash, whiskey, the host, and the choice

You dug your claws into my skin
Your teeth glinted with blood
and I couldn't help the fear that crept from my belly
in a shockwave
and strung its way into my heart
You lean over my shivering, bleeding body, and you smile
isn't it a beautiful sight, the broken pieces of someone else?
And like the fear, I can't help but feel weak
beneath your hulking figure
your wide smile
your laugh
even your eyes
You are the perfect predator
and everything about you draws me in
and spits me out
You rip through my skin like a woodchipper
I scream at the top of my lungs
until the pain is drowned out by my cries
agony is often described as unbearably painful
I think it is just a little more than that
and it would sum up perfectly fine
if you only described it as torture
if you only described it as something in multitude
for agony as one is agony as for many
and it is always different
and this, this is different
My agony, piercing through me in sharp pinpoints, numbing me at the edges
that is my agony
and you are the criminal
inflicting it upon me