I think the problem with me is that I don’t know how to settle
I said I wanted to live abroad
I did it but now I want to go home
I spend months looking for a good job
Once i find it I quit on the first week
I say that I want a boyfriend
But I push away all the guys who try to be in my life
All I have are excuses even I don’t buy
Im impulsive
And reckless and destructive
Ive never known how to settle
So I mindlessly walk around my life not knowing
What to do
Where to go
Who to love
How undeniable lonely being lost in yourself really is

Today I met a guy who blew my mind
  We didn’t talk long but we talked about a lot
He asked about my family
And what my siblings were like
We talked about religion
And how out moms were almost the person
He told me he was at that point in life where he got everything he wanted
And he’s just looking for someone to marry
Told me not to give up on  love this young
Now im laying in bed
Thinking about all the guys I’ve met
All the moves they made to get me into bed
All the false praise
And the shallow conversations
And Im happy
That I found someone who genuinely wants to get to know me
He spells
And i like him
I like how much of a dork he is and how he spells cool with a K
Im so used to guys flirting
That it doesn’t phase me anymore
But im giddy
And he made me smile
Now I can barely sleep
Praying that he’s the one I’ve been waiting for
And if he’s not I hope he doesn’t go too  soon

Its one of those days
When darkness consumes my mind
Taking control of my limbs making it press this knife against my throat
On the floor sobbing
Don’t ask me why it was today because I don’t know
Don’t know why my mind chose the middle of the afternoon to say it wants to die
It just did
Tell me how do I explain that to anybody
That nothing triggered me
It came out of nowhere
Like it was hiding in the shadows waiting for the perfect moment to strike
I couldn’t do it though
Because it hurt
But the miniscule pain gave off temporary relief
It gave me a sense of power
One that I didn’t have over my life
But once my episode is over I get scared
Scared that one day I’ll have enough courage to not just press
But stab

Ive always had trouble expressing myself
Because no one ever listened
No one ever noticed
Im so much more than my short comings and failures
Im a 5 year old princess at heart twirling under pink skies
Throwing sprinkles and running around rainbows
I love my family more than I love myself
Even when im sobbing in the dark my mind wanders to what could be happening in the world around me
I like animals more than people because no animal has caused me heart ache
I smile so you wouldn’t be burdened with my self hatred
Im the type of girl who ask for pictures of dogs to make me feel better
And I only accept the love I deserve
And I don’t really think I deserve love at all

I wondered why I had so much trouble
Breaking out of this heartbreak bubble
Let me tell about my story about guys who were my weakness
In the heart I treasured but where cold increases
There was a boy I saw in the halls
He was a year older and he loved basketball
I watched his games and he noticed
I know he did cause he winked and said he expected me to cheer the loudest
But after months of opening doors, carrying bags and sweet nothing being thrown back and forth
He says he’s tired and replaces me and I just became ignored
There was another boy much older then before
He was smart and successful and said the world was to explore
I looked up to him and I thought he looked lovingly down to me
But to do bigger things he left me screaming at the sea
The next one was more of a child
He was joyful and promised me love and marriage
But he was just kid lacking reality and it was something I could not encourage
Because he thought by promising marriage *** was a must
I had to say no 10 times before he even budged
In the end I had to walk away from the boy with false promises and deaf to the word no
The last one was a high school love
It was unrequited it was a time I had to be tough
He was my classmate I saw him everyday
Our relationship wasn’t black and white it was all grey
He told me to wait and wait I did
Til he fell in love and I didn’t want to admit
That he did me wrong so i asked my place
He took my hand and brushed my hair out of my face
He told me to wait and wait I did
6 years go by 2 boyfriends later I couldn’t quit
He was the one until she got pregnant
And all he got out of me was judgement
These guys created the walls around my heart
They didn’t break it beause you can’t break something that’s already broken from the start
All it did was stack bricks upon the broken parts
Let me tell you about the time it was shattered  
It wasn’t a specific time it was a long period
With fights and screaming it was like a sickness that needed immediately to be treated
It broke when I had to beg on my knees for my dad not to leave
It broke when I had to chase my 4 year old little sister down the street chasing after our dad who loved to decieve
It broke when my mom told me I wasn’t good enough
It broke when my mother just watched my aunt slap me multiple times for something that was her fault and letting me wallow in grief
It broke when I was told I was a failure right from the start
It left me scarred
Wanting to hurl
It left me
Heartbreak girl

Its weird, I just realized
How when you say too much, words lose their meaning
I love you
Your beautiful
I promise
Like when people say hurtful words but you’ve heard it all the time
It still hurts but just a dull ache
I remember when I used to do anything for a guy just to tell me im beautiful
Slept in different beds in different places
Woke up in different sheets
just to validate that guys are attracted to me
Forgetting the disgust I felt
For one night of feeling loved
But things have changed
One nights makes me feel empty now
When people tell me im beatiful now its answered with a shrug
When someone promises something I 100% expect it to be broken
Ive taught myself to avoid disappointment
But deep inside I long for a moment when the whole world going crazy around him but stares at you in the midst of laughing
in a big t shirt, pigging out
Face completely bare, acne scars and all
Hair unwashed and tied messily
And be dazed at how ******* beautiful you are and how much he loves you
Just one moment

How do I love
How do i get butterflies in my stomach
And excitement runs through my veins making my body shudder
How do I love
A person no special than any other person walking down the street
I don’t understand
How will I know who to love
What will it feel like
Will it be a man
How will I know
If he breaks my heart will I be able to forgive him and take him back
Or let him go
Will I forget about myself and focus on him
I hope not
Will my world suddenly revolve around just one person
Will it last forever
If so how does one know
How do I love
And how will I know when im doing it
What do I do when he leaves
How will I cope
How does one freely give their whole heart to one person and watch them walk away
Tearing your heart piece by piece
How do I love knowing I’ll get hurt someday
Will it change me
Will I be a little less myself
How long will I be broken
How do I love despite everything
I honestly want to know

If you asked me what I hate about myself
I could give you an never ending list
Of flaws and scars and of shuddering traits
I could tell you how disgusted I feel in my own skin
And how I cringe at my own voice
Don’t get me wrong it doesn’t mean that i have high standards for beauty
Quite the opposite actually
I find beauty in everything
In the crispy morning air
In baby clothes and freshly baked muffins
Im in love with the colors of day and how they change
In the serenity of the rain
Beauty in breakfast and the feeling of carpet on your feet
In quiet and in loud
Things people usually ignore everyday
I love everything
But myself

I wanna go
Get lost in cliffs and sunsets
Sleep under the most magnificent skies
Stare longingly at the stars hoping to reach them someday
I want to find something
Nothing specific yet able to change my entire being
There has to be reason as to why were here
Why were alive
Hungry for freedom
thirsty for the meaning of life
I want to be lost in the world because Im so tired of being lost in myself
There has to be happiness out there, somewhere
Answers as to why I feel like this
Why It’s so easy for me to completely shut down and self destruct
Why I have no faith in the world, its people and love
Why I don’t love myself
I have to believe that im in the wrong place
With the wrong people
That somewhere out somethings waiting for me
Something that will finally ease the pain of this hallow heart
Don't get me wrong
I don't expect to fall in love with a man
But I hope I regain the love I have in this world
I hope that I find true love
In whatever form