She always smelt of rain;
Her hair clinging to glistening skin.

Fingers wet and blue from cold,
but never was she shaken by the heavens icy cast.

Her limbs only ever trembled with excitement;
With happiness and mirth
as she twirled from one puddle to the next.
Humming and laughing along side the pitter pattern of rain.

It was only when water fell
her eyes began to shine.

It always washed the shadows off her face;
Leaving her bare and vulnerable to the world's embrace.

And she bathed in it.

Why can't I do anything right?
I can feel the rope around my neck getting tight.
I am not sure if I am having an anxiety attack,
but my vision is fading to black.

I should shut up!
Seriously
I don't know why I keep talking,
but my breathing is getting balking.

My heart is going the speed that my fingers are flying over the keyboard
and I can feel cramps starting to erupt,
and I am trying to hold them tight,
trying to press everything right.
But with shaking hands it's not so light!

All I did was drink
2 glasses to be precise
and the next thing I know
is that I wake up to apologize
to a girl that I love
which I called a **** for fun

And that's where the drama begun.

She asked if a was already down the drain
And even with a clouded brain
I saw the mistake in her spelling
and thought it would be fun to be the one telling:

“Are you grammatically incorrect?”

And all I hear this morning is the loud voice that yells at me
“You are rekt”

And she is right, I am.
I hurt the one most precious to me
Just by saying something that I thought was funny.

Running my mouth is like running a train.
An unstoppable force
until it rolls of the rails.

But from now on I'll keep quiet,
I swear to you, my dearest one,
because I can't see you being gone.

I try to drown myself in music.
Forget all my sorrows.
Choke down my tears.
Keep my chin up and face my fears.

The posture of a Queen.

But my head is so heavy,
It keeps falling down, starring at the soil beneath my feet.
My hair hides the tears dropping on the unblossomed dandelions on my last walk.

I don't want this to be a farewell,
So I turn up the music til my ears bleed.
But at least I can't hear my own thoughts.

At least I cannot hear the voices in my head, telling me,
I am a disgrace to my family.
That I am not worthy of living
And I can't do anything but be the songless bird in a golden cage.

Yet I do want to scream and yell and curse at the world I was born in.
But instead I put my earphones in
and listen to tunes,
Trying to drown everything in a melody that once had me swoon.

I am trying.
I am trying.

I am trying to walk through fire.
But I still feel it;
How it's biting my skin,
Leaving me bruised.

I am trying to inhale shards of glass;
Yet I can still feel them cutting my throat,
Making me choke
on my own blood.

But all of this goes unnoticed
after the words
"I am okay, just tired"

I am tired!
Wouldn't you be as well?

But don't worry, I am not going to sleep yet.
Maybe later.
Maybe not.

This is not a farewell.

This is my excuse why we can't meet in the evening.
It's because I will be sitting
in a field of Lilies drowning my head in the tunes of once upon a time.